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Do some research and be absolutely certain on how far you plan to go with this. Once the ball gets in motion and she has her own attorney doing the dirty work for her, it gets real ugly from there.

I thought my XW would have some common sense and realize the kids being with her would not be the best situation for anyone, emotionaly, financialy, educationaly, the whole ball of wax. But no, instead it was one lie after the other to paint me as the bad guy where the kids were concerned until I saw no point to continue on. Think the judge gave two hershey squirts about OM sitting right next to her in the court room? No, all he cared about was the best for the kids.

And now, I live the consequence of that. And all the while enduring 11 long hard months just waiting for her to wake up, which never happened.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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Thanks dday, I understand that's the case, and I am really trying to determine best course of action.

I have been thinking about trying to come up with something ammicable that I can live with, but I also feel I need to get away from this sitch for both my emotional and financial health.

For her, emotions are not really at issue here, she's detached from me.

I fear if I try and push to hard, the lawyers will tear me up, so trying to come up with some other plan first, that doesn't have me in limbo for the next 6 months..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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So today I was actually feeling pretty good, until I was starting to pay the bills this morning, and notice my D in bed sniffling. I went over to ask if something was bothering her, and she said she was sad that Mom wouldn't be with us today at my nieces b-day party, then she started to cry..

Oh god, I feel so awful now, I made sure to say it's ok to be sad, and to cry and to talk about it, and that her mom loves her very much and that I love her very much, and it is not her fault for any of this! I cried a little, but tried to hold it back for a bit, but after she went and sat with my W I had to go sit in the bathroom for a bit, this is so awful...

My W cried as well with her for a bit, but now I am angry at her. I have tried everything to keep this thing together, and nothing is good enough for her. I have not asked her for a thing for months, and let her do whatever she wants. I can't even understand this selfishness from her to just look out for what she wants now, but I also can't keep in that frame of mind, or I will just grow more bitter and resentful..

I am not even putting my thoughts on this down coherently, just need to vent for a bit. Damnit, I am so mad..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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Today has been a significant day for me, so I am writing this down to keep it in perspective.

Today I took a small stand for myself, and it went somewhat well.

For the last couple of days, I have been trying to focus on what I want in the process of the upcoming D, including what I am willing to pay for, in child care, cars, bills, etc, and had been writing it down in preparation to approach my W on it.

I had, however, been in fear of doing so, and how my W would react. Well, the L I had gone to see, sent a bill to my house, and the W picked up the mail and saw it. This morning she brought it up, and asked if I had hired a lawyer and started to attack me on everything financial that would be coming up. I told her I needed a few moments, and for her to finish up and get dressed then we would discuss it.

I took this chance, even though I was not truly ready, to go into what I wanted for this, and what I would be willing to do. Laying out what the L told me financially where we are at, and what my obligations would be. I then laid out to her what my needs for this D are, and she has agreed in principal to 90% of what I am asking to do. I was not bitter, nor angry, but explained why I was thinking this way.

Along the way, we discussed some of our R as well, and where we were. Interestingly, at one point she even asked what would things be like if we tried to reconcile. I did not go to far down that road, as we had already discussed a ton of stuff this morning, and said we have a lot to think about, so lets just take some time to do so.

We then actually hugged, and had a quick kiss on the lips, then went our own way.

I am putting this down, not because I think we can reconcile, but that I feel good for myself, standing up for what I wanted, and I feel I have a bit of respect back for myself.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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I need some insights from experienced DB'er's, I have some questions that need serious thought/action from me, and not sure of which way to go. I am working on GAL, lost 25+ pounds, and starting to go out with friends more, and do things just for me.

1) Fear of Detachment: I realize now, that I am actually afraid to detach, for fear of NOT wanting my relationship reconciled. Is that something anyone has happened to them? I have been trying to detach, but the undercurrent of fear has kept me from being able to do so, and I believe it's the case that I am afraid of what will happen after I detach????

2) Because our M is financially a 0 sum game currently, and a D will essentially be a piece of paper, and we go our separate ways, my W has said we should just live together and stay married until we clear those up, which could be 6 months to a year.

There are now 2 ways I have been looking at #2 above, and where I need some thoughts from experienced DB'ers:
- I can push for the D myself, and the above post from me when I decided what I wanted from the D and approached my W with was a start in that direction, thinking my W only wants to wait around to get more money once our investments are disposed of.

- I can try and stick it out living with her, make the changes I want to do for myself, and see if R our M is possible in the cards during that timeframe?

Since truly in my heart what I want is to R, does it make sense for me to push for D, when it's not what I want? Or am I glossing over the fact that my W is just wanting the extra money in the end?

Since I want to R, is it better I leave, and DB, or try and DB while at home?

I have not been doing well at DB'ing, but getting better now that I am trying to GAL, following some of the great advice here, etc.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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How have things been otherwise with W?


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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Right now, just cool, though we have not been around each other much due to schedules..

Although our talk the other day she had asked what things would be like if we tried to reconcile, but later that day expressed that I deserved someone who would love me like a wife truly should, and that was not her, and at one point when I was talking about finances, she exclaimed, "Fine, we'll just stay married then!" (Do I believe any of what she say? as I think she is MLC, and the WAS??? I have been told not to listen to what they say too much...)

She looks tired, more tired the last few nights than I had expected, and has put a tape player on the bed with her to listen to meditation tapes, and has been in bed the last two nights when I got home, so I have only just asked how her day was, and both times here reply was just "Alright. How was your day?" so I let it alone, and went to watch TV.

I have been sleeping elsewhere in the house, as I find it easier than trying to sleep in the same bed with her, but that's for myself, not to try and punish anyone, or anything..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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It could be something you are or aren't saying that makes her moody? Or she could just be moody from trying to figure out what to do? Or could be both or none of the above?

If things are sane for the most part, and it were me who at least has the opportunity of being in the same house during this period, I would tread slowly on the D stuff as your W seems to have mixed opinions on the subject. That's a luzury I didn't have. Also, she's not with anyone else right? I would be spending my time doing the little things that would cause her to ook around and think "meh, this isn't so bad afterall" ya know?


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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Well, I am running low on stamina..

I have not talked to my W since Saturday, but then we talked last night, I asked what it would mean for her, if she wanted to remain in the M, and her response was, she didn't know.

She was clear on that she just has no feelings for me other than wanting to be friends, and absolutely no physical attraction any more. I tried to validate everything she said, but now I just don't know what to do.

She also stated she has nothing left to give for a relationship, and if she is ever to find love again, it will just happen, and she is not going to do any work on that at all.

I feel she is deep in MLC, and I have been trying to read up on it. She is saying she can't get over that she's 40 and her whole life has been about giving to other people, and all her physical changes are about this, and how now she wants to do only the things that are for her. I tried not to defend myself, but wound up doing that a bit when she started blaming me for everything wrong in our relationship, but also tried to just validate to her what she was feeling.

Clearly I don't know what to do at this point, do I take the reigns, and just move on from this thing and let her go? I don't feel she'll ever come back to me at this point.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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When she complains of doing things for every one else, sounds like a key to me to her problems.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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