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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Apr 2009
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Oh, are you exercising and taking good care of yourself? Make sure you are taking care of business (work, health, finances, loose ends)...



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Briefly, it's not so much breaking down the wall as coercing her to climb over it. You have to work on you to make yourself attractive to her.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
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It is not your biggest issue but dealing with an affair and dealing with a pure WAW seem to require two different approaches.

Excuse the metaphors but you cannot break down the walls. You just can't. All you can do is be the best you that you can be and hope she will peak over the wall. This won't happen fast. Men fix stuff. We want to fix the marriage like you fix a flat tire. Unfortunately it is just not that clear cut in the R business.

I too was a neglectful husband so I can relate a little. Going from neglectful to 100% attentive really throws them, seems pursueing and I think can be perceived as desperate and ingenuine. My wife told me all these things post-bomb. I made too much change, too fast and she didn't buy it. It took like 6 months for her to believe the changes. Then she became sort of an entitlement monster. I "owed" her for the last however many years. Lately things have become more balanced.

I am telling you all of this because I further down the path and it seems to be working (but notice I have been at this for a while). IF there is no other guy, that is great and your task is easier, You want to try to figure out what you were doing wrong and start fixing things one at a time. Just like the books say, this stuff takes time but hopefully each day will be better than the next. You can't push or prod her back into the relationship. Only draw her back in. She will notice but will probably not be affectionate until she is convinced and feeling better. You can only look for small signs that she is seeing things differently. I think the biggest mistake people make is pushing and expecting too much too soon.

You might want to read the "5 Love Languages" and "His Needs, Her Needs"


Me 44 She 46
S13 D9
M18 T23
3 years DB'ing
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Quote:
It really irks me when people say there is OP (other person) when they have NO idea. As if a woman would never just get fed up and want to reassess their life and situation...


Just because you get irked doesn't change the facts. The FACTS are that most (very high percentage) of women do NOT leave until they have OP. FACT.

It is ridiculous to not consider it. His wife has most ALL of the signs of a spouse in an affair. Just the things he has posted in a short time definitely gives ME an idea that it is a very distinct possibility.


Last edited by gucci loafer; 08/25/09 05:01 PM.
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Got that myslf Gucci, My wife did not stray, but was soooo fed up that she was going to throw away her life to start a new one. Had to convince some here that this was not the case eventhough they saw the "red flags".

I agree though I had it easier with no OM. The only problem is making them believe the changes are truly for real and for yourself and not just a manipulation.

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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Quote:
It really irks me when people say there is OP (other person) when they have NO idea. As if a woman would never just get fed up and want to reassess their life and situation...


Just because you get irked doesn't change the facts. The FACTS are that most (very high percentage) of women do NOT leave until they have OP. FACT.

It is ridiculous to not consider it. His wife has most ALL of the signs of a spouse in an affair. Just the things he has posted in a short time definitely gives ME an idea that it is a very distinct possibility.



I'm not arguing with you that it is a distinct possibility. I was relaying my observations IRL as well as my own experience. That's all.



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Hi again...

It's been a long weekend but I confronted my wife and she admitted the affair. I suspected it (and the person) but I guess I did not want to believe it.

I'm going to post another thread because I'm in need of a LOT of help!

Bottom line. I'm still in love with her, I'm willing to forgive her for this betrayal and I want the marriage to work.
BUT...she says she's still "in love" with the OM.

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Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
It really irks me when people say there is OP (other person) when they have NO idea. As if a woman would never just get fed up and want to reassess their life and situation...

The space thing is a flag but without knowing, it can be a real diversion from looking at the M issues.


AAK I know it irks you but in the last few threads that we've commented on together, there has been the OP in each of those situations, it's common enough because it happens regularly so that is why people make the assumption.

And yes I know what they say about the word ASSUME,
makes an ASS out of U and ME.

In braindead's sitch, his wife is having an affair so it's applicable as well.

The one thing that is very common with WAS's is... resentment.
Resentment for the way their relationship ended up, how they were treated all these years, how their needs weren't met, how they "tried" to communicate but were never heard/listened to, etc. The one thing about resentment, it breeds entitlement and that's why it's common for WAS's to have affairs, they haven't been getting their needs met in their marriages so they feel entitled to having an affair.

Resentment breeds entitlement.


"...Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favourite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord. Hiking, playing volleyball..."
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