Just got back from the movie, went to see GI Joe and it was pretty good if you like action! I called my friend who is a personal trainer and she is coming over to my apartment complex gym on Monday to set me up on a program and don't worry, she is a friend to both of us and there is no chance of anything between us.
I can spend as much time with my kids as I want. That is one area where she is being very good in all of this. She is flexible and wants them to spend as much time with me as I want. Right now, they are spending the night with me 3 nights per week and I spend all day on Sunday with them and her too some going to church, playing, ect. The other 3 nights per week she has them. That will probably change some once school starts but we need to get that setup.
I am definitely giving her space and taking this time of no more MC to give her a break and space, with no pressure about being with me. Who knows if that will change anything but that is all I know to do at this point.
As far as me, like I said earlier I am setting up a workout program at my apartment and will probably get her to train me once per week or every two and then I will do the others myself. I can't really afford a full-time trainer right now. I definitely need to get back into the groove on working out as weight has been an issue for me for the last 10-12 years. I need to lose a good 35-40 pounds and need to do it now! I am continuing to work on my spiritual health as well and will have my men's group starting back up every Friday morning next month. I take the kids to church almost every Sunday and will continue that as well as reading the bible and other books. My apartment complex also has a golf course on it so I have been playing a lot of golf and that is part of my rent so no expense there. Football season is starting next month also and I am a huge fan and we have our college team here and I will be going to all of the games. Once I lose the weight I am looking to lose, then I will go out and update my clothes, although I think I have always been a good dresser and I think wife would agree although its pretty conservative (Polos, jeans, khakis, ect.) Nothing wild.
Anyway, thats what I am doing right now and if you or anyone has other suggestions, I am all ears.
Sounds like you have your head in the right place. I agree with working on the mind, body and religion. Can't go wrong with that combination - it has done wonders for my confidence and brought me a lot of peace.
Hey LR1 My H said and wrote the meanest things. For example read below....this was an email in April.
W, I don't want to fix things.
That's the thing that is most sh!tty, that I feel sh!tty about, but it is what it is. I don't want to fix anything. Too much has happened, too much has gone on, and I don't want it anymore. No more "discussions". Just no more.
We can still do things with S together. We can still do things together. But I don't want to fix anything. I'm ready for it to end. It already has ended and I don't want to start anything over again.
I'm sorry it's come to this, I really am. But it is here. And it's got nothing to do with anyone else but me and you. I am not in love. Being in love is super important to me. I am not. And too much sh!t has happened where I'm not going to be able to get there with you again. We can be friends, we should be friends. Not just for S but for us. But that's it. It's time to go forward with the divorce. Tell me what you want and lets iron out the details and lets get it done.
I am sorry. Really and truly.
And here is another one from July.
i am trying. i am trying to figure out what is the best thing to do with my life - kind of a scary place to be right now. i am saying that just as you need to work on sh!t on your own, i do too. we've been good for a while b/c you did stop bringing it up...(R talks) and b/c i'm still trying to figure out what's the best thing for me to do for the long haul. i know what others tell me to do. i've seen (a little too close up) what happens when you let other people sway your opinion about this stuff. that's not going to be me. so i'm going to do this at my own speed. if that's not good enough for you, i'll understand. that'll make the decision for me. but you were right about 1 thing... i want to be sure. i have always wanted to be sure. maybe my actions and decisions were a little too influenced by others leading up to this. so i need to figure this out for myself right now. i do know that i am looking forward to taking you to dinner (at the beach) for your birthday. i did have a nice time with you last weekend. since you've been a little more "interested and involved" i like staying with you more and i have always liked sleeping in the same bed with you - especailly now that you let me cuddle up more... but i still can't trust that all that isn't bullsh!t. i still can't trust that it wont all crumble in a second. so i still am not sure. and it's going to take time to get sure. i don't want to fight with you. i know you're not happy about things i did. i know you need to decide for yourself too. so let's just leave all this in the box and bury that sh!t really deep in the forest behind the house and not go dig it up ever again. i think that will start us in the right direction to figure out what we each need and really want.
you and me being really real, that is what will help us out... kay?
if this makes you angry, i'm sorry... but i don't want to talk anymore. not with you, not with anyone. i just want it all to stop.
My birthday weekend was AWESOME and it was all because of him. And that made it even better.
and there have been more emails and conversations about how he wants to keep working, at his pace and figuring things out, at his pace. I don't want to put my H out there on this board, but I think it would be important for you to see what can happen when you work on you AND you really really listen to them. Not to say I haven't screwed up since getting this email and I haven't had blow ups with him, I have. BUT things are SO much better now. As Mach1 says, I was finally able to "install the filter".
One of the changes I've made for me that benefits him.....he said I stopped being fun. I asked for examples....I thought about what he said. I thought about what I wanted to do FOR ME. One thing I've done....I've really spiced things back up for us on a personal level. It was something I did before we had our S. It was something I stopped after S was born. I used the excuse that I was tired or just not in the mood. Basically, I took away something from him that he really enjoyed. But I brought it back because I realize I TOOK IT AWAY FROM MYSELF!! I enjoyed that part of our relationship a lot too. I was depriving me. I'm willing to bring this back into our lives, because I'm willing to do it for the rest of my life.
I also know H would like me to hang out, drink and party more, maybe not like we used to before S, but more. This is something he's going to have to deal with because that's just not something I'm willing to do for the rest of my life. And again, I'm not really sure what he would like in this aspect of our lives because I don't plan to ask....I don't know what would constitute "more". And I don't plan to ask because I don't plan to change, drinking on a regular basis like we did before S....it's not something I can do for the rest of my life and it's not something I want to do just for right now to "save my marriage". I like to get a little tipsy once every three or four months. Getting drunk is just NOT a big deal for me. Every now and then, it's a release. But doing it too often, it's a bad dangerous habit. I think we could be on the same page there, or I hope we are. He hasn't brought it up either and he's not held me down and made me do a beer bong!
Hang in there LR1. I did and things are much better now. A lot more relaxed which I love.
Thanks Stronger, I am trying to do some of those things and will continue to try as hard as I can to be a better person, man, and father and if given the opportunity husband. Today, I am feeling pretty good considering how bleak things look. I have actually slept all night the last two nights without any sleeping pills!!!
About to go pick up my son for a guys night. We are heading to a baseball game and then going back to the apartment to play guitar hero and watch a movie. Tomorrow, both of them are spending the night with me and then Sunday its church and then hanging out for the day. They will keep me busy this weekend on their last one of the summer before school starts next week.
How are you doing? I need to catch up on your sitch! I changed my name and I think I got lost in the shuffle.
Yes LR1-- you did get lost in the shuffle! How about Retrovaille? Any chance she'd go? Look it up if you are unfamiliar with it but the couples who host it have been through A LOT WORSE than you have, trust me, I know. And they are working their marriages out, and are glad to be m, so it has helped very troubled M's for years now. Any chance? You could argue that it would even help smooth things out IF you div, so that maybe she'd come without feeling a lot of pressure. It does not hit you over the head with "Staying together at all costs" but rather, shows that you can reconnect, and start over and how worth it, that is...just a thought.
Will catch up more on your thread later. I still think your w is in MLC, but so what? Still hurts the same. keep at it, DETACH and GAL... j-
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 08/15/0904:16 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So sorry you are in this sitch, but here's a few ideas... Other books you may want down the road are "Manifest Your Destiny" by Wayne Dyer (which preceded "The Secret" and discusses more about how to manifest LOVE in your life and peace in the world, not so much about getting more wealth or a promotion or a new car, etc. (Not that I'm putting "The Secret" down, but it just amazes me that so many people were surprised by the premise b/c it is not new. IOW, Your thoughts affect you and your life, period, Directly or indirectly. Therefore, Change your thought patterns, and your life changes..which = PMA, obviously.)
For now, I highly recommend "Return to Love" by Marianne WIlliamson b/c it is about teaching you how to forgive, not just telling you to do it. You know you have to do forgive to detach OR move on successfully in the M. Or just to live happily...forgiveness is key no matter what. And you know enough to know that forgiveness is for YOU, not her or condoning her or not making her accountable (God's job, not yours). Forgiveness frees YOU...and only you can do it, with God's help. It is very empowering. If you don't like her writing, get something else on forgiveness.
Have you read the Five Love Languages by Chapman, also? I realize it may seem late for that, but it's not. ANd as I posted elsewhere to you, do you think she would attend Retrovaille? The couples there have seen some serious trouble, worse than yours my friend. Seriously. And they're still married and NOT miserable...Give it some thought and see if she'd consider it if you word it in a way that reveals you are not pressuring her to do anything but get there, b/c honestly, even if you do divorce, going to the Retrovaille weekend would soften her heart and yours, and that cannot be bad for your children. Whatever it takes, just get her there IF you can...and NO couple is turned down for lack of funds. I know this for a fact. After my h and I attended we donated anonymously, as did many other couples. (Our donation covered our costs and the costs of another couple, just for this reason.) Good luck Razor (or LR1), and I'll check your thread later but can't now. IN fact am going on a "marriage retreat" with H tomorrow, so won't post for a few days.
If we can make it, and I think we have, you can. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Right now I don't believe she would go to Retrovaille. I just looked it up and there is one upcoming a couple of hours away in September. I went by the house today and saw that she grilled out steaks for two last night and I am 99% sure it was the OM. I just can't wrap my mind around this and why? What is the attraction? I also found a love poem written by him to her. Its unbelievable right now. I was doing pretty good until today, I am so down right now!
Read Kevin's thread -- and do the opposite of what he's done.
DW, I agree.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
