Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 17 of 41 1 2 15 16 17 18 19 40 41
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 223
Bj,

Well, I've been a fan of my wife for over 10 years now.

About two years ago, she made a major mistake you could say and lost her job. According to her, the issue had gone on for over 4 months before she was caught. I was away on a business trip when she called with the news. I had to get several loans, sell the house and move close to my family. I was barely able to pay our bills and this put a huge strain on our marriage. After the loss of my Father the following year, I had to help with my mother as well. So needless to say, I had zero time for my wife.
And my wife offered as much support as she could.

Looking back, I'd have to say it was last April when she began to plan to leave me. I had been on overdrive so long, I sunk into a major depression. The signs were there, I just didn't see them. Then, last December, I got the "I don't want to be married anymore talk." I'm pretty sure she was having an EA by that point with an ex from college. Over the next few months we went back and forth. I would set up MC, and she would bail.

Finally in April, she got a new job and had to go on a business trip. Everything changed after that. I snooped and found she was making weekend trips up to see the OM (CC records, Phone records, etc). When she came back, she moved into her own apartment and has been there ever since. She filed two months ago and we have one week before it's finalized. But she really been dragging her feet.

There's been a lot of drama, throughout all of this. I did everything, 180's, GAL's, acting as if; and it became natural for me. I lost 30 lbs and now I'm in great shape. She noticed, and then I got the whole, "why not before." But I stuck with it and she now knows the changes are for me and perminant. Anyway, when I do get around to it, I'll post my entire sitch on Newcomers.

To answer your questions...

We've been separated since April. She had been planning on divorcing me for about year without my knowlege. Initially, we got together and decided to be separated, but work on us. But once the OM got involved, things changed fast. She became bull in a china shop and the only good thing is that he lives out of state. She found a therapist, and says he's a god send, but he is not pro marriage and seems to be pushing her toword divorce.
She been blowing money and even though she makes a bit more than me, I end up having to help her with bills.

Finally, after reading some posts here, I 'dropped the rope.'
No more help, nothing. You asked about the frienship. I've been her best friend since we met and we've always been very close. It's the one bit of leverage I have in this. So, I feel that she must know what it will be like if we divorce, because I will not be her friend. She has to see what she's losing. I know it's because of this that she's had second thoughts about the D. Unfortuately, she equally stubborn. I have no expectations though.

At this point, I've been DB'ing for 9 months. I look back to this Spring and remember what h@ll my life was on the roller-coaster of WAW.


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Good Morning BJ, I want to take a little time today to think more about your stitch, but I did want to tell you this much...and that is to not allow her to talk about OM to you. For a W to carry on about how wonderful the OM is to her H is very, very disrespectful. She doesn't even seem to consider what she's doing! So, whenever she begins to even mention him, hold your hand up in the "stop" position and tell her that you won't hear anymore about the adulter that is helping to break up your family. (Notice I said "helping" b/c she will get off into how OM is not the root cause, etc.) Or you could say that it is very disrespectful of your home for her to discuss the man she is having an A with. That leads me to the next step.....do not get into R talks with her--and she will be very slick about pulling you into that. Again, hold your hand up in the stop sign and tell her you aren't going to talk or rehash the same things--and when she's ready to say she'll work on the M, then you will listen. It is very important that you have the upper hand in the stitch at this time. I believe that you need to go as dark as possible considering that both of you are under the same roof. And, BJ, here's the thing...you are so protective of her and it's your nature to look out for her, but she has to suffer some loss somewhere before she realizes her bad decisions. Maybe you should consider what would be appropriate boundaries for the two of you being S and under the same roof. Make sure you don't do any "favors" for her---like helping her with chores, etc. Take care of your things and let her take care of hers. Act as if the two of you really are S. If you cook....I think it should be with the attitude that it is just for you and the kids. If she shows up at dinner time, you could act rather surprised and say, "Oh, I fixed something for the kids and me but you are welcome to share". (Only if you want to-- and depending on her attitude. Don't be nice guy when she's being a b*tch. However, don't allow her bad attitude dictate how you will feel and if you can...show a "don't care" attitude b/c that will get her more than you responding with a negative one.) Don't push it or act eager. Have a "could care less" attitude about anything she does!! If you should come home and she has cooked dinner and doesn't say anything about inviting "you" to eat, then that would be a good time to go get spruced up and go out. Act as if you had that in mind all the time.

