he was back, i think

[lost-n-Iowa]

I don't believe that they think about us until they either get caught or divorce papers are filed. I know my H thought that what he was doing was 'wrong' but did not think about my feelings until he actually got caught doing it. I still wonder if he even realizes the pain that he caused another human being because of his actions.

Hope you get to caourt soon. I hope that it doesn't end up being a long drawn out proccess for you.

[bluerain]

Hi doodles, I hope that you are getting ready to have a great weekend!

[mdoodles]

thanks bluerain, hope u have a good weekend too!

no big plans for me though. my son has this new thing of sleeping out at his grandparents house so last night he slept there and they will bring him back home this morning. im going to check out the gym in my community soon and see who goes on saturday mornings!

my friends are not sure who i have become lately but we are all liking the new me!

im in a weird place. im feeling kinda like i lost my 20s somewhere, as if im picking up where i left off right before i met h. only now im 31, have been married, had a baby and owned 2 homes. im almost tired thinking about it all.

its weird that the only thinking i do about h, is thinking how i dont think about him!

im still busy preparing all the info for court, its rather taxing but im prepared.

[Sanderika]

Hi Mdoodles,

You still sound really good.

I am happy to hear that.

I wish you and little son a wonderful weekend!!!

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

thanks sanderika, hope all is well with u. weekend is ok, son is sick, not terribly but has alittle something.

so ive been out and about, met some new people, went on some simple dates, nothing quite like the first guy.

i really cant believe that im actually writing on this site about someone other than my husband!

i mean, i meet new people and im comparing them to the other guy, rather than h. i think that is a total sign that im completely detached and ready to fully move on!

so weird in a sense...

[Sanderika]

Hi Mdoodles,

I would have to agree with you. I think we all reach a point when we are ready to completely move on.

Things here are not going all that well....getting to the point to give up. Not thinking I can do more and actually want to do less. My new job has made me feel a whole lot better and am ready to be done. I need to get a hold of your courage. I am strong enough just not courageous enough. I can't seem to let go of the past, 30 1/2 years is a long time to let go of....

Sorry son is not feeling well.

Interesting that you are meeting lots of new people already, your complex was definitely the right choice for GAL and PMA for sure.

It's all wierd....all of it, nothing makes sense anymore.

I am glad to see you doing so well....

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

i think u are a strong courageous person too...im laughing that u want my strength when u have always seemed more together than me. i dont know that its about strength or courage, its more about when u are truly done. and i reached it. no one can force u and u cant force yourself.

i heard my friends all along telling me to move on. i didnt want to and wasnt ready to.

now i am. perhaps it was when she was harassing me and he was busy trying to get me to drop the charges.

i think all it will take for u is one more incident to put u over the edge and be where i am.

but u just cant force it. not at all.

its so funny though, im so thinking about that guy i dated a few weeks ago. not about h, the new guy! trying to figure him out now instead of h.

i must like a challenging situation huh

[Sanderika]

I would have to say you like a challenge.

I still can't believe the amount of gritty stuff you took on all at once and look at you now. Most of us tackle one mountain at a time. You took on the whole range...

I love it that you have come out on the other side better than you were before.

The new guy vs. H thing is amazing. I can't imagine making that switch as fast as you have. It has to be all about what and when you are ready for sure.

See Mdoodles, I am going to have to put an end to this too. I have DB for over four years and am a lot better off than I/we was four years ago but have failed in getting H back. I have tried all I could.

I have sneeking suspicions that H is seeing another OW not just the one I am aware of. I actually thought this in February. I got another idea of this between July 11th and August 16th.

I will not be able to overlook this one. This could be the deal breaker for me. I am growing emotionless where H is concerned and that is beginning to grow stronger. I think a person can only take so much and they can't take anymore. It's then that we change our hearts. I feel my heart growing away from H. I think he has given me way to much of a run. If my suspicions are true, I have alerted some faithful friends to watch for me, I will tell H the truth behind my behavior and be done. In the mean time I have decided to go pitch black on H.

I am strong. I am not courageous to end my 30 1/2 year past. I think now I must take the steps towards the end. I am thinking I have more power right now than I have ever had before in this sitch. I feel it is now my turn to deal the cards....??????

I hate this all so much.....

I would rather be alone in my world the rest of my life than have to continue here.....The heartbreak is too much.....

Sorry to rain on your parade, I really didn't mean to. I haven't posted much about me in months. Maybe I should have been doing so....I am getting confused about what I want.

I am tired....

[mdoodles]

u did not rain on my parade at all.

i know how u feel.

but see i figured something out. the person u were with for those many years is not that person now.

i know we have all said that over and over but until u can fully grasp it and understand it, it will hurt.

i dont hurt anymore. it just hit me that the old h is really gone, he is in the past with mygood marriage.

i see him as 2 different people.

i miss that old person but not in the same way because it is as if he isnt around to be missed anymore.

not sure if i am making sense. ow does not have who i had. plenty of people have told me this but until u can feel it for yourself, it doesnt really matter what anyone says.

yeah, its funny how i fell so hard for this guy. totally weird that i met him, he is my absolute perfect match to the point of ridiculus. as if its not possible.

and he ran away. must have realized how perfect we were for eachother and got scared. not even kidding, i have it on my calendar to email him if i still feel this strongly in a few weeks!

and the people i have now dated since him, i compare to him, not h! its crazy!

u will be ok sanderika! i promise

[Sanderika]

Thanks Mdoodles,

I am sure I will be OK I have made it this far.

I am feeling very low......

You are right about H. Of course this is something I understand. He is not the same man. He never will be the same man.

I wish him all the best. I will always love him. I had at least 24 wonderful years with him. We did all our firsts together!!!!! No one else will ever be able to say that!!!!!

I think (I am crying) I really have to move away from all this. I can't live in the downs and lows anymore.

I am going to stop posting tonight and relax. I am so tired.

Thank you so much...

Sanderika