I guess I shook my head because of all of the crap that has happened with her phone. All of the secrecy and texts and phone calls to OM had just built up resentment and mistrust in me and I did that unconsciously? It was wrong and it did cause her to get very ticked at me which I don't need right now or ever.
Everyone is right, I need to detach and I need some direction on "how" to do that.
Take up a new hobby.do something you always wanted to but were to married to try( just kiddin )point is keep busy if your train of thought is on something else it cant be on her.concentrate on yourself and your kids.It's not easy but if you don't put in the effort, it wont happen.
H 49 W 42 S 19 S 14 S 12 S 8 D 6 M 19 Bomb dropped 2/09 Separated 5/09 still hopeful, praying
LR, I think you have learned in the past what you need to do. I know we've told you about new things to try and hobbies, etc. You seem resitant to new opportunities and such. But the truth of the matter is that what you are going to have to do. You seem to think it won't work. It will. It will occupy you and your mind.
Believe me, I know there are days when I'm doing my yoga, exercising, tennis, out with friends, whatever and my mind just goes to H. I hate it. It always seems to happen when it's my serve. But I get myself back under control....I get my mind back and continue with my deal of the moment.
You have to LR. You have to do this or you're going to sink. She's super pissed at everyone right now, so clear the way. Let her attack everyone but you.
LR what is the current situation between you & your wife?
Are you legally separated?
What about custody, is it legal shared/joint custody?
Who decided to move out? Did she ask you to move out? Is it still your home?
I'm telling you all of this because I was out of my home for several months and when my wife started pulling all of this same crap, the switch finally flipped inside of me that I wouldn't be disrespected anymore.
Are you going to flip that respect switch on and demand respect for yourself or are you going to sit in your little apartment posting on this forum about how much she's hurting you and giving us all the details.
If there is no legal separation in place, I'm going to ask you to do what needs to be done and you're going to decide hopefully to do it if you want any chance at turning this around.
Move back in.
Any excuses you have as to why this isn't possible don't matter.
Move back home.
If that is your home and she is having the other man over there and you aren't there - you need to move back home.
She can stay or she can leave but she can definitely stop having that OM over to feed him steaks & sex. It may be the scariest thing you'll ever do but it will be the best thing you can do.
You need to start respecting yourself and that means standing up to your wife and stopping her crap treatment of you.
Don't ask her if you can move back in. You're not seeking her approval. You have to have the attitude that this marriage is done, in fact the sooner you have this attitude, the greater your chances of turning this marriage around will be.
Move back in.
If you are legally separated and you have agreed on paper to move out, have it changed, spend the money on a lawyer and get it done. If you're name is still on the title of that home, that means you are still the owner (half owner at at any rate) and no one can force you out of your home except for you.
I hope you read this soon and get off your duff and grab those raisins you call balls out of your wife's purse and do what's best for you.
The several months leading up to this point have demonstrated that whatever you have been doing is not working, in fact, the opposite has occurred, your wife is feeding another man and having sex with another man in your home. If this doesn't make you realize that your situation isn't going to change unless you make it change, nothing will.
Robx has a big point. Enough of the "wait and see" stuff. Really, enough. If she won't go to Retrovaille (and maybe she would if you showed some more backbone, sorry to say but you are coming off as weak), and she resists everything you have done, try a TRULY NEW approach.
And don't just do it for 3 days. It's all about "change + time" = HER perception maybe changing. You have not done the biggest changes of detachment, and you sure haven't given any new approach enough time. Just saying, you need to move forward with the idea that she won't come back and yet that you'll be fine, BUT that you insist on being in your own home with your children...and if she re-thinks things great, if not, you're in a better position anyway. If you'd actually stop pursuing HER, but take care of your kids, THAT'S a different approach!
Seriously consider Robx' idea. WHat is it you think you'll lose by doing something like this? J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, I have terrible news. W told me tonight that she went to see a lawyer yesterday to ask questions. He is a big time ball breaker from what I have heard and I guess this is going to happen. We talked for over an hour about it and I never cried, begged, asked why, anything like that. Just asked what were the questions and what was his answers and she told me. She said that she told him that I was a good person and great dad and that we wanted to have joint custody and that I would get my fair share of all of our/her assets. I did ask her if she was 100% sure about this and she said she couldn't say 100% sure, but that she didn't see it working out. She said that she is numb to me and her family and has no emotions left for us. She doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't want to make this ugly or any harder than it needs to be. I was strong and just said ok, I guess I need to go get a lawyer too now. I asked her if she was filing soon and she said that she didn't know but she would keep me in the loop and not spring any surprises on me.
I was strong to her, but I don't think I will be able to sleep now tonight. This is a devastating blow she threw at me tonight and I am not sure how I will recover.
I have thought about robx's idea and now if this is what she wants and wants to do this clean and nice, I don't want to rock the boat and make this an ugly divorce. I don't want D'd period, but a clean one is better than a dirty one IMO. If I move back home, things will get bad. And this big home we live in was paid for with her money. I work and she stays home, but it was her inheritance that paid for it and I pay for all of the upkeep and everything else. But I can't see me moving home and telling her to leave "her" house. I am going to continue trying to make the changes and see if she notices or changes her heart but I really believe that is all fantasy now. She wants this and has her mind made up. She is so distant and cold hearted toward me I dont think she will ever get the wall down between us. She said 4 or 5 times tonight that it was just too late.
I am going to continue trying to make the changes and see if she notices or changes her heart
This may not be what you want to hear but do not do anything for her. If you want to change something in yourself do it for you. If you are doing it to try and make her notice she will see straight through you. If you work on you for you it becomes natural and much easier. Not a walk in the park kind of easy but true change takes away the need for faking it.
Start tonight. Change your attitude to one of hope regardless of the outcome you will be a better person for the experience. It may not seem like it now, but you will. Not saying it will be fun or easy but you really don't have a choice.
One more thing. A D takes time so relax. Do what you have to do to protect yourself but realize you will not be divorced tommorow.
I know you are hurting but there are better days ahead. Good luck you have allot of people pulling for you!
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Update: I just got back from dinner with my sis and her husband who are visiting from Dallas to get their son (my neph) moved into the dorm for his freshman year. Exciting times for them. They are being very supportive of me in this terrible sitch.
I went to see a L today for the first time to get some info. The meeting went really good and he is one of the best if not the best L in town. I just want to protect myself from this crazy person I used to know. The weird part right now is I think that reality is hitting me and detachment is occurring pretty fast. I am kind of OK with all of this right now. Who knows if that will change, but I know that I will be OK through all of this if she follows through with the D. I found some indisputable proof last night that the EA is a PA and I will leave it at that, but I found that out about 10 minutes before she told me she saw a L. That is probably fueling my detachment and I think this is a good thing. I now get to work on me for no other reason except to better myself and make the best of my life and my children's lives.