I feel that you need to show that you are dropping the rope completely and do not hint at wanting to save the M or even that you still have any feelings of any kind toward her. Don't listen to her except "if" she decides she wants to discuss working on it. I think she "needs" to see you GONE (in every way but physically, unless you decide to leave)from the M. I have never told people to date when they are still M and especially living under the same roof. There are some board members who advise that but I feel it causes a lot of confusion for the children. However, you "could" leave the impression with your W that since she is acting like a single person, that it must mean it releases you to be single again also. If or when she ask any questions along this line...you don't answer! That is very important. Some men think they have to give an answer just b/c the W said something. Well, you don't. Just a "look" at her will do more good than any answer you could give! I know you want to spend all your spare time with your children, but at this particular time...GAL outside the home is important. (Don't forsake the kids by any means, but if you are "with" the kids all the time, then she will think of you as being "safe"...know what I mean?) It is important that you beat her to the punch about going out so she will have to stay with the kids. It is important that you are very mysterious and not tell her ANYTHING and if she ask questions, remind her that the two of you are S and therefore it's none of her business what you do.

Of course you have to decide what is right for "you" and don't do anything that is contrary to your beliefs, but she really needs to see her "losing you" and a glimpse of what that could be like. She doesn't have the OM with her now so it is a good time....and maybe the only time to set that into motion. You do what you feel is right about the dating. As a woman, I know that even when we act as if we don't want our H....we still get jealous if we think he may want some other female or if OW is looking at him! It is a dangerous game and that's why I don't encourage it, but you do what you feel comfortable with. I think you could stir her interest about your activities up-- without you really going out with another woman.

Well, I have to go to work, but I will try to think about all of this. I know it is a fine line you are walking...but not as fine as before b/c she has made her case known very clearly and she has went too far, so now you really have to step into the LRT.



It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
B
BigJohn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
SG,

Thanks for sharing your sitch. It is amazing how many things you, I and the other LBHs have in common insofar as our circumstances are concerned. I suppose that you are fortunate given your current sitch that you guys don't have any kids. That makes things much more difficult. As a survivor of my own parent's divorce, I know what my children can expect to go through emotionally. My W, whose parents remain together, has no idea what a D will mean for our kids nor does she have any real interest to understand.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
B
BigJohn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
Sandi,

Just popped in during my lunch break. Thank you very much for the feedback. Regarding my W getting jealous over attention I may get from OW: There have been a couple of occasions- most recently during a July 4th BBQ- where several women have commented to me in my W presence about how good I look. I couldn't really gauge at the time whether that bothered my W or not. I know that my SILs (and MIL) have all told my W how good looking I am and that OM looks and is an ugly skank. (BTW, even my W has admitted that OM is not particularly good looking, he just has a "cute personality".)

When I have mentioned to my W about being uncomfortable with younger women flirting with me (at the gym, post office, on a plane, etc)- because I want to be with her (W)- my W's response has been "well that's good, it will make things easier for you when you are single again and want to date". So I'm not sure if my W is really feeling jealous or not- I think she has really emotionally detached herself from me completely- although I do think that she still considers me handsome.

Going out on dates with OW is out of the question, however I have given some thought at this point to corresponding with some OW on one or more of the online dating websites if not for anything else then just out of curiosity. Perhaps if my W saw what other attractive women would be interested in me that might give her pause before throwing me out with the trash.

Acting like I don't care what my W is doing is going to become easier I think since after her trip and all the crap that happened there. Her ongoing treatment and disrespect for me and the entire family on both sides is really pissing me off. I'm starting to see my W as a real liability to me and my kids- someone who can't be relied upon or trusted anymore. She most certainly is at odds with many of my core beliefs with her behavior and her A.

I certainly have my shortcomings like everyone else and I'm 50% accountable for the problems in our MR. But the fact of the matter is I'm still a damn good catch and do not deserve to be treated this way. I'm getting increasingly concerned that my W is going to exceed my patience/tolerance without either one of us immediately recognizing it until it is too late.

I'll post more later. Need to get back to work.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
BJ, I'm glad you know that you would be a good catch for another woman. That is exactly the attitude you need to have. I don't personally think people should date while M, but that is something I suppose each one has to decide for themselves. Be careful about the Internet chat sites. I learned the hard way. I was curious also....and very lonely & depressed. It makes one ripe for an EA and even though you feel that you would be doing this to see how your W would react, you are in a vulnerable position and could end up in matters being worse than already are. Not knowing how long your W thinks it will be before she plans to D you, makes one think that you have to go on living and not wait forever...on the other hand, if you still hold out hope of reconciling the M...you want to be very careful not to get another person involved, right? Oh, it is all so complicated at times. I do hope you make plans ahead of time to find places to go and things to do that keep you away from her as much as you can....without it taking you away from your kids too much.

As I told you once before, the OM's looks has very little to do with your W's attraction to him. I can see why that would be hard for you to understand and especially since you are more handsome than he is. Your W is headed for a fall and there is no doubt about that, it is just a matter of "when" and hopefully, it will be before she goes through with a D. I still hope she will get her eyes open even if her other feelings doesn't want to follow. But she may have her head so far into OM that she doesn't see OW noticing you. Hard for me to believe that a W would not see that, but some things can blind us.

I still say not to enable her in any way that would help her continue her A. When my H threatened to throw the computer out the back door, that scared me b/c it was almost my only means of contact to OM. My H would have missed the computer, but he would have thrown it away in order to keep me from contacting OM on it. Even though I could have found other computers, it would not have been very handy and I could not have had the freedom that I had in the privacy of my own home. So, there may be some things that you will have to sacrifice in order to not enable your W's A. I think the largest area that you need to hit hard and fast is with the finances. If the two of you are going to be S, then don't you think she needs to feel the pinch? If she continues to enjoy all the nice things she did before, what change will there be outside of the fact she's not sleeping with you? I know you aren't going to cut her food supply off or anything like that, but I think you know what I mean. I don't believe she even realizes all the ways she can suffer the consequences of being S (even in the same house), but you need to show her. The first thing is she should not have any of your income for her personal expenses and she should have to pay for some of the household expenses.

Since she has been so brazen with her A and thought so little of you or her children, then you might need to act accordingly where friends are concerned. In other words, don't attend get-togethers with your W. Simply explain to friends that you are S "in-house". I know that will be difficult but you have to stop protecting her, and that is exactly what you have done up until this time. So, don't go ANYWHERE with her....don't even make it a "family" outing with her and the kids together b/c you have done that and it did not work. BJ, you will want to do it for your kids, but it is time for you to stop having those family things and just tell yourself that it is tough love you are applying to your W. If you end in a D, you would not continue to have those family outings anyway, so now is the time to show her how it would be if D.

Act like you are S and don't watch TV together. Dont try to carry on pleasant conversations with her. The only thing I would say to do anything together "for the sake of the kids" would be if you ate dinner at the table all at the same time. Yes, it will be hard, but if it ends in a reconciliation, it will be worth it, and if it doesn't....it wouldn't change anything. I'm saying that you don't need to do anything at all with her. Make everything different, now. Make her feel the sting of her decision! Don't do any of those nice things you've always done b/c you've learned the hard way that being the "nice guy" did not work. Read Puppy's old thread and you will see how much he had to learn that lesson. It's not fun to be the tough guy, but it is necessary...now. If life continued at home the way it had in the past then your W would have no reason to back down from her decision. So that is why I say to make everything different from what it has been and make her feel the crunch. I'm not saying that you have to go around like you are mad at the world, but just act like you could care less "about her"! Women can't stand that! It is good that you are ticked b/c that will help you to detach and maybe you will get to the place that you don't care so much what she decides to do and then it won't hurt so badly. It usually takes men that much before they can truly drop the rope and that is when the WAW usually realizes what she's done. I think I've said all this before, so I won't just keep on, but I mainly wanted to let you know that I am still in your corner supporting you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 216
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 216
I am going to use this advice from Sandi. It seems to be preety solid stuff and totally makes sense.

This seems totally different from the DR info?

But it makes sense


M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
B
BigJohn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: sandi2
BJ, I'm glad you know that you would be a good catch for another woman. That is exactly the attitude you need to have. I don't personally think people should date while M, but that is something I suppose each one has to decide for themselves. Be careful about the Internet chat sites. I learned the hard way. I was curious also....and very lonely & depressed. It makes one ripe for an EA and even though you feel that you would be doing this to see how your W would react, you are in a vulnerable position and could end up in matters being worse than already are.


Sandi, point taken. I was speaking in the heat of the moment when I made the comment about those websites. I have enough on my plate already and don't need to be dealing with more stuff. Something like that goes against my principles anyway. I was mad at myself after I posted those comments because it just illustrates how much my W has hurt me for me to even entertain thoughts like that.

Quote:
As I told you once before, the OM's looks has very little to do with your W's attraction to him. I can see why that would be hard for you to understand and especially since you are more handsome than he is.


I know you have. It's not just the looks, it's everything. He is my opposite- in a negative way- in many areas. It just drives me nuts.

Quote:
I think the largest area that you need to hit hard and fast is with the finances. If the two of you are going to be S, then don't you think she needs to feel the pinch? If she continues to enjoy all the nice things she did before, what change will there be outside of the fact she's not sleeping with you? I know you aren't going to cut her food supply off or anything like that, but I think you know what I mean. I don't believe she even realizes all the ways she can suffer the consequences of being S (even in the same house), but you need to show her. The first thing is she should not have any of your income for her personal expenses and she should have to pay for some of the household expenses.


Agreed. She has been griping about "what are we going to do...we need to S...we can't keep living like this...blah, blah, blah. I keep telling her it's her problem- she is the one who needs to go. The kids and I want this M and family to survive, she does not. Either work on the M with me or go find another place to live to sort things out by herself. She keeps pushing this crap back on me and I'm getting tired of it. I've told her that at this point it is about survival- her behavior is affecting my performance at work- I work from home- and if I lose my job we are screwed.

Quote:
I know that will be difficult but you have to stop protecting her, and that is exactly what you have done up until this time. So, don't go ANYWHERE with her....don't even make it a "family" outing with her and the kids together b/c you have done that and it did not work. BJ, you will want to do it for your kids, but it is time for you to stop having those family things and just tell yourself that it is tough love you are applying to your W. If you end in a D, you would not continue to have those family outings anyway, so now is the time to show her how it would be if D.


Agreed. Heck, she has already burned bridges with several other people in the family anyway so this shouldn't be too hard. As a matter of fact, she has her B-day coming up next week. I was going to do something for the benefit of the kids at least- a cake, etc.- but given how she did a half-a$$ job at throwing my B-Day in April plus what has happened since, I may not do anything at all. No card either. Just let it be another day. I hate being mean to her, but I'm tired of getting my feelings stomped on day in day out.

Quote:
Act like you are S and don't watch TV together. Dont try to carry on pleasant conversations with her. The only thing I would say to do anything together "for the sake of the kids" would be if you ate dinner at the table all at the same time. Yes, it will be hard, but if it ends in a reconciliation, it will be worth it, and if it doesn't....it wouldn't change anything. I'm saying that you don't need to do anything at all with her. Make everything different, now. Make her feel the sting of her decision!


This is precisely what I am doing right now. You know, she had the gall today to reiterate that she really expected more effort on my part a few months ago to "try and win her back" when she was "wavering" on her decision to S and eventually D me- in the midst of her EA of course. Of course, "now it's too late" according to her. I started to argue with her then had to stop myself. What a bunch of B.S.!

Quote:
I'm not saying that you have to go around like you are mad at the world, but just act like you could care less "about her"! Women can't stand that! It is good that you are ticked b/c that will help you to detach and maybe you will get to the place that you don't care so much what she decides to do and then it won't hurt so badly. It usually takes men that much before they can truly drop the rope and that is when the WAW usually realizes what she's done.


I'm there now. My W is acting like a friggin' idiot and coward with no plan and no clue what the hell she is doing. I have myself to worry about and three kids counting on me. Right now, my W can just keep her head up her a$$ for all I care. It's all business right now and I'm keeping things real. Speaking of idiots, I may be one myself for loving her. smile

Quote:
I think I've said all this before, so I won't just keep on, but I mainly wanted to let you know that I am still in your corner supporting you.


