Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 25 1 2 3 4 5 24 25
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
She is not now, and has only been focused on herself for the past 8 months or so. For the past 2 months or so, I have just left her to do the things she wants to do, and working on GAL for me.

For me, that means 4 hours a day of commute time, supporting her financially while she goes through this. She doesn't have anything to worry about but herself, and helping with my D8, and her saying it's just over for 8+months is leading me to try and focus on what I need.

I really have been leaning towards moving on, and getting a place closer to work, that will mean dealing with my D8's emotions, she will be devastated.

My W will either succeed or fail without me around, truthfully, I hope she fails at least a bit, to show her that it was not as bad as she says it was. I am sure that seems mean, but I don't know what else to do at this point..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Why financially support her wishes to move on?


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
No, that's not what I would be doing. I am supporting her financially now, while living at home. We discussed the D, and if/when I decide to move on, I am planning on moving to just giving her the financial support I am required by our agreement, and transfer the house stuff to her.

I would like to get agreement on selling our home, then truly she will be responsible for moving out, and dealing with her own finances.

Right now, with me dealing with everything financially, and family, car and house maintenance, etc, I just feel I am enabling her detachment from the family, she truly has nothing to worry about from that, other than when to schedule her next hair cut, waxing, gym class, etc..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
Some days, I don't know what to expect anymore, but I am focusing on what I want to make me happy.. For some reason, I think I have been getting better at detaching, and have been in somewhat better mood around her lately. I kind of took the pressure off myself lately, and have taken a couple days to just chill, and not worry about the M, the D, finances, etc.

So, Friday night, I had to work late unexpectedly until 2:30 am and didn't get home until 4am. I know putting the car in the garage at that time woke up my W, but nothing I could do about it.

I heard her get up to go get coffee, and knowing I was going to be tired, ran to stop her for a second, first I sincerely apologized for coming home so late and waking her up, but that it was due to work, and could she bring me a cup of coffee as well. She agreed.

After she came back, we wound up talking a bit, and these last few days I have been complimenting her on the way she looks, etc, but I have been sincerely doing so, not from what I think she wants to hear or anything. We joked about a couple things as well. I then went out to mow the lawn, and she came out around lunch time and asked if I would like a grilled cheese sandwich, and called me in when it was ready.

I thanked her for cooking, and we actually ate together on the deck in the nice weather, and passed some pleasant conversation. I then went back to finish mowing the lawn. She came out shortly after and asked if I wanted another cup of coffee, and I said you bet, and joked about how tired I was from work the night before..

When she came back with that coffee, I happened to be near the driveway mowing, and I gave her a big smile as she drove in, she did the biggest head doubletake when she noticed, and smiled back at me I have ever seen her do. That right there just made my whole weekend, but I realized that I had been smiling at her because I wanted to, not thinking about what kind of reaction I would get..

When she brought over the coffee, she had also stopped and gotten some cupcakes, and asked me back to the deck to eat a chocolate cupcake and have coffee. We again had some decent conversation and coffee/cupcakes and I finished up the yard work later.

An few hours later, I had been bantering with my W about her new breasts and how good they looked, (Which they really do, despite my really feeling jealous when I found out about them, and having a real hard time when she got the surgery) and after her shower she let me see and then even feel them. I played up a bit during that for about 1/2 hour in a sexual way, and she showed a couple signs of being interested, but then said no way were we going to have sex, so I completely dropped it and went and did other things, including getting ready to go out for the night.

I left a couple hours later, just going out for the night, not even telling her what I was doing. Oddly, during the whole day, I had been doing these things for myself, and not worried about how my W would react, nor what she was doing. Sunday morning, she cooked breakfast for both of us as well, and then she left for the day, and I sincerely told her to have a nice day.

I felt somewhat at peace the whole weekend, knowing that I would be fine with or without her.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Yeah, it comes and goes like that, the longer things tread, the less it goes.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
Another thing, I took our D8 out to dinner last night, and got home after the STBXW (I need to keep calling her that, rather than just my W) was home from her day out.

Later, the STBXW watched TV downstairs with me, something she has not done in a while, and when I got up to get something to drink, she made a point to ask me why I was wearing the shirt I had been wearing and didn't I hate that shirt, and she thought I had thrown it out. I believe it's a shirt she got me, but I had not liked the way it looked on me when I was 25 pounds heavier than I am now, but never hated the shirt. Why the heck does she even care what shirt I was wearing?


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Because it's something you wouldn't have worn before? Part of the 'bcoming mysterious'.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
Yeh, I had not done that as any kind of test or to see her reaction. I was genuinely surprised when she said something, I realizing that she had noticed something about me at all..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 169
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 169
Hey IWITW,

I had forgotten how similar our sitchs were. Holy crap!

