After 8+months of limbo and 5+months of me being out of the house, W dropped another bomb yesterday in MC saying she is finished and doesn't want to be married to me anymore because she cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel and it has been 8 months already. She would not say that she wanted a divorce or that she was going to do that anytime soon, although she didn't say she wasn't either.
Needless to say, I am pretty devastated at the moment but I am not giving up hope and I am going to work tirelessly on myself to make myself better and more appealing either to her or someone else, but I desperately would rather it be option #1. I still love my W and want us to be a family, but I **HAVE** to learn to detach. I went back to our MC today by myself (W has one on Mon) to discuss what happened yesterday and where do I go from here. I told her that I am not giving up hope and that I will continue to pursue keeping the marriage alive, but that I will do that mainly by trying to better myself. She agreed with me and applauded me for saying this and that she will help keep me accountable and directed on that path.
Can anyone out there (puppy, 25, cg, sandi, anyone) give me some advice and some support on making it through this? My hope is still alive, but it took a major blow yesterday!
LR, What kind of MC were you seeing? Personally, I don't think MC does much good when one of the people wants out - since I think the sessions often magnify issues...
I'm not too familiar with your sitch - but I would suggest that you do more than just try to reach a point of detachment - think of detaching more as a process, whereby you slowly start to find yourself more and more - and learn more about why it was you needed the person you had found in your W. Some of those things will be good, but some of the things you see will also point you in the right directions in terms of what you have to work on for yourself.
Is there an OM?
I figure you've already read the DB/DR books -and I think it's a good time to reread them - and to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you have to feel. If it's sorrow - allow yourself to feel it and process it - if it's fear - try to figure out what you're afraid of - and see if you can find a way to let go of that fear - which often involves strengthening your belief that you will be all right no matter what happens. I would also highly recommend you read the article about Letting Go at divorceasfriends dot com.
One thing I can say, after having been here for over a year, is that your W's word in MC are pretty standard - and when you hear her say things like that it's sometimes like you're just hearing a person in turmoil thinking aloud - the words might sound like they're said with conviction - but there's often a lot more questioning going on than one might think - which is also why it's so vital to step out of the WAS's drama - to allow your W the space she needs to process what she has to process, while you allow yourself the tranquility you need to rediscover yourself - and to know, with more assurance, that you'll be all right no matter what.
BTW...something you wrote really jumped out at me - "I am going to work tirelessly on myself to make myself better and more appealing either to her or someone else" - I think that approach might put you on the wrong path...don't worry about being more appealing to her or someone else right now - focus on making right with yourself - so that you have a healthy kind of love for who you are - achieving that kind of healthy love for oneself will make you more appealing to others - without making you subject to your needs or expectations of another person (which never makes for a healthy relationship).
Wow, thank you for your words of encouragement. We have been seeing the MC since March and since that time she has gone from "wanting to want to" to this. And yes there is/was an OM. He was a guy from my kids school that became a family friend and more. She swears it was nothing physical and she was emotionally connected to him due to lack of that to me. She also says that problems in our M have nothing to do with OM, and while I do agree that we had some problems with my temper (which now is very under control, I don't lash out verbally ever anymore) and my lack of deep emotional connection, we did have good times (lots of them) and it wasn't until he came into the picture that she really changed her personality and everything towards me and her family. This OM did work for the family business but now he is gone and still doesn't have a job after about 4 months. He is also the basketball coach for my D's team which really makes things awkward and bad. I think that she definitely still has feelings for him and that is in part fueling this separation with me.
I will go back and reread the books, its been since January that I read them and a lot has happened in that time. I never really grasped the concepts and didn't give the space she needed.
I am hoping that this is just script and that she will not go out and get a lawyer and file right away. I don't think she will do that, but I didn't think she would ever get with anyone else either.
When I wrote the working tirelessly on myself, I mean that in the best way possible. I need and want to do this for myself and if it helps to soften my W's heart then that is just a bonus. But that is definitely what I want to happen eventually and if it doesn't then I will have to reevaluate what I want in life if she will not be apart of it. I try not to think about those things, but after yesterday it seems like I should think of that possibility now.
Thank you again for posting and I hope you will keep up with me in the future because I definitely need it.
DW, I have been following Kevin's thread for a long time now and have learned a lot from all of the help and attention he has been receiving. I actually went to Dallas and had dinner with him and we had a good long talk. Thank you for coming over here and posting your reply. Please keep coming back!!