[/QUOTE] I have seen this from both sides on that dinner table in my family. If you reconcile, you must support your W above your parents. What I mean is, put her concerns and wishes first. If she does not desire to go to dinner at your parent's home, don't push it simply b/c that is something you wish to do and think everything will be fine. I was that W the second year of my M and my H promised to be by my side and he thought everything would be ok. But what he didn't know was how I was treated when he wasn't paying any attention. It hurt to think that he was such a "mama's boy" that I was put in that position of sucking it up and enduring what I had to.
Then many years later, I was the parent. So, I know how badly it hurts to have an adult child who has been cheated on by their S. Don't expect your mom to be thrilled at you reconcilling with your W. Your mom is not in love with her, like you are. It is often harder to forgive those who hurt our childdren then those who hurt "us". Just don't rush thei R and give it much time to heal before you have any dinner plans. [/QUOTE]
Thanks sandi. I was hoping you'd stop by and comment on this. If my W and I do reconcile, I will absolutely support her over my parents, and I won't push anything to quickly. They will eventually have to deal with the situation. I think when they would see our kids so elated at mommy and daddy being back together, that will melt their hearts a bit!
Given that we are separated, it may be difficult for me to completely verify it, so at some point, I'll have to trust her.
Here's the deal Future. You won't be able to trust your wife until she starts being trustworthy. Once she's been trustworthy for a period of time the trust will return.
If your wife wants to win your trust back, no-contact will be easy to verify because your wife will invite you to hold her accountable. If she baulks or makes excuses about participating in accountability measures, you know she's leaving wiggle room for contact with OM and it really isn't worth going down the piecing path with ongoing contact.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Here's the deal Future. You won't be able to trust your wife until she starts being trustworthy. Once she's been trustworthy for a period of time the trust will return.
If your wife wants to win your trust back, no-contact will be easy to verify because your wife will invite you to hold her accountable. If she baulks or makes excuses about participating in accountability measures, you know she's leaving wiggle room for contact with OM and it really isn't worth going down the piecing path with ongoing contact.
I know GH31. I wish I could just trust her, but I can't, and won't be able to for quite a while. I will struggle with that, because I'm a naturally very trusting person, and I want to think the best of people. I am encouraged by how we've been with each other for the last several months. Whereas last year when my W was having her secret A my gut told me something was wrong, now I feel she is being honest with me. Of course that might just be because she has no reason to lie right now. If we decide to reconcile, have a tough few days or weeks, and then she gets some secret message from OM, I know I can't trust that she won't turn back to him.
Last night we had our kid transition. Our S was crying because he misses me so much, and our D's were crying because they didn't want to leave mommy. This is truly hell. My W was struggling to keep her composure, and as I took the kids bags from her I asked "You sad?" She just nodded and started to break down, I reached my arms out and put them around her. She tentatively put her arms around me at first, then as she felt me pull away she really wrapped around me and held me tight for several moments. We let go, and she said for me to be patient with our D's. I said of course. She came out to the car and our youngest D was crying and pleaded with her "Mommy, I want us to live in one house!" My W was struggling and said "I know two houses are hard, it's the best Mommy and Daddy can do right now." We said goodbye and that was it.
This morning my W called to talk about kid stuff, but I know that was just an excuse for her to call me. I've mentioned it before, but everyone here probably doesn't know my W is a therapist, specializing in marriage and family. Shocking, I know. Anyway, she told me she's preparing a presentation to give to the local schools about the family issues children face today. Talk about ironic. She said preparing the presentation has reminded her of things she used to know but forgot, and she wants me to look over her presentation, because "it will help you understand what we're going through". I said sure. I have no idea what's coming there. Probably some academic reasoning describing how this is all "natural", and to be expected, and is actually "healthy". We'll see...
I feel an anger welling up in me. Not a mean anger wanting to lash out at my W, but an anger wanting to make my W face all this and stop avoiding. She clearly isn't done with me and our family. At this point, she is terrified to make a move. She feels horribly guilty, and I think she feels I will never truly forgive her, so she has to just march forward with her crumbling plan. I've told her I don't consider anything that's happened to be unforgivable, but she seemed skeptical and said "How can you know if you'll forgive until you know everything?" I'm not sure what else she wants me to know. Should I just offer up and say "Whatever it is you think I need to know, just tell me and let me decide whether I can forgive you."
All this with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up. I am dreading the holidays for the first time in my life.
I've told her I don't consider anything that's happened to be unforgivable, but she seemed skeptical and said "How can you know if you'll forgive until you know everything?" I'm not sure what else she wants me to know. Should I just offer up and say "Whatever it is you think I need to know, just tell me and let me decide whether I can forgive you."
We also have mediation coming up in two days. Getting this separation done is going to take several thousand more dollars, money neither of us have. This year has depleted us financially so much we're just barely meeting the expenses of our two households. I'm torn here as well. Do I tell my W, "Given the way you're acting, I don't think you want a divorce, and neither do I, so I'm not going to waste more money on it." Then add in the "Whatever it is you think I need to know, just tell me and let me decide whether I can forgive you."
Or do I follow the gucci philosophy and let her think I'm fine with the separation and divorce, as in "W, getting this legal separation done is going to take a few thousand dollars more. I don't really have my half, and I know you don't either, but I'm not going to tolerate this limbo anymore either, and there's no way I'm going to share you with another man, so I'll find my half somehow. Let's just get this done so we can move on."
IMHO - you start with "Just tell me.." and you don't proceed to either of the others until you hear the "Just tell me" part. From where I sit, to do anything either way at present is making a decision on incomplete info.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
IMHO - you start with "Just tell me.." and you don't proceed to either of the others until you hear the "Just tell me" part. From where I sit, to do anything either way at present is making a decision on incomplete info.
My God, Future. She should not be in that profession. That's worse than a doctor who smokes. Sorry to sound judgmental, that's beyond shocking.
It shows you that adultery is a drug in the cheater's blood that alters their mind completely.
Don't I know it GH31. She was soooooo drugged out last fall. In the intel I got, she was mocking her clients how they were so pathetic, struggling to work through their problems, while she and OM were so perfect for each other.
The thing is, she's very well respected, even on the state and national scene, although she is DEFINITELY NOT pro-marriage. She's one of the "do what feels right to you" types of MC, obviously. I think it's so sadly perfect how that philosophy is being raked over the coals inside her watching our kids suffer all the time, and finding herself clinging to me even after she told me she didn't love me, our M was over, and she was so infatuated with OM. Now she tells me she still loves me, she says I'm a great man, I'm hot, and she's crying during child transitions, and this is almost a year later.
Over the years she would discuss her cases with me and get my opinion. She always seemed so personally vested in her clients. Their hurt was her hurt. I always respected it. I've considered giving her the question "W, what would you recommend if you were our MC?" The irony is overwhelming sometimes. Funny, I've thought of that same "doctor who smokes" analogy!
