Looking backward but only to move forward SEVEN

[sage]

A much, much better weekend for us. I'm doing well with the fitness/diet and pretty well taking time out to meditate. I had two "gotchas" over the weekend in regards to how I've been relating to h -- at one point I completely overruled his input on something and that smarted once I saw what I had done as that USED to be a common occurrence, became a habit I had done a good job of breaking, and had recently started doing again.

Also, as I have been doing of late I got pissed when I ASSumed that he wasn't planning on spending QT with CGB after I had been with her all morning. Turns out I had jumped to the wrong conclusion but I didn't realize that until after I had gotten pissy. The good news is that that was a single event this weekend as opposed to recent memory when it has occurred much too often.

Need to get some good cleaning done. REALLY struggling with that.

Sage

[sage]

Gearing up for the weekend. I'm planning on making it a good one. We have a date tomorrow night so I'm psyched for that, and I've got plans with my girl tomorrow AM so that should help h relax a bit.

Still doing great with the diet, doing well with the meditation, not so much at all with the cleaning. I am completely unmotivated. WHY? I need a plan.

h is in kind of a funk which is a bit worrisome as they tend to be contagious.

Sage

[sage]

Already started the weekend off on the wrong foot. h was upstairs, I was downstairs doing something in the kitchen, c was screeching in the other room. I was ignoring it, h did not and yelled at her (from upstairs) to stop yelling...which made me laugh, unfortunately. He came down and said "I thought we were disciplining..." and instead of just keeping my mouth shut I shot back "You can discipline her too". he just left mad.

It's hard enough to swallow my retorts when it's just the two of us almost impossible with three...

[sandycay]

Ahhh Zip thy lip ... Grasshopper

The kids are the biggest stressors in our relationship. NOt for me but him. To everyone else our kids are the bomb. Straight A's, respectful, speak like humans to all adults... he feels they don't resect him but when it's he and I everything is fine... so I feel ya.

[amd]

SAGE! I am so glad to hear all this news from you. It is clear from what you write that you have a lot of DB principles ingrained in you--you recognize issues, you look at what you can change, you have a plan, and you're tracking your progress. I don't have kids myself, but I know that that's a huge stressor at times. Keep doing what you know you need to do, and cut yourself some slack occasionally.

Re. cleaning: would you ever consider a cleaning service? Maybe once every month or two? I'm thinking of my yard as I type this. If someone would come and just do all the big work for me once, I could maintain it after that.

Decluttering is different--more personal. For me, if I focus on one spot at a time, I can do that well, and I can see the difference right away, which inspires me to move on.

Would H help in this? A family effort once a month, maybe?

ANYWAY. You continue to inspire. Be well.

[Phoenix_spark]

Keep working on what works. Work towards your goals. Just had to stop in and see how some of the old group were doing. Keep up the good work.

[sage]

Oh, ugh, things not going great here. Had a big old fight with h this am and while I am demoralized and quite bummed, I suppose I did glean some information that could be used in DB'ing.

Here's what I learned:

1. h thinks I purposefully don't answer questions and/or that I withhold information from him in order to make a "point". I wasn't actually doing that this AM (well, not consciously) but I will admit that there are times when I am exasperated by his expecting me to have information that he "should" have.

Him (standing at the fridge with the door open): where is the XYZ?

Me (from 3 rooms away): Um, how would I know that?

Truth be told, I feel taken for granted -- that he assumes that I should keep track of everything for the whole *&^% family and I feel like he just doesn't appreciate it.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Respond to h's questions in a positive, and complete way. Answer what he asks (don't interpret).

2. h thinks that if he snaps at me that it's because I must have done something to "deserve" it (IOW, he never just "snaps" at me for no good reason).

Really? Really? Guess what pal...you snap at me ALL THE TIME...especially lately and I'm tired (as I told you this AM) of bearing the brunt of your bad moods.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Stop personalizing my perception of h's "mood" and responses to me. Let perceived slights roll off of me. Stop reacting negatively to him. Be less sensitive. Act "as if".

3. H thinks I don't support his dreams of having his own business. It's "always about money" with me, according to him.

Oh. My. God. Please go back to 2002 and remind yourself about the 4 years of not working (including 1 just pulling yourself together) and the 3 years (read: $$) of FT law school. I am proud of you and have done a lot (!!) to support and stand beside you as you followed your dreams. What I am reacting to NOW is a cash flow problem. And a lack of planning problem. And a "how will this work?" problem. And a "how about a few more details before you quit your *&&^% job" problem.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Listen to h's dreams of his own business with an open mind. Do NOT give into the knee jerk reaction of "that won't work because"....let him talk it through, get excited with him.

4. h is thoroughly NOT interested in "fixing" anything right now. He is interested in sleep, tv, sports, relaxation, diet soda, playing baseball, Charlotte, and a bunch of other things but he is NOT interested in me, appreciating me, spending time with me, kissing me goodbye before he leaves the house, etc. etc.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Amp up the appreciation of h and the quality time together (in a quiet way). Stop trying to control him...if he wants to kiss you goodbye, he will. Be open. Be warm. Think good thoughts.

Other goals:

Goal: Diet/exercise to lose weight/get fit

Continued success here. I haven't lost much more weight (still about 5lbs to go) but I've been doing WW and exercising and feel very good. I am remotivated to lose the final 5.

STOP talking

Still not so good. I'm trying to shut up, to listen more, to keep out of h's and Charlotte's relationship. Better, but not good enough.

START cleaning

I suck at this. Not good. I did do a bunch of yard work this weekend....

Focus on small behavior changes that will have a large impact on relationship with h:
a. LISTEN MORE. SHUT UP. STOP TALKING! This will entail my getting back to my habit of saying about 50% of what I want to say. Especially off limits are comments on h's relationship with DD, negative/sarcastic comments about anything, leading/questioning comments.

b. FOCUS on h when I am with him. Make him, listening to him, relating to him, being with him a priority.

c. STOP scorekeeping. If I need a break, ask for it. STOP making out schedules in my head that show how much I'm doing vs how much he does.

d. Make time for in-house dates (we're doing well with dates outside of the house!). This could have a HUGE impact if I would find some time to make a special meal, suggest watching a show he's interested in, etc.

e. Start meditating again. I KNOW this helps me with anger and cluttered thinking...why aren't I doing it?

Much room for improvement.

I can do this.

Sage

[oldtimer]

"Truth be told, I feel taken for granted -- that he assumes that I should keep track of everything for the whole *&^% family and I feel like he just doesn't appreciate it."

Uh gee, how about telling him this directly rather than going with the passive-aggressive bit?

Anyway, other than that, what is H doing to make the M work? Why are you still the M-caretaker? Why is there still no partnership? Why are you still the mommy of a petulant teen boy? That is a cycle you can most certainly break on your own.

[amd]

Why are you still the M-caretaker? Why is there still no partnership? Why are you still the mommy of a petulant teen boy? That is a cycle you can most certainly break on your own.

Does it have to be on your own? Is this something to have a convo with H about? Or is that too much talking?

[sage]

I keep thinking of the statement I read somewhere that if you're not having an affair with your spouse, someone else will.

I'm not having an affair with my spouse. I love him and love the positive times that we spend together and I want more of them. But I'm guessing that he feels my anger and control more than my love, and I'm guessing he feels my disappointment more than my approval, and I'm guess that that he's not feeling particularly happy with our marriage at the moment either.

When DDay hit (egads, 8 years ago), I was blindsided and I decided that no matter what happened, I would clean up my act. I took a long, critical look (as that is my specialty) at my behavior in our marriage and while it didn't justify my husband's actions, it still felt wrong to me. I was behaving in ways that were not loving. I was behaving in ways that did not feel good or true to me. So, instead of battling his EA, etc, I took on my behavior. I worked on my anger and my controlling nature and my tendency to rule the roost and blame him for it, etc.

I find myself back in a similar situation. No, my husband hasn't cheated on me again but some things have come to pass in the last few months that have made me really, really angry and scared and upset, that have upped my controlling of him, and my criticism, and my unhappiness. 50% or even more of the time we're fine, but the rest of the time I am very unhappy and angry and I imagine he feels in a similar way.

So, I'm back, once again, to work on the only thing that I can control which is my behavior. I'm honestly more than a little scared about the whole thing...I find myself reverting back to an angry stance over and over and over again. I find myself wondering what it would be like to not be together with him. And I know from past experience that I do NOT want to only recognize the value of our marriage once it is in jeopardy of being taken from me.

I hardly know where to start. Well, of course I know where to start. My anger. And my desire to control pretty much everything because I feel like he can't. I want to let go and convince myself that I don't know how but of course I do. You let go by letting go. Or, I let go by not doing things anymore. By not being the first to rush to a solution.

My top three things that need to be tackled:

1. My anger at him and how it manifests itself. NEVER in a rush or emotion that results in screaming or a confrontation. It's a silent rage that I feel but it's hardly silent in the way it is communicated to him. Anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, fear all get transmitted to him but without words.

2. My desire to control everything. Born out of the fact that much of my life feels completely out of my control thanks to some things that have happened. Once again, my safety net is gone. I realized yesterday that the thing I want most from him is security and it feels as though he goes out of his way to prevent me from having it. I'm not saying it's RIGHT for me to expect it from him, just saying it is what it is.

3. My inability to ask for what I want plainly. This is born out of the scorekeeping that I've been doing for 3.5+ years, largely related to our daughter and who does what for her. I keep score in my head all the time and then get mad when it's so darned clear (least to me!) how much MORE I do -- house, work, kid, whatever. Here's the deal...either I should do the stuff because I WANT to do it (primarily hanging with the kid!) and stop bitching about it or I should ask for more help.

What happens is this...

I do something (take kid out all day, for example, so hubby has a ton of alone time), I come home hoping that he will see the value in it and offer to help, he doesn't (value it OR offer to help), I either don't ask or ask in a muffled way, he doesn't respond, I get angry and now not only am I pissed at him but something that was actually fun and enjoyable (time with my girl) becomes just another tick mark in a ledger.

Oldtimer's questions about no partnership, being the caretaker, and my favorite teen boy are all dead on...even 6 months later.

Goal: act with clarity (ask for what I want) in lieu of reacting in anger

More...sage