Hi everyone. About 2 Mos ago on DHs 32nd Birthday, after having spent 12 years together, (5 of them married), he decided to have "the talk" with me. He doesnt love me, find me attractive, is scared, wants help/therapy, wants to try to make it work. Let me preface other details by saying we are in a MASSIVELY Horrible financial situation. (net worth is -300k). DH has to crawl to his dad each month to borrow mortgage money. I SHOULD have gotten a job a lot sooner. I am pursuing it NOW but am not sure can get in time.
Anyhow, DH may have had a MLC, (i believe he did, he does not). Since he is younger then most Men in MLC, i think most of the tests etc that he agreed to take are scewed b/c questions are irrelevant to his age group. We have NO kids. I can post some other things he has been saying to help realize if its indeed MLC or not?
3-4 times in past 2 mo's, he threatened to leave (half he was drunk, half just tired/late). One of them that was REALLY bad was yesterday/last night. I spent the whole day out w/ my MOM trying to work on me, and rebuilding my own life. I think DH might have been alone all day. Not sure. He is in real estate, so hes not always able to work. Even though he does have some good high end closings in mid-DEC, money is non existent now except for a P/T job i have w/ my dad.
So, i get home after spending the whole day out. Happy as can be. DH is no where to be found. Mind you, we just had sex yesterday morning (clearly just sex, nothing more). I let it go, didnt read into it, and just Messaged his cell that i was home. Heard nothing. Sent some more messages, wondering about dinner plans?.
Finally, Called my sister and best friend concerned when it got dark. I started crying and getting lonely. Called DH cell, no answer. Finally left a message, and several more texts (i know those are big NO NO's... i was/am so so weak).
Finally, my best friend meets me to comfort me and we get coffee so im not alone. I get home 11pm, DH still MIA. Texts me finally that he is "not coming home. go to bed. im busy". Another text "stop calling me!" another "Im Done! No more Imago BS. No more talking." (ugh....) Finally after enough calling and having left a voice mail, at 2:00 AM today, he answers saying "I am not having a Midlife crisis!!! WTF... etc".
I immediately diffuse the situation by saying- first of all, thank you for answering. I really appreciate it. Then, i asked if he is OK and where he is if he doesnt mind saying? (he was 1 town over where he likes to drive around). I said "everything he was feeling was right, and i agreed w/ most of it". I said that "9:10, heck 10:10, he was right about things, so he obviously must be right about us right now too needing to divorce". He said, after long pauses of silence... how "well, im not always right. I bought that house didnt i?". I said "true". I agreed to everything he said. Didnt bring up much myself. Did cry once, but tried to stay strong.
I told him i had a job interview today, (i might) and i really needed my sleep. He inquired about the job. I told him. He said "well, if i come home and sleep on the fouton, will that help you sleep for tomorrow?". I said "Yes, likely it would". I told him i would make the bed for him. I left him a cup of tea and his Toothbrush, went to bed, did not wait up for him.
Im sitting in my room, alone this morning, feeling like the loneliest woman in the universe. I am not sure what to do! I feel so defeated. As of yesterday, we had been getting breakfast together almost daily. We did have our house on the market. Thats not going well. Also, I thought i might be pregnant, and LIKE AN IDIOT, despite our progress, despite DH actually bringing up Thanksgiving tomorrow and what we should do (WOW) i told him about possibly being pregnant. I took another preg test and it was negetive. I could scream at myself for constantly sabotaging my efforts.
Much of this, however, i know is out of my control, and is purely DH's worry.
Im showing DH that i have a major change of heart, and am considering the divorce b/c its what he wants, and i love him and want to do what he wants. Should I not be saying this? What on earth can i do at this point, when i fear he may leave. However, i know he has no where to go. I can see him staying in this large house w/ me for a time.....
Do i suggest a trial seperation in our own home? Do i ignore everything and do the book as best I can?
Please dear friends help me.... i was almost done in yesterday. Im so tired. This is so hard.
Thank you so much. This is getting so tiring for ME. Also, for my friends, my Mom, and others involved.
i am so sorry you are here and going through this.....i am right there with you have been up all night, can't eat or think straight i am new to this and as of yet can only offer my best thoughts to you and tell you to read the book and try to stay strong
Dear or darling husband. Actually, however, since he isnt EITHER of those things, no more using that !!
GRR: thanks and im sorry your going through this too.
I left this morning while he was still asleep to see my mother. I am thinking of a) staying w/ her a few days or b) staying here during the day, and going home to sleep in my bed at night time.
Not sure what yet.
Kind of funny- I am going out of my way NOT to text H, and my cell must have hit against my bag and i sent him about 20 texts with the letter "P". It made me laugh. Not sure if he will respond back to that. ! LOL
I did the same thing you did when my H left. I called and texted him thinking the close I got the more he would see how much I loved him. THEN I found DR and read it. Man, I feel like an idiot!!
Hang in there, I am new at this and there are many more people that are much better at advice.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Sorry you have to be here, MindsEye. Welcome, though. Stop everything you're doing, read the books, and wait for the more experienced to show up and guide you. And most importantly...listen when they speak to you.
Thanks. This whole thing is making every nerve ending in my body feel so fried.
H just left to go to gym, asked me if im going to be around today... wants to "talk" for about an hour. "just normal stuff" he said. Im so nervous...have no idea what he is going to say.
Wish me luck. Hopefully its just about finances, etc. We shall see.
Ok, so just had "the talk". "the talk" was him giving me a packet to file divorce, and a info packet on a "do it yourself" divorce through the mail. He just handed it to me.
I thankfully had prepared a letter, and had some things to read him. He took notes while I read. He got really angry w/ anything to do w/ "reasons not to divorce". he wrote those down. After, we discussed his issues. Then, we took a walk, and vented. It felt really good i think for both of us. Its the most honest we've ever been with each other. I just went with it.
Im still in shock. I told him that i want to do a few things before even considering the divorce. I want to both get individual counseling, and try to finish the Imago just for principle (skip over some stuff we don't like) but we both have unresolved issues about childhood due to the exercises... Then, were going to figure out what to do from there, what to do w/ the house (he doesn't want to sell right away, says we should rent for now), get our credit in better shape and do a controlled separation if that is still the way we want to go. He didn't want to give me any hope, but implied that if our financial situation got better, which is what he is soooo angry about, that this would never have happened.
He did a ton of blaming. He explained how I "played" him by not working after we married/college. I actually had to agree, i went into a funk after my dads job disappeared. He said it was all downhill from there. I felt a huge sense of relief however, right now i feel relieved.
We hugged, and kissed gently, and then he had to work. so that is it for now.. thanks a million!! I will look for your advice.
