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I have not posted on this thread in a while, as I had been still on my newcomers thread.

However, it looks things are going south for good. Tomorrow I will be going to L, as Mediation is essentially dead end for me.

If anyone of you reading this on this thread have a minute and can stop by for words of advice in my newcomers thread, I need it..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Ok fellow D survivors, I need some help and guidance big time, I normally post in my newcomers thread, but hoping some of you here that have been through this can offer some advice.

I just got kicked between the legs to the tune of 700+ a week I get to hand to my STBXW for the benefit of being married to her.

That's just the temporary order, she is asking for 1100+ a week in child and spousal support so for the temporary order I am getting off light!!!!

I don't know how to cope with this.. How do I look at this women who is going to be taking so much from me without getting bitter..

There is no chance for reconciliation, for sure. 700 a week that I am going to be handing her is more than twice the gross pay she has ever made in her life!!!

I am so distraught right now I don't know what to do!!!!


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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It sounds like a lot, but it depends on what your COMBINED total net take-home pay is, between the two of you. It is usually a formula, at least for the child support, based on your combined income.
Is part of that alimony? There are no set-in-stone numbers for that...although alimony is tax-deductible to you, taxable income to her.

The money is the most straight-forward piece of this...do you have counsel to look and help you think clearly at this?

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Hi DF, thanks for the comments.

CS formula for us looks to be set in stone, and figure around 609 per week right now, which is just galling enough to begin with. She doesn't have to change a thing about her part time job, lifestyle, housing, trips to the spa, hair salon, etc, ad nasueum, with that kind of figure.

And now even my attorney is saying there's going to be alimony too, and that is not figured out yet. Even though we have a short term marriage, since our pay is so 'disparate' to bad for me, she gets some support for at least several years to come.

From my perspective, the money is not so cut and dried, but it looks like the state will side with my STBXW.

We put out a ton of money 1.5 years ago, and now have some additional mortgages on some 'investment' property that basically has me flat out even on income/cashflow monthly.

The temp support order is forcing me to pay for the cost of STBXW's full housing/utilities during the duration of the D, but I have had to add 1500-1700 month so I have a place to stay for myself and d8 when I have her.

So, with that, I'll be underwater 1500+ a month, if I try to float the 'investments' that we put in my name only, and now STBXW is claiming absolutely no involvement in. My attorney's advice is to stop paying on them, as they have seen the court do that to other people in the past, force them into foreclosure on properties like that so childrens accustomed lifestyle is not impacted.

So, I will loose my inheritance money that we used to provide for those investments, and likely the real property itself, credit ruined, or forced to bankruptcy in a few months, while STBXW absorbs absolutely no financial impact, because she has never brought anything to our relationship financially since I started dating her.

The 609 per week in just CS is almost 2 times the gross pay my STBXW has ever earned on her own in her lifetime, let alone any spousal 'support' they decide to tack on top of that. She's gotten the new car, new boobs, gets to live in our marital home for free now during the duration of D, and heck the CS I will be paying could continue that with no problem for years.

I am just trying to come to grips with how anything at all positive financially I can dig out of this complete raping by the state and my STBXW.

I guess I can take some kind of perverse satisfaction that for all the talk of 'freedom' and needing 'space' and to be on her own, she can't do it without my financial support.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Well, I figured it is time to come back to my thread, and move from newcomers to here again, but for good now.

I moved out of my house about 2 months ago, and had little to no communication with STBXW since that time, and D process is full swing..

I have noticed she is actively avoiding me as well, so that is what it is. She makes sure she doesn't answer the phone when I call, and has d8 do that. I know she doesn't have call waiting, but knows what time I call. Last night when I called, she answered, but then I could hear her yelling across the room to d8 "I told you the phone was for you, why didn't you get it?"

Oh well. I am moving on for now, I have to spend time doing my financial paperwork and put down a bunch of stuff to take to L and start on our plan on what to offer for D.

I have been avoiding that, but need to buckle down and do it. It's just emotional when you sit down to put everything on paper, and look at finances as I am getting hammered financially, and try and piece all that together..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Posts: 827
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Well, I need to vent a bit, so I can then get back to focus on myself and d8...

Went to get d8 this AM, and as I am waiting to collect her stuff in 'our' old living room, my fabulous STBXW says:

"The disposal in the sink broke this week, and I had to have a plumber come and fix it, and it cost 230 dollar's so you'll need to give me that money."

WHAT!!! Are you friggin kidding me STBXW???!!!!

I remained civil in tone, but I was so effing mad, (Forgive the swearing, I just need to vent..) that I was shaking.

I told her, that is unfortunate, but you are responsible for these maintenance items now.

She attempted to say, no it's in the order that you are to pay. Um, no, that's not in the order, the order says specifically what I am to pay for, and maintenance is not on there, so your responsible for it.

Next up, she then goes back to when we went to court and that week I didn't give her any support money that week, so just pay the bill, and that will make up for it.

AAARRRGGHHHHHH.. I just want to go off on her at this point, but I don't, and just state to her.

Sorry, I will not be paying before we went to court I overpayed you for 3 weeks when I didn't have to give you any money at all, and asked you to pay the bills, and you couldn't even do that.

