Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 23 of 41 1 2 21 22 23 24 25 40 41
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 101
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 101
Hey Sandi, hypothetical question, what do you think would have happened if when you were a waw, you read your posts above? would it have hit home? would it have made you come around a little?

Just wondering if those post were to be printed out and 'accidently' left out...

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
I know it's hard for us LBH's, but it really helped me to have a little 'tough love' compassion as well. I don't mean persuit, or accomodation. Just that understanding takes the sting out of anger.

what's really hard for me is seeing what my XW's life is like for her now. She's having to get a second job selling to friends just to pay for food. She has a professional job, but her financial as well as WAW rage has left her with little left, while I've got smooth financial and emotional sailing.

She's the Monday hangover after a Saturday night out.

I refuse to help her in any way and am moving on or at least acting as if. Maybe she's hit bottom and is now on her way back up, who knows, but my point here is in line with Sandi....that these things take a long time and resolution will probably not occur at least not any time soon. My XW is the most stubborn person I've ever met, but I see cracks in her wall forming now. She's starting to come out of it and there will be WAW flashbacks.

Sandi's right...the moment I started to move on, things started to change. I started actually living the 180's and the as if's.
I became happy again and my XW took notice and beleived it was genuine. Now she's frustrated because I now have the life we had always planned on...but without her. I don't know if there's any chance for us, she had told me that she now thinks we should leave the door open.

The key is TIME and sticking to your positive atitude, 180's and the biggest one for me is positive, good friends. I have to say that I really wanther to totally get all this out of system before I will even consider her again. This for me is the waking up...

hope this helps!


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
B
BigJohn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
Quote:
what's really hard for me is seeing what my XW's life is like for her now. She's having to get a second job selling to friends just to pay for food. She has a professional job, but her financial as well as WAW rage has left her with little left, while I've got smooth financial and emotional sailing.

I refuse to help her in any way and am moving on or at least acting as if. Maybe she's hit bottom and is now on her way back up, who knows, but my point here is in line with Sandi....that these things take a long time and resolution will probably not occur at least not any time soon. My XW is the most stubborn person I've ever met, but I see cracks in her wall forming now. She's starting to come out of it and there will be WAW flashbacks.


SGfan,

Man that is sad to hear. I'm kind of getting the same feeling regarding my W- she just doesn't have her act together. It is very hard to see my W like this as well. My W is also very stubborn like yours. Like you, I am resigned to the fact that this is going to take along time towards resolution... if there is any resolution.

Thanks for the post!


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
Hey Sandi, hypothetical question, what do you think would have happened if when you were a waw, you read your posts above? would it have hit home? would it have made you come around a little?

Just wondering if those post were to be printed out and 'accidently' left out...


Well, the thing about WAS is that they have to be at a point that they realize they need help, IMHO. At least, that was why I came on this board was to seek some advise and for me to have someone to talk to about what I was going through. I was not in the place that BJ's WAW is in. I was very unsure of what I wanted to do. I was in an EA when I found this board and I was given the best advice and guidance anyone could have had. Somone had recommended a book to read and I ordered it and that book was the start of me really beginning to turn around and have second thoughts of leaving my H. But I was seeking & willing, and if a WAS doesn't have that desire or recognize their pitiful condition, then I don't know that "anything" would help....like you were suggesting. If my H had tried to get me to read a book or come here to this board....it would not have worked....I don't think. The reason is b/c I would have not have had the right attitude if he had tried to get me to do that--and I would have seen it as pursuing. I also would have been angry to see "him" reading any R help.

So, it has to be up to the WAS and I believe timing is everything. God knows that if it had been reversed and my H was in an EA, I would probably have tried to leave things out for him to read, b/c that is how I am naturally turned. LBS have such a hard road b/c part of their trial is to wait for the WAS to see things for themselves. I can sure understand how you would be tempted to "help" things along, but honestly....I don't think it would work if you did that.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
B
BigJohn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444

Sandi,

Well here is an update on my sitch these past couple of days.

My W told me on Thursday that OM broke up with her because he just couldn't handle the thought of being the person who broke up her family and caused her H to file for D. My W started telling me how OM was angry with me for filing for D before I stopped her and asked if she was blaming ME for OM dumping her. She said "no" she wasn't then added that she "wasn't counting on" OM being in the picture forever. I then asked her when OM dumped her and she wouldn't tell me. What was interesting was that she didn't look me in the eye the entire time she was telling me this- which suggested to me that she was being less than truthful.

Then on Friday, we were scheduled to attend a mandatory mediation orientation seminar at the courthouse. The seminar was open to both petitioners (me) and respondents (W). I had already planned on going to the seminar on Friday; my W took the day off of work to go as this was going to be the only time she as a respondent could go before our scheduled court mediation appointment later this month. Well, long story short, my W leaves my D3 with me, spends the afternoon hanging out with a girlfriend, arrives home late and despite my efforts to get through traffic, we miss the seminar. (Not good for my W; fortunately I can attend a make-up seminar in a few weeks.)

