Is 6 months too long for any hope?

[Goodfight]

My husband that suffers from depression left on Nov. 6th and moved in with his father and step-mother. He filed for a no-fault divorce in the middle of Jan. When I got the papers I called him a mess then calmed down waited a couple of hours and called back and told him I will give him what he wants and he had NO clue to what I was talking about. I said the divorce and he said he didn't want it and then changed the subject really quick!!

He stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue! Thought he was just stressed due to work etc. He was snapping at me and the kids..little things and then all of a sudden left. Said it was the marriage creating his depression.

His parents do not believe in depression so they agreed. We have been married 13yrs. and they weren't in our lives with his last episode so they have NO clue. He started to take his meds. at the end of Jan. and by the end of Feb. was calling and joking around. That lasted for 2 to 3 weeks then all of a sudden back to the angry husband! Oh, by the way his parents are pushing for the divorce.

Here he admitted to me that he stopped taking the meds again saying he didn't need them and wasn't taking pills the rest of his life. At first I begged and pleaded for him to come home and then I stopped.

I purchased Divorce Busting and trying very hard not to call or anything! This weekend coming he is finally getting his own place, which my counselor said from the beginning if he would just get out of their house and be on his own he will realize what he has done! She counseled him before for his depression but now he refuses any help at all!

Me and my daughter go because we are a mess (she is 12yrs. old). My son from a previous marriage is also very bitter but he is 18 and I can't make him go. He claims he's ok but he's not. This is the only father he knows plus my in-laws and my husband don't bother with him at all since the separtation!

These are people that claim I was the best thing for him (my husband) and that they loved all of us soooo much and not even a phone call to see how we are doing!!!! They know how financially hard it is on me and the kids and also know that I have no other family! Dad passed years ago and mom is sick with brain tumors!! Not only did he leave us but so did they! I love him so much and now I'm in a deep depression and don't know where to turn or what to do!!

Then over his visit with our daughter on the weekend she came home very upset because he had my name (tatoo) removed. She wants him to come home so bad and I told her everything will be ok either way. I don't know why he had to do that or why he would do it! I understand that when depressed he is a very angry person and doesn't think clearly but this pushed me and her over the edge I think.

Then we have a hearing on May 15th because he is in contempt of court for not going to our daughter's counseling appointments and he just drops it!! Well is lawyer does!!! He didn't even go in the room!!! His step-mother did!!! He does not want to even see our daughter now!! This was his baby girl!!! How do we go on from here??? Has anyone out there had their in-laws involved in making the decisions?? I'm so scared right now!! Our family is and has fallen apart!!!

[dday101798]

To answer the title of your thread in question, 6 months is about the average time before results (indications), be postive or negative tend to begin to surface.

Lost, as I said in your other thread, and I know it may be so hard to do, but you need to take your mind off of this!!! NOW! The longer you hurt and the longer you just continue to do nothing and be consumed by it not only will be it harder on you overall, but your child!

In the beginning, when I HAD my children, I did the same, go home, sit outside and be depressed and miserable. Thinking that I was doing everyone a favor by being outside, "out of sight out of mind". Eh-eh, wrong, learned that the day I came in after doing that for weeks and both my boys were crying in the kitchen.

Hmm, wonder why I no longer have rights to anything more than every other weekend with my boys? Food for thought.

And more to chew on. For the last month and half I made great progress, letting her go, getting on with life with me and my boys as my focus. Guess what I did the last two days? Sat in the yard, miserable and depressed and just let life pass me by an dit hurt like hell. But, it didn't last long, but just goes to show, it will always linger in the back of your mind and th longer you let it consume you now, the longer it will take you to heal when you fall later on.

hope that makes some sense.

[Goodfight]

Thanks dday! I know you are right as far being consumed and that I also have to push myself but you do know how hard it is. Believe me I wish I was a stronger person, always thought I was stronger than this. I will take your advice and try my hardest to take my mind off of my problems!!!

Just wish there was a button that someone could push to stop all of the hurt and pain that me and the children are going through!!

Thanks for everything!!!

[dday101798]

Not a problem, I wish there was that "button" for all of us, unfortunately, there isn't one.