She then has the gall to tell me she has no money and can't afford these things..

WELCOME TO THE REAL FRIGGIN WORLD YOU Du...... ARRRGGHHHH, I just can't believe the mindset she has...

I then calmly state her, lets look at the facts, I am basically going bankrupt right now, had to take a loan to get myself on my feet, and you have a huge inheritance that you have in the bank..

To which she tells me, well I don't have much left of the inheritance, and need that to survive and can't really spend it.

DOUBLE ARRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!! She is saying this while I am staring at a huge pair of fake boobs she bought, and while standing in 'our' old house that I am paying for her to live in, and in the middle of literally THOUSANDS of dollars worth of new furniture she went out and bought..

At that point, I just said, if you want to talk any more about finances, we will do it when d8 is not around, then went to collecting her, petting my dog that I miss for a few minutes and getting out of there.

The whole time I just wanted to unload on her, and at the same time I gloating to myself a bit thinking this is what you wanted STBXW, I hope your enjoying yourself!!

Both of the feelings/thoughts above are NOT WHERE I WANT OR NEED TO BE RIGHT NOW. I don't want to be angry or gloating or anything else when it comes to STBXW. That's why I am venting here to get this out, so I can refocus on d8 and myself.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Posts: 4,427
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Vent away...and don't be too upset with yourself for your feelings, they are normal and warranted. It is commendable that you don't want to get stuck with them, but recognize them when they come and let them pass through.

Hope you have a great time with your D8!

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I have been really active lately with after work stuff, every night has had something to do.

I joined a new gym, and taking BJJ lessons now, something I have always wanted to do, so really looking forward to that, just hope I am not to old to keep up with the young people!

I had an interesting conversation with the IC, I told him about the things above I vented about. He believes I handled it correctly as I could.

He did make a couple comments that I thought were interesting, if a little odd. After the discussion, I told him I do not want to be the man, or in the place, where I am angry or gloating over STBXW, and he agreed. He did say though, that you would be justified in asking her "how is this D working out for you?" As realities like the above that she is responsible for these things now. I told him, that in some respects that may feel good, but that no good would come of it, and I don't want to be that type of person.

He also stated, as he deals with cases like this on regular basis, and been in the field for years, and been working with me for a while, that she likely has someone else that she has been involved with for a while, at least EA, if not PA, so to not be surprised if I find that out. He also said don't be surprised if she is involved with someone who themselves is married as well.

I acknowledge and accept that is likely, but I told him I just don't want to know at this point.

I have over the last few weeks, caught myself thinking about, what if STBXW were to come back to me and ask to reconcile? My thoughts on that were somewhat suprisingly, no! I would not want her back currently.

I think I see her a bit more clearly now. I think I am progressing on the detachment front, as those thoughts have been genuine.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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Damnit, I am doing well most of the time, and then something happens and I get sucked right back down!!!!

I had to go to d8's school today for assembly before they are dismissed for winter break, and as STBXW works there figure she would be there. She is not there for assembly, and I note that as odd, as she has never missed one before.

Then I see that SS17 is there to pickup d8 after school. That's odd, but I say hi, and he says STBXW is having surgery today.

Ugh. First thing I do is slip right back into emotion, and wonder oh no! Is she ok? What's going on? SS17 doesn't know, and then I realize it is probably an elective surgery then, if she has not let me know, so that I can take d8, and not let ss17 know either.

Damnit, I am ticked at myself for letting this emotion for her back in! I am all wired up now, wondering if she is getting more plastic surgery or tubes tied, or some such! God, I want to kick myself for letting this get to me!

I have no way of knowing what's going on, or what she is doing, so I have to let this go! It irks me that this bothers me so much again, when I had been doing well on letting things drop!

On the one hand though, if it's an elective surgery, and I am in the middle of D proceedings, I want it noted, in case that has financial impact to either of us during this time.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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Well, picked up d8 on Sat AM, and I decided to ask my STBXW about the surgery.

I was concerned for her health, and so I asked compassionately just that ss17 had said you had to have surgery, are you ok? Not what it was, or why she needed it.

She said yes, and then told me what it was without me asking, that she had to have a revision surgery. I just acknowledged and said, oh, for your enlargement, and then she offered the explanation without me asking, that they had been causing her pain in some instances and needed to be adjusted.

I just told her that I had been concerned, and glad she was ok.

I went through the bills/mail, and she had inserted the cable bill there, so I just handed it to her, and said this is yours to pay. I don't even think she has read the courts temp order, or understands that she is responsible for this stuff, so I keep watch for things like this, as it keeps happening.

I played with my dog, who I realize that I miss a lot, she was so excited to see me, and was jumping all over me, and licking my face, and nearly knocking me over. I couldn't help it, but it made me laugh heartily, she is just a big rambunctious lovable bear! She was running laps in the kitchen and living room she was so happy, and nearly knocking STBXW's Christmas tree over! Darn funny at the time..

I left with some odd thoughts, and I understand where they are coming from, I was almost happy that those had caused her pain. I don't like that I thought that, but accept that I did, and again, I will be working on myself as I don't want to be the bitter man that wishes, or is happy, when she is in pain.

Last edited by iwantittowork; 12/20/09 02:26 PM.

M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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