As I had taken the afternoon off of work, I was not happy and unfortunately I vented my irritation on the way back home. We argued and my W started making nasty comments, telling me how she didn't love or like me anymore and didn't want to rekindle anything with me period. When we got home, we started arguing about her unreasonable expectations regarding the D (especially custody of the kids) and that's when I made a comment to my W about her world crumbling all around her and her dragging me and the kids down with her. We made eye contact and for a few seconds I thought my W was going to cry before she turned away. (I know, I should have kept quiet on the way home and then afterwards. Dumb mistake.) We kept clear of each other for the remainder of the day and evening; I spent the evening with my boys while she watched tv.

The following morning (Saturday), I got the kids packed up in the car for a big Labor Day party at my Mom's. My W wasn't invited; she said previously she wasn't interested in going anyway and was planning on attending a friend's birthday shower that day. As I told my W goodbye, she gave a very terse response like she was mad. As we are driving away, D3 tells me "Daddy, Mommy is mad at you." Me: "Why is that honey?" D3: "I don't know." Huh? Anyways, we came home late last night and my W was still up- apparently she hadn't gone to her friend's baby shower after all and had spent the day cleaning house.

I don't know quite what to make of what my W has been saying and doing lately. I know I shouldn't be since I'm trying to detach completely. Can you be detached- or working on detachment- and still be curious?


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
Uh-oh, WAW in crisis. Tried to jump from one moving horse to another, but OM was having none of it. Nice way to put it, he didn't want responsibility for breaking up her family. Not, he didn't care to take on a new wife and children. Hmmm. Good way to spin fear of commitment. So now she has to clean the house, metaphorically. Yep, she has to put her house in order cuz it's falling down and she has nowhere to go.

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
BigJohn, Sandi, Sara,

I know BJ has his hands full, and I am in the same boat. I can use some guidance.

If we go legal to legal D rather than Mediation, what are my chances of escaping this thing with some skin left?

I am hurting big time thinking about my upcoming mess, and not trying to hijack, as reading your replies to BJ is so similar to my sitch..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
B
BigJohn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
BigJohn, Sandi, Sara,

I know BJ has his hands full, and I am in the same boat. I can use some guidance.

If we go legal to legal D rather than Mediation, what are my chances of escaping this thing with some skin left?

I am hurting big time thinking about my upcoming mess, and not trying to hijack, as reading your replies to BJ is so similar to my sitch..


IWITW,

The short answer is that D is going to cost more than mediation for sure. However, if your W is going to be fair with regards to property division (50%) and child custody (50%), you mutually agree that D is definitely the right answer to your sitch and things like personal accountability is not important, mediation may be a viable alternative.

The above criteria don't fit my sitch, so my W and I are going to do things the hard way- assuming she is unable to extract her head out of her a$$ before the D is final. I'm seriously stressed about all of the implications too- the emotional impact to my kids, the financial devastation, etc.- but what the hell am I going to do? Of course, my W is friggin CLUELESS about everything- too busy being selfish, ungrateful and daydreaming about a fantasy life like in the movies. mad

IWITW, Any way you slice it, D is going to suck big time for everyone involved.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 216
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 216
Hey BJ,

I will respond over here. I appreciate u checkin in on me. I had a good weekend and today I got to spend the day with the kids and we had a great time. The W is acting like everything is ok except no affection and does not want to show herself naked in front of me. We are talking but not talking about R stuff I will not bring it up anymore bc nothing good has come out of it. I am just waiting it out and enjoying whenever I go out with friends.

How is your sit? How was your weekend?

Jman


M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
Quote:
The above criteria don't fit my sitch, so my W and I are going to do things the hard way- assuming she is unable to extract her head out of her a$$ before the D is final. I'm seriously stressed about all of the implications too- the emotional impact to my kids, the financial devastation, etc.- but what the hell am I going to do? Of course, my W is friggin CLUELESS about everything- too busy being selfish, ungrateful and daydreaming about a fantasy life like in the movies.


God, I have written these same things myself in my sitch. I feel for you man. I really do, I am sitting on the couch with my W and d8 tonight, if you peeked in, you would think we were still a couple, and and it's just sinking in that she is going to try and clean me out.

We can't show them how much this affects us, correct? How do we take the offense here to protect ourselves?

I am calling the mediator tomorrow myself, to try and setup one last attempt at it. I am not holding out much hope. The thought of how much money I will have to hand over to her weekly is making me physically sick to my stomach. She gets to walk with a bagful of cash, new boobs, new car, and leaves me holding the bills. How in the hell is this going to be fair to me?


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Page 23 of 41 1 2 21 22 23 24 25 40 41

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard