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Hey BJ,
Wow. That is unbelievable. U did what u had to do and only u knew when u could not put up with it anymore. So Is she allowed to be at the house now? Also do u know what the reaponse was from her going down to the courthouse?

Man u r brave and the fact too that your youngest is mentioning the OM name is bull ----. It really does suck that it had come down to this but you are doing what's best for u and ur children. Kudos Bro. U got more guts than me.

Try to chill out if poss so you can think clearly for your next moves.

Take care


M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process
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I don't know what to advise, but she should not get away with talking to little D about OM and telling her that Mommy likes OM, etc. That is so unacceptable! Then....so is an A.

This woman will only continue to get worse, IMHO, and until "she" began to suffer from the from her own bad choices, then she is not going to slow down. I don't know of anything she has had to suffer personally! It has been her family that has been put through the ordeal of her unfaithfulness to the M.....not her! And now for a "mother" to be teaching her little girl the crap she is telling her.....and there's no telling what else she has been saying trying to get the D's approval about OM. If you can think of something to hold her feet to the fire where the child is concerned, I sure thinks she needs to be accountable for that terrible behavior of bad parenting.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I would talk to a C about your D. She's using her to get at you which is extremely damaging to her. Your W's using her to get under your skin, but in the end your D is going to be messed up and think oh it's cool for mommy to have a H and a BF.

Screw that. Get your W away as quickly as possible. Do it very calmly so that it seems like you're taking care of business instead of reacting to her. When she goes off, don't say anything. You're done talking to her after all and she won't listen to anything you say anyway. Just look at her like a spoiled brat. A pitiful creature.

When you stop reacting to her and do your own thing, she's going to break. Once you are gone, she won't have any choice but to see what she's doing.

I would seriously look at getting primary custody too because she's going to fill their heads with all kinds of venom that will hurt them in the end.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Originally Posted By: Jman
Hey BJ,
Wow. That is unbelievable. U did what u had to do and only u knew when u could not put up with it anymore. So Is she allowed to be at the house now? Also do u know what the reaponse was from her going down to the courthouse?

Man u r brave and the fact too that your youngest is mentioning the OM name is bull ----. It really does suck that it had come down to this but you are doing what's best for u and ur children. Kudos Bro. U got more guts than me.

Try to chill out if poss so you can think clearly for your next moves.

Take care


Thanks Jman. Please don't let what I had to do get you discouraged with your sitch. I was forced to take a defensive posture with my W (file first for D) and only did so after discussion with members of my family and a reputable attorney.

Right now we have some preliminary hearings and other mandatory meetings set for next month at the courthouse.
I'll keep you posted as things develop.

Looking back right now, I don't know what else I could have done up to this point. It took the majority of my time and strength to get a handle on my emotions, let go of the (majority) of the anger/resentment/judgmentalism while carrying 95% of the household burdens and keeping my head above water at work. Perhaps I could have developed and implemented firm boundaries with my W sooner rather than wait until recently.

I will be OK. Unlike my W, I've had to deal with some bad things in my life before, so I'm familiar with the path to survival. Like my past life experiences, this sitch will forge me into a much better and stronger man than ever before. It does suck, but I'll take my pain upfront any day over having to pay the piper later, like my W.

Thanks again and I'll check in on your sitch soon.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I don't know what to advise, but she should not get away with talking to little D about OM and telling her that Mommy likes OM, etc. That is so unacceptable! Then....so is an A.


Well it gets better. After I stopped my post last night, my D3 announced loudly "Mommy LOVES (OM name)!" in front of my two sons and my W. It may not have been the most responsible thing to do, but I challenged my W to explain to the family what D3 meant by that. Naturally, my W declined. Later, I confronted my W alone and told her that this was the SECOND time that D3 had made comments using OM's name and that it was COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Unbelievably, my W started telling me that she did not tell D3 anything- D3 must have overheard my W talking to her friends about OM. Later, my W provided an alternate explanation, stating that D3 likely meant to say the name of one of her classmates and NOT OM's name. Does that excuse sound familiar? It was the same excuse she used before a couple months ago when D3 said "Daddy (OM's name)!", only D3's "confusion" was related to another classmate's name! Incredible!

Quote:
This woman will only continue to get worse, IMHO, and until "she" began to suffer from the from her own bad choices, then she is not going to slow down. I don't know of anything she has had to suffer personally! It has been her family that has been put through the ordeal of her unfaithfulness to the M.....not her! And now for a "mother" to be teaching her little girl the crap she is telling her.....and there's no telling what else she has been saying trying to get the D's approval about OM. If you can think of something to hold her feet to the fire where the child is concerned, I sure thinks she needs to be accountable for that terrible behavior of bad parenting.


That she may continue to get worse is my concern as well. My W still has not accepted ANY accountability for ANYTHING. The closest thing she has come to an apology is when I was telling my MIL that she (my MIL) did not know what my W had done to me and my W stating "I just want to be happy". I told my W afterwards that I was not aware of any "plan for happiness" that called for a W to eviscerate her H emotionally/psychologically, hurt her kids and break up her family. No response from W of course.

My W can't continue doing what she is doing indefinitely and not suffer some consequences. Who knows when that will be, but at the rate she is going, she may have to suffer the consequences alone. But that is her problem. I just have to take care of my kids and myself for now.