Yes, I know exactly how hard it is, but once you get rolling in a positive direction, you will pick up speed with it. just know, their will be times when you miss a shift in gears, but that is normal.

Also, after having my boys for the weekend and listening to some of their comments, let me share a revelation I JUST made re-reading this thread:

When I was in my down and out days, my boys did not want to spend much time with me (for obvious reason), and would fight over who was "going over my mom's". The more I worked on myself, the more they both wanted to spend more time with me and less with her. Now I'm not saying the goal here is to "win your child's love over and make them think less of the other parent", but rahter, the better off you are, the less your child will miss him.

guess my point is, he doesn't show and hurt or pain, not many WAW's I've heard of do, but you are displaying all these emotions and would you rather be someone who wasn't?

[Goodfight]

I understand what you are saying! Keep me posted on how you are doing also!!!

[Goodfight]

Well, there is still on contact at all!! My H sent our daughter a card for elementary graduation, (June 6) but no phone number or address! Also didn't give her anything for graduation!!

She was upset again because she can't contact him. I know he is only living a few miles away and I do have the address but he doesn't know I know it!!

His Lawyer dropped him, I guess because he made a fool out of her by not following the conditions that he would go to counseling for our daughter, and must have told her he was attending!!!

Is there anyone out there that had a WAH or WAS that was suffering from depression or anyone that could help me out with my sitch????

I hardly get any responses and I don't know why! Do I just give up on the marriage??? Is this normal for him to just push not only me away but our D and his Step-son (that he raised for 13yrs.)?

[Kalni]

Lost,
I am sorry you dont get any responses. Keep posting and journaling. Sometimes people dont know what to say, I know I dont.

Nobody can advise you to give up on your marriage unless YOU want to. What do you want to do? Have you ever talked to him about your D and her feelings, your son's also?

How about talking to the C that knows him? Could she give you some advise?
xxx
K

[dday101798]

Hi Lost,

Keep hanging in there as best you can.

As Kalni said, only YOU can determine your specific situation, only YOU know your H well enough to know whether or not he has 'checked out'.

If it helps, my opinion: If there were no infidelity involved, I would have waited decades for my XW to come back to reality. So maybe you can apply that to your situation. I now see how the death of my MIL sent my XW into a 'alternate reality', her own version of depression, but as siad, she left me and replaced my position in my children's lives with someone else and that I can not and will not ever let just ride until her 'alternate reality' crashes around her.

Hope that helps some.

[Goodfight]

Hi K and D,

I tried at first to talk to him about D and S's feelings but he said that they will be fine! That was when he first left!!!
Those words are his step-mother's words, TRUST ME!

He did go to a couple of our D's Counseling appts. and her C told him that she was depressed, sad, and suffering from anxiety but he never said anything!! Even when I told her C that his step-mother said it was her hormones and not the cause of his leaving! Our D's C said it was NOT her hormones and that this is affecting her big time and probably the same with my S!!!

When we had the hearing for contempt for him not attending the counseling sessions, drinking and driving (with D in car), and H not spending his alloted time with her he dropped all visitation and dropped his attending counseling with our D!!!

Like I said before he didn't even go into the hearing his step-mother and Lawyer did!!! Since then his lawyer dropped him I'm assuming because he was lying to her about taking his meds., going to our D's counseling etc.!!!

I mean guys how the hell do you Dbust when he has completely wiped us all out of his life for the past 7 weeks???

Dday, don't know if he has someone now or not so I guess that is why I don't know whether to wait or not!! I do want my marriage back so bad!! I love him very much!

I don't know what I would do if I was in your position! And I give you credit for not putting up with it when she does realize what she gave up and wants to come back!!! Because you never know, she might just do that!!

[mishka422]

((Lost))

I haven't commented here because I really have no idea what to say that might help. Just know, that I'm here reading and supporting you no matter what you decide to do.

As to DBing with a 100% absent spouse....it's not about your spouse. It's about you. DB for yourself. It's the GAL activities and the 180's that you do that will help you grow as a person that will bring you out the other side of this with a new attitude.