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I am interested in hearing from people whose MLCers did any of these things.

-What sort of circumstances were you in when your MLCer said these things?
-Was it followed by any action?
-How did it make you feel?


My STBXH does seem very very guilty. But he has not expressed regret or remorse, much less an apology. He has demonstrated (but not talked about) hesitation w/divorce. But at this point, things are all but final.

We see a C to deal with conflicts. I have considered opening up a conversation where I express how I felt about certain things that happened before he left. This would not be discussion of OW, I would add, but in how he behaved towards me and how I felt about it.

I feel as if this would help me to heal, even if STBXH does not offer an apology. I have considered that he might just get angry, but I still feel that might be healing for me just to know that he heard it.

I guess this feels unreal to me because it's like he just erased me. I want to say my piece. I am not concerned about reconciliation but in healing for me.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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By the way, I wanted to add that I am not referring only to situations where you got back together.

I am actually more curious re. situations where people did not reconcile....


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
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In answer to your question.....

There will be no Hollywood ending....sorry!

If you are expecting your Husband to show up on bended knee, with chocolates, roses and a box from Tiffany's, get over it.

For them to come back, and actually want to come back they are going to have to see that you are not the same person they walked out on.

Changes have to be made. Unfortunately, their changes take much longer, and it will take a long time for their growth to catch up to yours.

In the begining when they come home they will still be testing you and watching you to see if you have truly forgiven them and are a safe person.

There will be MLC moments from time to time and the piecing requires alot of patience.

It takes time for them to feel comfortable in their own skin again.

The apologies will come and the remorse and bits and pieces of their adventure out in lala land. This will happen when they are ready to talk. They can't be bombarded with questions.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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BND, No, I am not expecting chocolates, bended knee, or anything like that. I have indicated to him that I am not trying to reconcile.

I just want to say, Here is how I felt during this time and I wanted you to know that.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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Forward are you looking for an idea of how many people get the closure you want?

I'm not being mean, I am just curious as to why you want that info.

From as much as I post, I figure you know me and my wife rebuilt our marriage.

So she absolutely had to. And she absolutely had to follow up her words with deeds. And truth be told...I ran a gamut of emotions. From really pi55ed of anger to happiness, from being frightened to being brave. Everything in between.

She called me and said she was sorry for everything. That she would crawl through glass if I would forgive her and give her another chance. I told her that if she was serious that she would be on my porch that Friday when I got home. And that if she did this but went back to OM or failed that the way I had been treating her, going Dark, would feel like a warm summer day compared to the way I would treat her. That it would be easier if she didn't show up.

She did.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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J3B, Yes, I knew you got back together.

Did she just call out of the blue? What were things like between you when she call's ed?

I just need to say MY piece. I need STBXH to know how badly hurt and stunned I was by his behavior, and how I had PTSD because of it.

I will add that I would not bring up OW, but STBXH's behavior prior to his taking off.

Another reason I want to do this is because I am curious to see how he responds. It will give me some cues on whether I believe he is capable of understanding others' feelings.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 9,678
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You are only setting yourself up for dissapointment, and I am not sure what exactly you are trying to accomplish here.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Joined: Nov 2006
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I'm not sure that I am, bnd. I don't have expectations. I might even ask him not to respond but just to listen.

I just want to be heard. I feel as if I need that to heal.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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She called out of the blue.

What were things like?

Cold. I would talk to her only about our boys and our bills. Anytime she tried to talk about anything else, I would say, so we are done now? And hang up.

Understand that, please. I was LRT without it being a trick...it wasn't even LRT. I was done with her, except as the person I am, I had to give her this chance she begged of me. For my boys, for my piece of mind. Understand I expected her to fail.

So I do not condone this to anyone. It just worked for me and her, we... wink especially she, was lucky.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Forward,

I have not reconciled with my H. Nor has he filed for the D he wants or a legal S.

Have I gotten an apology? No. Do I expect him to? At some point, I think he may apologize for the way this happened and while I know he's sorry for the pain he's caused, his words to address that (not at my questioning) are that is isn't the man that can be here for me. He doesn't see us moving forward as a couple.

I will tell you though that at a couple of points while H and I were talking, I did have the opportunity to say how I felt about some things. Did it make a difference? For me personally, yes, it did.

I understand your need to feel heard. When these things were said, I wasn't trying to be mean and vindictive (and from the tone of your posts, I don't hear that in you either) and I wasn't trying to get H to reconcile. It was good for me to say some of what I needed to say. It was one of those "no expectation" moments and I am good with how it went.

HUGS

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