a bad day

[christmas]

I called a mediator today. It is the first step i have taken towards D. My H will soon have a place to live and will now take the kids. He is totally in love with OW. I found some letters today and they broke my heart. He says things to her that he never said to me. Why am I fighting for a H who is love with another? Why do I want to hold on to all of this pain. Can i ever forgive him? Will he ever give me the Chance? I hate this. I have my goals but I don't think they will ever be met. He is in love and planning a life with someone else. He doesn't love me anymore. Why do i think he will come back? I need someone to reply to help me. I am totally lost and heartbroken.

[K4D]

A few things first.

You are part of a great source of help. There is tons of great advice offered on this sight.

Have you read divorce busting and divorce remedy yet? If not, do so. They will help you.

Don't feel hopeless in this situation. Your H thinks he is in love right now. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side right now. He is living in fantasy land right now. It won't last forever. Chances are even if they did marry, they will divorce according to statistics. How long will you wait to have him back? They may not marry. Once reality sets in and real life begins, it isn't so much fun and fantasy anymore with this new person/OW.

Calm down and start focusing on you and how you can change who you are. Read other people's threads. Post on their threads to get them to post on yours.

I am sorry you are here like the rest of us, but this is a great place to be since you are in the same boat as us.

Tell us your full story. How long were you 2 together? What problems did you see in the M? What timelines were there? Have you set boundaries for yourself yet? Fill us in on everything. The more you tell, the more proper advice can be given.

K4D

[christmas]

I guess I dont understan how this works. I cannot get anybody to reply to me. What do i do?

[RedSoxFan]

I called a mediator today. It is the first step i have taken towards D. My H will soon have a place to live and will now take the kids. He is totally in love with OW. I found some letters today and they broke my heart. He says things to her that he never said to me. Why am I fighting for a H who is love with another? Why do I want to hold on to all of this pain. Can i ever forgive him? Will he ever give me the Chance? I hate this. I have my goals but I don't think they will ever be met. He is in love and planning a life with someone else. He doesn't love me anymore. Why do i think he will come back? I need someone to reply to help me. I am totally lost and heartbroken.

Die, If you take a look at my thread and read my sitch (click on the red 'My Intro Thread' link at the bottom of my post) from the beginning you'll see that I left my W a year ago and probably have done and said many of the same things your H has. She found correspondence that I had written to OW. It was much as you describe. I cant say what's going on in your husband's head but I can tell you that I was in a fantasy world trying to escape from my problems, a marriage that had been horrible for years, depression, low self esteem,. not feeling loved, possibly a MLC, etc., etc. When I finally woke up I realized how much I loved my W. The things I wrote and said to OW were bizarro fantasy land talk. Sure I thought I meant it when I said it but I was not human at that time.

There is definitely hope here Die. This is hard but you're amongst friends who are going through similar stuff. Things will be OK

[K4D]

Post your full story first. Then simply respond on other people's threads to whatever you think, to something being good advice, to anything maybe you can offer. They will start coming over to look at your thread. It takes a bit, but they will.

What are your goals that you set?

Kevin

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Die,

For starters, you need a new screen-name. Something more positive and hopeful. That sounds hokey, but I do think it makes a difference. You're NOT going to die, and this thing is NOT going to overwhelm you. I know it feels like that now. The night I got the keylogger e-mail, showing what my wife was typing to OM on our home computer, I felt like a 300-lb. man was sitting on my chest, pinning me down -- I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to puke.

Over the next couple of months, she said she wasn't in love with me anymore, and I listened to recordings of her telling OM that she would NEVER love me again, and NEVER stay with me (and worse).

Today, our relationship -- while still having some struggles -- is 90% stronger than it has EVER been, we're ML more frequently than at any other time since we were newlyweds, she tells me she loves me every day and her affair is two years into our marital rear-view mirror.

It DOES get better, and what your husband writes -- or says -- right now does NOT mean it's the truth. If he's in an affair, his brain is awash with all kinds of "loooove" chemicals and endorphines right now that the closest thing you can compare it to is a middle-schooler in their first love crush.

It doesn't mean that's how he really feels, or that it's hopeless for you.

Puppy

[K4D]

For starters, you need a new screen-name. Something more positive and hopeful. That sounds hokey, but I do think it makes a difference. You're NOT going to die, and this thing is NOT going to overwhelm you. I know it feels like that now.

I thought the same thing about the name. But I wasn't quite sure how to put it and I wasn't sure how deep into the depression you were. I assumed a great deal from the name. But you do need something more positive.

I felt the same as Puppy also when I discovered the emails of the A that was going on with my W. While things haven't improved, I am only my first year into this. Many times it can take years. You have to prepare for a long ride. If you are one of the fortunate few that reconcile in a few months, and it does happen, then you were blessed. But for most of us, it takes a lot longer, so just gear yourself up for a long roller coaster ride. And as Puppy said wih his own M, they do get reconciled on here. But you have to make sure you have done the work on yourself first before you can start taking temperatures on your H.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you don't know if your H can ever meet your goals. You should be setting goals for yourself, not for your H. You want a smooth path open for him to come back to you. You don't want stipulations and goals set up that he has to meet. That won't be very inspiring for him to come back to.

Just some thoughts.

Kevin

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It does take time, and you will need more patience than you have ever applied to anything before in your life. I was able to bust up my wife's affair inside of 3 months, but we are just NOW -- 27 months later -- starting to really get our marital "mojo" back. And it took SEPARATING to do that, go figure!!

Puppy

[overwhelmed35]

I wonder sometimes if things can be clearer for the WAS once they separate. A change in perspective is probably good for your H.

[courts0818]

I just wanted to pop in and say you can do this. I know how totally desperate and hurt you are. My H walked away almost a year ago. I know what it feels like to be totally lost and heartbroken. But, you have the strength to fight this. There is hope. Sometimes I feel the same way...totally hopeless and depressed. But I believe that marriages are worth fighting for - even when it seems pointless.

I'm not very good at offering advice as to what you should do, but I hope it helps to know that others (including me) know the pain you are feeling. And it is hard, but do your best to take care of yourself and don't allow the sadness to eat away at you -instead, do some things that make you happy even if you don't feel like it.