Well, I was trying to put all my previous threads together for anyone with a lot of time on their hands for reading my recent history, but timed out on editing.
I'm going to start fresh on the next frame.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Just a few days before we signed the D papers, W told me that the time of seperation helped her clairfy how she felt.
And she felt like she did not like herself when she was with me. (is that my fault?)
It has been a long and painful year of seperation so in some way I am glad its finally over. Had she chose reconcilliation without some sort of epiphany on her part, it would have been an exercise in futility, much like it was as I tried to 'carry' our marriage w/o any effort on her part. (She expected me to do it all, from childcare and house chores to initiating romance).
So I am glad not not have to deal with that anymore because it wasn't fair and it was doomed to failure.
I have angst because of the upheaval this has caused to my daughter, about to turn 7. We have joint custody and by choosing this route, my ex has made life and parenting so much harder for us all. Or at least me, bc she still doesn't seem fully invested as a parent or concerned about the longterm impact on our D.
And lastly I have anger because I hate her for what she has done to me, after all I have tried to do to 'fix' this, to be good to her, to grow in the last year and she basically has spat on it. She has not shown the slightest personal growth or insight into her own behavior, and the conversation about how she contributed really hasn't happened. She chalks it all up to us not being compatible. Of course, I have a different view. She is also dating someone seriously, and that makes me angry as well.
So it looks like I have landed here, whether I like it or not.
Out of all this pain, however, I can honestly say I can see great new possibilities. I have a great deal more information about relationships and have used the time to grow. I have greater peace in general dealing with difficult people and healing has gone on in other relationships (ie parents) that otherwise may not have happened.
I am looking forward to putting my life back together with the help of wise DB'rs here. As I post, feel free to comment. I will be reading your threads and getting to know you as well.
Let's take everything we have learned and create the lives and relationships that we all know are possible.
Last edited by native; 08/15/0908:33 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Let's take everything we have learned and create the lives and relationships that we all know are possible.
Amen! part of bringing redemption out of all of the pain. It's kinda all for nothing if we don't do the work to learn from it. And the work is painful--but not nearly as painful as continuing to repeat a pattern that dooms us to further angst.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
In many ways, I feel like a better man....not for what she has done to me, but what I have done for myself. The things I have learned, especially read, and incorporated into my life. I have a library of relationship books and tapes now.
I figure if I take one or two good ideas from each tape or book, then its worth it.
In general, it is making me a better father. I don't react emotionally with my D7 as much....I am much calmer, stay in control more. (Hey, I'm Irish/Italian....I have a right to be emotional, don't I?)
I also have a more patient interaction with my parents as well, ( in general) tho my mom can still push some buttons. But the positive vibes are beginning to match the negative ones, perhaps edging them out. (longstanding issues w/parents...both other brothers wives have serious issues with my mom...she is who she is tho...not an easy person to get along with by any means)
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I feel the very same way. My relationship with my STBXH is quite over, but I know that in my future there will be someone and I am a much better person for having gone through what I have. I know more about what loving someone really is and I know more about communication and how very important it is simply because I don't want to keep repeating my past. It's a work in progress and definitely something that will take time, but I and my present and future relationships with all the people in my life are so worth it! I wish you peace!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Have no fear, I think you are great and have given me a lot of great feedback. I don't visit as often as I used to, but need to start coming back again to deal with the new emotions that the present situation brings.
My computer crashed....hard drive fried I think, so my dad lent me a laptop...just got it online tonight.
The goal now is to deal with the fact my ex has a boyfriend, and she thinks its serious. She's been seeing him for over a month now.
Do I care? I shouldn't, but it really bothers me.
She went to a lakehouse with her aunt and brought her new man this weekend. Was supposed to take our d, but was told kids werent welcome. So I had D this weekend and all last week. I felt like I had to make up for W. dropping the ball on the lakehouse weekend so I took D to the fair, which we both have a great time at.
When W came to pick up D, I generally ignored her. I don't know exactly how I should be. I hate that she just spent the weekend with new guy.
As for me being open to reconcilliation......I don't know anymore. I feel too betrayed.
How to really move on?
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