Dude, my only question is where will d8 live and with whom? I didn't read everything but it sounds like maybe d8 will live with your W?

Your L's advice seems sound but how far will you be from d8 once you find a place closer to work?

I'm getting similar advice from my L, i.e. provide sufficient equity so that the monthly support payments are as low as possible. It seems counter intuitive to me as well because it feels like I'm rescuing her, i.e. if she can't afford to buy a different house then the consequence is she'll have to rent. But maybe there is wisdom in this approach that I'm not appreciating.

Cabbr


M:49, W:47
M:22,T:23
S9, S6
W probable MLC
Bomb: 4/09
In-house separation and
Separate bedrooms since 4/09
EA busted: 7/09
W filed: 7/09
Kids unaware of D filing
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
The only thing clear for me for sure, is that you love your d, and your stbxw is noticing lots more than you thought she was. So keep up the mystery and GAL as much as possible. I wrote to someone else what I thought it took to get through all this and so, I'm pasting it here.

Don't know where you are emotionally today, but take what you can from my words and leave the rest. I think detaching and fearing it, DOES make sense to me in that you fear you won't care anymore and you want to still care. But reconciliation can happen even if you actually divorce and move on....if you remain civil to each other and improve as people and co-parent...who knows? I have 2 relatives who div and remarried their exes and both couples said the 2nd time around was better.

But if your w continues to be selfish it is natural and healthy for you to feel differently about her. Frankly, if she doesn't love you back, or treat you right, I think it's UNhealthy to pretend things are the same and to go on "loving her unconditionally"...you can love who she was and what she did for you --mother to your kids and the good times you did have--but if she's "gone"...then she's gone.....if she comes back, then we'll see.

Here goes and good luck,
What Worked For Me

I think it's so important that we say something about our stories and what we think helped the most for our m's to reconcile and last.

As my signature says, I consider my M restored and finally can say "D busted". Not perfectly fine by a long shot, but we are closer than we've been in a decade and I think we're on our way to having what we once had, a really good M.

If you had asked me 3 years ago, or 2, I would not have said we'd be married today. I'd have given us a 10% chance of staying M.

After piecing for nearly 2 years, we attended Retrovaille, Not b/c we thought we were failing at the piecing so much as wanting to be "done" with it, if you know what I mean. Even though no M is ever "done" and we are always works in progress, we needed a boost. And so when we attended Retrovaille, we found that we were able to reconnect more fully without the past looming over so much. It helped us a lot. Gave us the boost to the finish line, so to speak. But getting to the point where you can even consider going to Retrovaille was the real struggle.

But the main thing that turned my situation around in the first place and that would enable us to go to Retrovaille, was my own DBing. Detaching, GAL, etc
Letting go, focusing on positives in each other, helped us get back together - keeping that up and then choosing forgiveness is what enabled us to stay together. Neither of these was or is easy. I didn't know how.

When H actually left us for a JOB ('adventure") up in the wilds of Alaska... (crazy as it sounds, it was what it was, even though it's not how he saw it then). For me may as well have called "Alaska" "Alicia" or OW...b/c that's how it felt....but anyhow, he left.

When he was contemplating it, I did the pleading and arguing and if I say so myself, I had a compelling argument that I think would have won a case in front of the Supreme Court. But to H, it was all for naught. He could not hear me. Or he would not. Doesn't matter. He didn't/couldn't hear so... whatever.

I let him go. To put it bluntly, what choice does the LBSer really have when a spouse wants to go? Hard as it is to admit...we really don't have any choice except how we'll treat their departure. They leave, and then we react. At some point, our lives have to be about our actions, not our reactions.
All we control is us.
That was it for me. I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and did not want my kids to see a bitter or sad woman all the time. I did not want to be a model for victimhood OR revenge.

So I began to see H's departure as mainly a loss for him, less so for me and the kids. We had each other, after all. (And if he had taken the kids as some WAWs are able to do, I'd have made sure I got half time with my kids. And I'd fill it with good full living). I felt that at some point, whether H was lonely or not, I would not be lonely. I would fill my life with real living, and not waiting. And so I began to GAL. I started making choices I wanted to make without regard to H's career or feelings b/c after all, he was gone. It started small, with things like seeing chick flicks b/c H was not around so who cares if he'd like the movie? Not about him, not at all. No more toilet seat left up either...(hey I said start small...)