Thanks for your continued support and interest in my sitch Sandi. I do believe in miracles- not sure if there will be one in my sitch- but one can always hope.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: stuck808
I would talk to a C about your D. She's using her to get at you which is extremely damaging to her. Your W's using her to get under your skin, but in the end your D is going to be messed up and think oh it's cool for mommy to have a H and a BF.


Stuck,

I don't know what the hell is going on with my D3, it may be that she IS just parroting things my W is saying around her. Even still, my W shouldn't be saying these things around D3. I will be bringing this issue up with my C for sure.

Quote:
Screw that. Get your W away as quickly as possible. Do it very calmly so that it seems like you're taking care of business instead of reacting to her. When she goes off, don't say anything. You're done talking to her after all and she won't listen to anything you say anyway. Just look at her like a spoiled brat. A pitiful creature.

When you stop reacting to her and do your own thing, she's going to break. Once you are gone, she won't have any choice but to see what she's doing.

I would seriously look at getting primary custody too because she's going to fill their heads with all kinds of venom that will hurt them in the end.


I've got a tough battle ahead regarding custody of the kids. Before my W lost her mind and got mixed up in her EA, she was an outstanding mother, A+. Right now, aside from the EA, inappropriate comments around D3 and associated weird behavior, my W is still about a C+ mom which compared to other women in the PTA is probably more like a B+. My W and I are like Ozzie and Harriet, only on steriods.

My W does have a competitive advantage over me as the primary caregiver of the kids. She will fight big time to establish herself as the primary caregiver of the kids. She is using the kids as emotional crutches right now, they are key to her not winding up alone. Realistically, I can probably expect 50% custody with my W as the primary caregiver. My odds of keeping the family home are better, but I will have to ultimately buy my W out if the D becomes final.

With the kids primarily living with her, it will surely take a lot of the "sting" being away from me. But, she will still have to share them with me 50% of the time which means she will be alone 50% of the time. Time will only tell what she'll think about that arrangement. Of course, she will still have the R with OM who is coaching her and providing her with R advice along with lots of affection, so that should also minimize things for her, at least in the short term.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Hi BJ, been kind of just watching your situation unfold.

First off, as hard as I know it was to do, I applaud you for having the strength to protect your children by filing first. I think if I had, my outcome would have been much different. (D'd with joint custody where XW is custodial parent)

Secondly, you may very well end up as the custodial parent if your retain the family's prmary residence. Judges now a days want to see the minamilist impact on the kids as possible.

Ultimately the question is how far are you willing to take the custody issue? I got within days of appearing for mediation with them, then having them go to court the following week, and I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't put them through that.

Now, here's what I've learned post tense.

My XW, much like your W had my kids singing the praise of OM. She up and left within a week of me confirming the A and despite my requests carried on directly in front of them. This in time, a year now, is getting old with my kids as they are getting older and wiser.

In turn, it's unfortunate that my XW now is begining to see the err of her ways. Of course now the excuse is we're divorced because I hurried it along and she wanted to drag it out, "to think".

So, learning from how mine sitch turned out, heed the last statement and maybe drag it along for a bit. Where will your W get financing to combat this? I would certainly tell her to leave the house immediately in light of the kids comments about OM. You could also file a motion for temporary and emergency custody while the D ensues and establish visitation restrictions, acutally I highly recommend it, and am surprised your attorney hasn't if infidelity is part of the complaint.

Those two combined may just be enough to give her a dose of what the reality of things will be post D.

So, that's just some ideas.

Take care and stay strong.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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dday,

Thank you for the kind words and advice. Regarding the issue of custody, like you I am very protective of my kids and would be very adverse to putting them through any court hearings and/or mediation. I will just have to find other means to try to reach consensus with my W on this issue.

I'm with you regarding dragging things out with the D- that is precisely what I plan to do. At this point, I would like physical S from my W, but I don't know if filing for temporary/emergency custody is the way to go- just yet at least. I think I will let my filing for D followed by the financial disclosure forms I need to complete for all to review marinate for awhile with my W. I think my W needs a lot of time to fully evaluate what a rotten H and life she thinks she has as we march forward to a D she thinks she wants.

Thanks again for the feedback. If there is anyone else out there watching my sitch unfold that would like to offer either tactical, creative and/or practical advice I am all eyes and ears!


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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You're welcome BJ.

I'm only speaking from my experience on the temp custody because that was the very first thing my XW did upon filing for D. She almost got away from it because she had it served to out marital residence which I no longer lived at. Found out about it the day before the hearing was to take place. If it went through, I would have been granted only 'supervised' visitation seeing the lever of "cruel and unusual punishment" dealt upon my adultress W. If that would have went through, god only knows how bad off I'd be today. And since your W is in a financial bind, by filing so on her behalf, she can claim herself primary caretaker (as she already hs, no?), and guess what, she needs the residence and you're out.

Food for thought, you fired the first shot, it can get nasty from here.

dday


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Posts: 223
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BJ,

I think you have done the right thing in your filing. My divorce is final today and I have to say, like dday that if given more time, things would be different. This week she finally started dicussing the idea of leaving the door open after the divorce. The fact is for me though, that now I need time before I can even consider to the idea.

IN my state, we have a two month waiting period after the filing.
Unless there's abuse, etc. I think this is just not enough time.

Separating physically was the best thing we could do, because it made her start to think. We came close, just not enough time.

Oh well! I'm single today!


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
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