I posted this in Newcomers as well. But thought I might get Sandi faster.
I have been D'Bing for about 4 months now. W is a WAW, but hasn't left yet. 98% sure no A. W is in IC, seems to be getting better. I consistantly 180, do something different, and work more and more on GAL. It's hard to do a lot of this with 2 small D's in the house.
One of the issues in the past has been communication. Horrible at it. It seems that the more I learn about myself and sitch the better I am at communicating and building confidence in myself.
However, the more we talk the more R talk comes up. The other night she said she talked to a D lawyer and that we need to start talking about moving forward with a D. I told her that I do not want a D and that I would not fight her anymore about anything. She has brought it up two more times in the last few days and find myself saying the same things even though she wants to talk more and more about it. My biggest issue was running from problems and retreating and not talking about problems in the past.
What do I need to do? If I continue talking about it, I'm afraid it will escalate. But if I stop talking about it, she might see me as retreating as my old self.
I'm not Sandi but thought I'd offer a thought while you wait for her.
Why can't you talk about it without feeling like you have to repeatedly tell her it's not what you want? If she's the one bringing it up then let her do the talking address what needs addressing. Don't live in fear that if you accept the d it will happen. Sometimes accepting it (doesn't mean you have to like it you just stop fighting it) can stop it from happening.
You might have to just tell her when she gets into that mode (listen to her though..) but if its the same old R talk as the R talk the night(s) before "hey I get it" and walk away or say "I understand .. *nod* well I gotta run I have plans". You are definitely in a place to be less available. She knows you don't want a divorce but right now you don't have too much time for someone who doesn't want to work on their marriage. She has to see that. Sometimes she will try to get in a last word or say something to grab your attention when you do that but just say bye and go about your business. It's pursuing on her part actually.
Thanks guys. I posted this in newbies and WAW to try and get some different perspective. Sorry about the double post.
Just need some good insight. It's hard to tell if she is manipulating me by pursuing me more now or if she is somewhat "waking up." Her communication with me has opened up somewhat after that first conversation about the D lawyer and I didn't fight one bit. She has asked me to do a lot more recreational things with her since that first talk. She keeps saying that she is ready for me to explode or blow up when she says these things to me and doesn't understand why I haven't yet.
Two suggestions for you while you wait for Sandi to respond to you. First, please provide us with more information on your sitch along with your and your W. What are your ages? How long married? How old are your daughters?
You mentioned communication issues between you and your W- elaborate a little more on that. Sounds like there may be a recreation time issue with you and your W as well. What other issues do you have with your W? What are the 180's you are referring to? Why is there a 2% chance in your mind your W may be having an A?
I find it interesting that your W is the one repeatedly initiating these R conversations with you about "moving forward with D" despite getting the same response back from you. Why do you think that is? Is she trying to provoke you so you will "explode"? Sure sounds like that may be the case. What is in it for her if you "explode"?
If you haven't already, I'd suggest reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. It's a good book that will provide a lot of insight into your R with your W and help you pinpoint what other issues may be going on with you two.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Financial - We have sacrificed a lot for her to stay home with the kids. (Credit card bill is very high).
Grass is greener - She has always felt like she hasn't done enough with her life. She is not happy where she lives, wants to move to another place.
Does not respect me - says that I am a good person, but not good strong man or provider, feels like she has 3 kids (me being one of them).
We sweep problems things under the rug. Don't talk them out. Come back later in big arguments and never get resolved.
After the kids were born we stopped being good recreational partners. Did not go out on dates much, excuse was we were always strapped for money. This was the basis of our friendship. Watching movies together (we were both film minors in college).
Sex life was hurt after the children were born as well.
Communication bad - during the last couple of years. I travel a lot, didn't check in with her as much. Real short on the phone, etc.
She now says we were always better friends and that we both deserve better. She just wants me to be a friend and father now. She says she sees a life with her as primary custody parent with the children
180's Listening better Communicating better - Not blowing up during conversations. Working out, getting fit Taking better care of myself (health wise) Helping with housework Backing her up when she corrects the children Don't get on the computer much anymore Don't watch tv much anymore (unless with her)
I think she is baiting me. She keeps saying she is waiting for me to blow up or go into some major depression because she doesn't think that I can sustain having a good outlook on life and take the pressure of a D.
Recently she has mentioned that she doesn't know who I am anymore. She says I seem robotic. (It's just me trying to learn better to communicate through word of mouth and listen to her). She also says that I scare her sometimes when I talk to her.
You sure are placing a lot of confidence in me. I hope I won't let you down.
As you reach out to others here on the board, your support system will grow. There are many great people here who are so good to check on each other. You will find a lot of new friends. I'll not get into your thread here, since I have posted to the one in Newcomers.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi. Thanks. I'll stop on this thread too. You have already given me a ton of wisdom. There is no such thing as letting me down. You've already helped lift me up to where I need to be. Even before you answered my thread. I just knew you would have some great perspective.