I saw some positives from this separation for the first time. I really started to embrace those positives. (H noticed this, although I did not know it at the time). For our anniversary I knew I didn't want to be alone so I chose to take a trip with the kids that I would have preferred to go on with H but alas, since he was not available, we had to go without him. Just before departure he said he wanted to go but it was too late for that. Honestly. So off I went with our children. And we had a blast (We went to Italy, but any wished for trip would have helped me accomplish the same thing; enjoying life as a family even when one member isn't around. We had been in the military and knew lots of families who had fun together even when a member is away....we can all do this and must.)

Unbeknownst to me, h noticed this and ached for our company. While we were learning and seeing so much in a totally new place, I didn't think much of h b/c there were no reminders of him, and it was so stimulating, as new places and new activities are. (Hence the suggestion to go on a trip if it is at all possible). It was very healing for us. I did not do this for attention from H and in fact would have preferred he not know of the trip and resent it. (Which I think he did, but that was not my problem....) I took the trip b/c I had longed to go there for years and had put it off until h was ready...well, no matter now! I was ready and I went with some of my fav people; our children.

I think you get the point. There comes a time when you decide you have to LIVE NOW, and you can't keep waiting and checking on the WAS or taking their temperature, or wondering what it might be. You have to let them go. Sometimes they come back and then you have the real work to do. I think the chances of their return increase when you let go and I feel that strongly.

But paradoxically, you have to really let them go for this to work and you have to NOT care if they come back, in order for this to work.

So it ends up that you let them go so you can be happy without them and then either 1) they do not come back and you'll have GAL and moved along into your future that much faster, OR 2) they will come back b/c you let them go.

This is why I cannot understand the long term pursuit of a WAS by an LBSer. It does not work. I do get why it happens at first; we all do it. We argue and plead and whine and nag and cajole and yell and explain and talk and talk and talk....

Then if we are lucky, we find DB. If we find DB, we may start to think, "what I was doing isn't really working, is it? So maybe I should try something else", and we begin the 180's - that mainly consist of GAL for us. No more excuses, no more waiting or praying for patience but really just waiting, and no more just hoping and NOT changing ourselves or taking charge of our lives b/c no one else will take charge of it! Also saw that I was a fun person, still attractive and still smart and funny, and in sum, I was/am a good catch. I began to picture my life as a single woman in a positive light. Hard at first but I knew widows who were eventually happy, so why not me? Always projected upbeat attitude around H and saw his departure as a mistake on his end but kept it to myself, and accepted it as a mistake he seemed destined to make so I looked at it with resignation but fortitude, knowing I would be fine no matter what his sitch was.

And when I pictured my life without him but made sure to picture it happy, the more detailed the picture, the better I felt. Me happily pursuing my career goals, spending time with my children and my friends and family and meeting new people and having a good life on my own. Doing new activites became a real goal of mine. I became happy again. Tell you the truth, there were down sides to being married that I had to weigh when H wanted us to reconcile. So we have improved those things and continue to work on them.

No more victim stuff, no more "making sure WAS knows how much pain I'm in b/c otherwise their guilt might not make them come back" and being blind to the fact that pity is not attractive, and will never get a WAS to come back and stay. Ever..... It just won't. If it did, it would only take a week for it to work.

And Being attractive/attracting, is a byproduct of GAL and true Detachment....letting go and not wearing our "purple heart" for our wounds, on our sleeves. Not making sure our WAS's know good and well what pain they've inflicted...and how much guilt is on them....why? B/C it does not work!
Decide if you want to be "right" or you want to be happy. Too many LBSers, (and I was one of them) do not know how to forgive someone. I never saw it growing up. But those who quote scripture to get their WAS back rarely succeed and as I said, guilt won't get them to stay...even if it temporarily gets them back. Frankly it seems to send most of them running faster and farther away. And in the end, if you want them to come back b/c they're healthy and want to restore the M in a full way, the guilt has to go. Is it "just"? Who knows? Is forgiveness fair? I mean it IS essential to the well being of a marriage but I see a lot of LBSers who hold onto their resentment for a long time and then they wonder why the piecing did not work. At Retrovaille my h suddenly cried about the pain he inflicted on us and the damage to the "Rs he has with our d's and I cried for him. But when I told a gf of mine this small story she asked me if I "reminded him of all the hurt he had caused" and I was agape. She didn't "get it". She thought I should rub salt in his wounds and I can only wonder how many LBSers are like that. Good God, what is the goal? If it's suffering you want the WAS to feel, then sue them for div and take them to the cleaners...but if you want a happy m, then let your pain go. You are the one holding onto it ( I'm not directing this at you personally, hope that's clear....)

Anyhow, I thought I'd post this so that people know there are couples who make it - Even through this DB experience. (See BrandNewDay, faithfulH, sandi2 and saffie (or safflie sp?) as well for they also reconciled.
Hope this helps.

j-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Page 3 of 25 1 2 3 4 5 24 25

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard