Just Divorced.....Angst, Anger and Anticipation

[native]

dday,

I guess that is the key....I am angry at the person I thought she was, someone I credited with more integrity than she has shown...I am angry with someone who may have never even existed.

Her anger at me dissapaited when she started this serious relationship. I imagine if I found someone else that I was really in love with, mine would fade as well, to a degree.

I feel that I am the only one who sees what harm this is/will do to our sweet daughter though. Ex has justified her actions saying that the only other choice was for her to be unhappy, and that would not be good for our daughter. Like ex doesnt have a choice or any responsiblity for the way she feels.

I have been the 'nice' guy throughout...but she never chose to engage with me on a level of integrity and responsiblity for her part. Now I am pissed.

I know I have to 'move on' etc. But me being nice to her has screwed me financially. I am very discouraged right now.

Not to mention, no matter how you slice it, it makes the LBS wonder about their desirabilty and the chances for a new relationship.

I mean really, I am 48, with a child, just divorced, in a job that is seriously unstable (because of the economy) that I have wanted to change anyway, who has thousands in credit card debt and has to sell the house in a down mkt in order to begin to climb out of the finacial pit dug by two people, one of which has escaped her obligations apparantly.

And she is starting over with a new guy who is going to compete for my daughter's affection, whether he means to or not.

At least he isn't a crack head....

[native]

If I had some work come in, everything would seem a lot brighter. Waiting on a multi-thousand $$$ bid to be accepted.....or rejected. Prayers appreciated.

[native]

I feel a little better today....I know it sounds crazy but I found a dating site that is really promising..no more need be said......

[MsMelancoly]

Have to say, I agree w/dday & his advise. Good luck with your bid!

[native]

'I found the easiest way is to view my X clearly as the person she is now, and not the person she was. And the person she is now, I want no part of, and from there things got better.'

You know, sometimes I do feel this way, but then.....

The other day, we were in court finalizing our divorce. I did not feel the anger I felt when we signed papers a month and one half before. Just sat together until it was our turn. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this, she said yes.

It was so odd. When we were before the Judge, who asked me if I had anything I wanted to say, almost as if they would be my last words before dying. What would I have said? I have said it all, here, with others, and to my ex. I couldn't think of a pertinent thing to say at the moment.

I left the courtroom first to get some water, and waited for ex to come out, walked her to her car. It was raining outside..

We were halfway to her car and I asked her how she and Brian were doing...glutton for punishment, right?

She said she did'nt know. So I asked if it was him who was ambivalent, or her. She said 'Both'.

So I am wondering, is the Alien coming back from Outer Space?

I really think there have been large parts of mid-life crisis mixed in with this and there will be a re-entry to reality.

It is so weird too...at times she is the helpless forlorn pup, at other times she relishes 'taking care of herself' without my help, which she never did while we were together. As my friends might recall, I had to do almost everthing domestic when we were together...for 7 yrs. bc she was too tired.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. Just trying to figure out whats happening. She's been real friendly lately, and is making an effort to keep her tone pleasant, which has been a struggle since seperation.

So she was a b***h during seperation, changed for the better when she started dating Brian (almost like her medication was working...prob. just the results of sex...though she has not acknowledged a physical relationship yet, I haven't asked), and now that she isn't sure about Brian, she is actually friendly to me and talking to me about my career path (long story).

I asked her directly why she was concerned about my career path, and she said was taken off guard. Said it was 'complicated...that we have a child together and we will be interacting for the next 12 yrs...'

So I don't know what is going on. But I didnt really care for her thoughts or opinions re: my career, but could see she cared on some level...

Anyway, honestly, I was lonely tonight. I haven't really cultivated a whole lot of friends here, but have connected with a lot of old friends on facebook, where I have spent a lot of time lately....

But I think I need to get out and be a part of a group of virtual friends too. And that is hard. Even looking at Meet-Up, I have mixed feelings about jumping back into the singles scene,and being 'available'. I am self-consious about being 48, tho I don't look it. And I don't want to be hit on by older single women who are desperate, and don't want to come across like that to younger women. I think I just need to be with people for the sake of being with them, and whatever happens happens.

Now, to take that first step and get out there...thats the hard part.

Cause I really just want to be with my Wife and kid.....

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, Good to see your post & that you have found some inner peace with all of this.

Who knows what is going thru your W or is it XW head. My xh has done some strange things lately as well, maybe, still trying to find the correct path in life & happiness.

I agree getting out & meeting new people can be a challenge.

[native]

I agree getting out & meeting new people can be a challenge.

It was difficult when I was in my early, mid thirties. It's much easier if you have a job that has a lot of social contacts, or are still in college.

I think I am going to try an after-work professional mixer, at least once. I just hate going anywhere and not knowing anyone...but if I make more friends, perhaps that wouldn't be a issue. Also, need to go to Divorce-care at the church D and I are attending. Just gotta make time.

[spark]

I totally understand how you feel. my d has been over a while and the good news is that I am now remarried (with new baby!). I too, have a 7 year old with ex h and he has turned out to be a horrible father. he had an affair (pre-bomb/led to bomb) and guess what? after the thing was exposed and he moved out and they could "freely" be a couple, the thing lasted all of 2 months!

and that year-long sep. was vvery hard on me and my daughter. i never thought I would meet anyone. I thought I would bhe alone even though I am attractive, smart, etc. I thought, who would want me with a kid and all that jazz? well, I met my current h and guess what? he adores me AND my daughter. my point is, don't worry how things will play out, they just WILL. I could have never have predicted things EVER getting better when I sat in our (ex and my) house ALONE night after night. I thought my life was "over".

I am so much happier now. ex h truly wasn't the person for me and I knew this LONG before heleft, but I couldn't admit it to myself. my family saw it, so did friends. I was depressed for a long time. he was never there for me emmotionally in any way. I was truly alone in that marriage.

but I DO get the jealousy part.. he is now living with someone 15 years younger (I don'tknow why this bothers me) aned I felt a bit of jealously when I found out they were taking my daughter to a familyfunction of his (big Italian family that I was very close to) andit kind of hit me. but my therapist told methat is a naturalfeeling even though I am happily remarried. you don't just "turn love off", so to speak. I am not "inlove" with ex anymore, but it's stuff likethe memories with his family and such that sometmes get me. BUT, it gets easier over time and you WILL find life with someone -- just build a great life for you and your child and you will be amazed at where you will be months or a year from now. it happened to me.