Your feedback and support are invaluable. Thank you as always Sandi!


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Hey Big John, just checking in to see how you are doing. So, how does the W like tough love? Bet she is surprised at your 180 b/c she's been spoiled by BJ's sweet ways in the past and by getting her "princess" ways. I hope she is seeing that it is not cracked up to be all she thought!

I know you love her and it's hard doing what you are....but you know you have to BJ. Don't cave on her birthday, just remember that you have to act like you are S and don't do things "for the sake of the kids" b/c it will put you in a defeated place with your W. Be tough!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
B
BigJohn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Hey Big John, just checking in to see how you are doing. So, how does the W like tough love? Bet she is surprised at your 180 b/c she's been spoiled by BJ's sweet ways in the past and by getting her "princess" ways. I hope she is seeing that it is not cracked up to be all she thought!

I know you love her and it's hard doing what you are....but you know you have to BJ. Don't cave on her birthday, just remember that you have to act like you are S and don't do things "for the sake of the kids" b/c it will put you in a defeated place with your W. Be tough!


Sandi,

So far my W doesn't like it one bit. Right now she is pissed off with me about a follow up discussion I had with her tonight about her moving out to an apartment. She tried using the "it wouldn't be fair to the kids" argument followed by "I'm not going anywhere." I told her I'm not going anywhere either to which she responded "we will see about that, I'm going to get legal advice next week." I told her that I already had.

Apparently my W thinks that I- the primary breadwinner for the family- should move out of the house that I alone remodeled for our family, that I have maintained a home office in continuously for the last 11 years so that she can enjoy majority custody of the kids while continuing her EA and remaining underemployed. "You can see them on the weekends" she says.

I told my W that she is done wiping her feet on me and the rest of the family with her EA, her attitude, everything. I'm DONE with her crap! If she thinks she is going to get away with giving everyone the middle finger and have everything go her way just like in the movies she is wrong. Boy is she in for a rude awakening.

You know, up until recently I was opposed to physical separation with my W because I really wanted her to see my efforts and hard work and try to consider reconciliation with me. But she just doesn't want anything to do with me right now. In fact, as much as it hurts to say it, she is just being a flat out b*tch. So I'm looking forward to S with my W for the time being and hoping that she won't make it too messy.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I can't think of anything much worse to have to live in when a couple is "done" with their M and having to stay under the same roof. I would like to offer this suggestion and it may not sound like a very "graceful" one but I believe your W should not get off so easily when she comes at you the way she does. I think you should not refer to it as an EA and just say an affair. She needs to be hit in the face with that every time b/c she should have to own up to her fault and so far she is still trying to point her finger at you for the breakdown instead of taking the blame. I wouldn't soft cushion anything for her. Whenever she speaks as if it is a certain fact that "she" will have custody of the kids and home, can you put her in her place by reminding her that judges don't favor mothers who leave their children while they sneak out to go screw OM. No, on the other hand, that might not be a good idea to say that....and leave it for the lawyer to spring on her. I get caugth up in this and am angry at her and don't even know her! It shows how she is still in a state of "dream land" when she can do her children the way she has and still think that she won't have any problem getting full custody of them. I don't know the laws of your state, but I think that most states do not automatically give the wife/nother everything like they did decades ago. If there is anyway you can prove how you have been the one to stand by the kids and provided for the family while she was the one out doing things she shouldn't have....then that will get a judge's attention. Otherwise, it may be just "she said/he said"....but that is why they have lawyers to work through all the mess. It seems to me that if you work from your home that that would have to be taken into account also. I don't know, I'm blowing off steam as if I'm part of the family here. I should be giving you encouragement instead of talking like this. But it makes me angry at her to treat her family the way she has. BTW, do you have copies of her cell phone bill where she's contacted OM?

I hope you have the strength to contiue to stay there in the house and not give into her pressing you to leave. She wanted this and I would remind her of that fact every time she brought the subject up. Remember, no more Mr. Nice Guy! Don't make anything easy for her--so that she will get a small taste of what life without you will be.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 17 of 41 1 2 15 16 17 18 19 40 41

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard