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I seriously doubt your W is looking for you to "save" her from her actions. Personally, I think the best way you can "save" her is to establish the boundary of what you will not accept and that if she goes to OM, then she's made HER choice. It doesn't have to be YOUR choice.

If she goes on the trip and you have told her that it goes over your boundary and she rubs it in your face, then I would nicely pack her things up and leave them out in the driveway for her when she returns.

You mentioned that your financial sitch was harsh, so let her fend for herself. It's what she wanted any way right?

All you're doing is accepting what you want to accept.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Stuck,

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm not so sure my W wants to be saved either. Still working through my various options regarding the upcoming trip.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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There was a word you used that jumped out to me that said you did not need to go there to try to be her "knight" was when you said.....disgust. If that describes your W's feelings toward you, then I say you need to stay as far away from her as you possibly can. Disgust is not a good thing for a woman to feel about her H. That means she is very, very turned off by ANYTHING he does. So save your self-respect and not go there in August b/c whatever you do to interfer......I think it would only result in her pressing closer to the OM. Perhaps the men see it differently, but that is how I'm seeing it from the W's POV. When you used that adjective to describe her.....that told me all I needed to know.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Also, please don't let her see you reading any more books about M or women. It simply works in giving her a more intense turned-off feeling toward you. Your goal is to cause her to feel more attracted to you.......not repulsed, and I am getting that picture of her--in this latest post you sent. Bet you didn't realize that "one" word....(disgust).....would lead to this, did ya?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Quote:
There was a word you used that jumped out to me that said you did not need to go there to try to be her "knight" was when you said.....disgust. If that describes your W's feelings toward you, then I say you need to stay as far away from her as you possibly can. Disgust is not a good thing for a woman to feel about her H. That means she is very, very turned off by ANYTHING he does. So save your self-respect and not go there in August b/c whatever you do to interfer......I think it would only result in her pressing closer to the OM. Perhaps the men see it differently, but that is how I'm seeing it from the W's POV. When you used that adjective to describe her.....that told me all I needed to know.


Sandi,

This phone call was the only time where my W was what I would call "disgusted" with me- mildly disgusted at that. There have been two other times during our sitch where my W has actually been openly angry with me, one time during an R talk when she felt I was coming on strong during the conversation (looking back I was) and another time when I was openly ridiculing OM- she actually called me an a$$hole- something my W has never done to me before.

I'm really vacillating between doing something and nothing in regards to the August trip. Right now the benefits I see to crashing the trip include putting a damper on any potential sexual contact between my W and OM if not "busting" the A altogether, showing up at chicken$h*t OM's house for a surprise visit and surprising my kids- not to mention my W- with a visit from Dad. On the other hand, the drawbacks could include pushing my W closer to OM or not allowing her sufficient opportunity to perhaps "see" OM for what he really is (chance of that happening slim to none) along with negatively impacting either my self-respect.... something that I am giving increasing consideration to.

BTW, I may have mentioned in a prior post that it appears that it is my W who is pursuing OM more aggressively than the other way around. Don't know if that might make a difference in whether I should stay or go.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Quote:
Also, please don't let her see you reading any more books about M or women. It simply works in giving her a more intense turned-off feeling toward you. Your goal is to cause her to feel more attracted to you.......not repulsed, and I am getting that picture of her--in this latest post you sent. Bet you didn't realize that "one" word....(disgust).....would lead to this, did ya?


Sandi,

In the course of our sitch i've learned to accept the fact that in my W's eyes I can't do anything right so I don't openly try. I go to the gym every day so I'm looking real good physically. Bought new clothes that look and fit great. Keeping well groomed, clean and smelling good every day. Laid back, easy going and friendly, just not overly gushing and bubbly. I'm calm, relaxed and under control. There are some things that I do privately- like talk with friends on the phone- that may keep my W guessing from time to time.

I've never actively gone out of my way to share with my W what I'm reading- the other day she made a point to look at what I was reading ("Walk Out Woman"). What do you think I should read in front of my W that would appeal to her?


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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What do you think I should read in front of my W that would appeal to her?


There is nothing that will appeal to her. But it adds fuel to the fire when she sees you reading any material on MR or women....anything like that p*sses her off.

The more I think about the trip in August, the more I think you should NOT go b/c I think she will run to stand by OM's side instead of yours. I would hate for your kids to be anywhere around the two of you with that drama going on. I think if she gets to see with her own eyes just how sorry this OM is, then that would be nuch better than you helping him to look like the victum.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Sandi,

I may catch some flack from my fellow LBHs on this, but the more I think about it the more inclined I am to not go nor "crash" the trip the following weekend with a surprise visit. Aside from the other drawbacks mentioned before, it is not dignified and is an act of desperation.

I have to confess that I'm starting to really appreciate myself again like I did when I was single. I've always been a pretty modest person but the fact of the matter is that I'm a damn good catch... and there are plenty of women who would love to have my W's "problem" (me) should my W decide to toss me in the trash for that bum OM.

I love my W deeply and am committed to her and my family. I absolutely want our M to succeed. I am committed towards succeeding in making those positive changes I need to make to become an even better man and H than I already am. Yet the longer this sitch goes on the more inclined I find myself not interested in compromising my standards and self respect. I don't know if that is part of detachment or just me slowly getting fed up with the abuse...


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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laugh THERE YOU GO BIG JOHN!!

You really gave me a big smile when I read that last post! Now, I feel that you are getting to the place you emotionally drop the rope and focus on you getting a life instead of keeping the spotlight on her all the time.

So many people do not understand the concept of dropping the rope. I hope you do. You seem to have what you need, now, in order to turn lose of that emotional rope you’ve clung to trying to keep her from OM, and pulling hard trying to bring her back to you. When you let go, then the ball is in her court and anything she does will be her choice and not b/c you’ve pressured her in any way. So, when she comes back wanting you to take her back, you will find out if she’s ready to go to “work” at having a brand new MR and not pick up where it was left.

Speaking of a new MR, as I’ve told you before, it takes time for a WAW to get over an EA. When she gets the rug pulled out from under her from OM, she will still need some time to get all of that out of her system and be able to think about making a life with her H. I hope OM does show her what type of person he is before anything physical happens, but anyway….if she can get her eyes open and see the truth, then it will be so much better in the end. She won’t keep hanging on to the fantasy! That’s the good thing about OM ruining himself instead of you charging in on your white horse to stop her having a PA. It would be funny if OM had another another woman there when your W went to see him. Let’s just pray that will do her fantasy days up and that she won’t be the kind of WAW who immediately begins looking for some other man…..to fall in love with!

What I’m saying is that when she comes back from Atlanta, and even if she is ready to run back into your arms, I would stronly suggest you tell her that you feel that the two of you need some work before plunging back into the R too quickly. It hasn’t been “quick” for you. But, she doesn’t need to be jumping from one R to the other…..if she gets dumped by OM. She needs to get OM out of her system before being a W to you. That is my opinion. I don’t think she’s in love with him….by a long shot, but it’s all those lofty dreams of the “grass is greener” that she needs to see.

So glad you are feeling good about yourself. You are right BJ…..any woman would be lucky to go out with you. Keep up the great PMA.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Sandi,

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I do think that I'm starting to get to where I need to be in order to weather the storm. Not that I have ever been one to lack self confidence or optimism, but detachment is such a different feeling- I've never experienced something like this before.

Anyways, a little update on my sitch. My W left today for a week long church camp for women so it's just me and the kids. My W participates every year so it's tradition and the kids and I get along great while my W is gone. It's always a pretty spiritual week for the women up at camp, so it will be interesting to see what effect it has on my W if any upon her return... but I'm not holding my breath. One good thing is that there is no telephone service or cell phone reception where the camp is located, so no contact with OM unless my W drives into town for supplies, which is a possibility. Once she returns from camp, she is home one week before leaving for her out of state trip to see her family (and OM).

I don't think I mentioned this before, but our 17 year anniversary date falls within the middle of her vacation and I'm not sure exactly how I should handle that. I've thought of giving her a happy anniversary card before she leaves- I don't expect one from her- but I'm wondering if that might be provocative. It has also been suggested to me that I do give her a card and enclose a heartfelt letter with it but I'm thinking that may too much.

One thing that a couple of people have suggested to me is to make one, possibly two statements to my W shortly before she leaves for her trip in August. No further discussion- just one or two statements. The first statement to my W would be to tell her that I don't know for certain whether I would be able to reconcile with her if she has sex with OM. The second suggested statement- made in conjunction with the first- would be to tell my W that if she either contracts an STD and/or becomes pregnant by OM, it will definitely end our M. (Both of these statements are true BTW.) Sandi, what do you think about this idea? I'm considering it because although my W very likely knows my feelings already, I want to make sure that she understands my position without a doubt. I do NOT want my W misinterpreting my detachment as me completely "giving up" on our M... and I have a suspicion that this is how she may be reading me right now. On the other hand, I don't want such a statement/s to come across as either a "dare" to my W or given her screwball condition, confirmation to her of how best to go about getting me to file for D- instead of her. What do you think?


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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