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#1787184 06/22/09 03:03 PM
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Well,

Today is the start of the work on ending my M with my W. This is what she wants, and not me, but were headed for Mediation starting today. I do not expect mediation to work, once the financials are on the table, and she sees that there is essentially 0 dollors in the kitty to divide between us, and that I am not going to go live with my parents, and pay for her to stay in our home..

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, looking at my D everyday, and knowing that my M is going to be over is just killing me.

My W has truly moved on, and I wonder if she ever was truly in love with me. I know I can't focus on that, but I can't understand how it is so easy for her just to say goodbye to everything we tried to put together for 14 years.

I also met with my L on friday, and what he told me to do is completely mind boggling to me. He is suggesting I leave the house ASAP, maybe even deed the house over to her, and then convert to only giving her child support money, and let her deal with the financials of the house, her cars, utilities, etc knowing that she most likely won't be able to maintain it for long. (I don't want the house, and need to move closer to work, so that's part of the impetus for his reasoning..)

From an Logical, and even somewhat for my emotional well being, I can clearly see what he is saying, but it goes against every core belief and thing I had thought about myself from being a good H and provider for my Family. I have been struggling with it all weekend, even though everyone I discuss it with understands what the L is suggesting completely..

I am curious, if anyone reads my Sitch here, what are your thoughts on this? Anyone ever done something like this? If I do so, it would be the hardest decision I ever make in my life, but may give control of me back to myself during this..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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If your L is telling you something.....and those around you also see the sense in what he is saying....then maybe that should tell you something.

What's the point in paying for professional advice if you ignore it?


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
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Your right, of course, and I SEE the logic in it, however, I can't get over the feeling about what that may do to me emotionally..

I need to have people continue to hit me with the 2x4 it seems, as I keep falling back into blaming myself for this, what it is going to do to my D, what is going to happen to my life, etc..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Posts: 4,896
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Originally Posted By: iwantittowork

I also met with my L on friday, and what he told me to do is completely mind boggling to me. He is suggesting I leave the house ASAP, maybe even deed the house over to her, and then convert to only giving her child support money, and let her deal with the financials of the house, her cars, utilities, etc knowing that she most likely won't be able to maintain it for long. (I don't want the house, and need to move closer to work, so that's part of the impetus for his reasoning..)

I hope you follow your L's advice. Your W has made some poor choices, and it sounds like she will have some consequences as a result. I think that's a good thing. It doesn't sound like you are trying to control her, punish her, or get revenge. Just letting the consequences for her actions occur. That's very positive in my book. Karen


Me 53
D18, S24
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Wow. Just Wow..

I can not believe what I am finding out about my W in the mediation. I am so angry and frustrated, it's hard to comprehend. She has morphed into just a money grubbing person that I do not know.

I am looking at essentially financial devastation for myself as this D progresses, we really have 0 value in assets because of the things we have done with the money I inherited, and where we are currently. From a D perspective, they say that what it really means is just a piece of paper that says we are D, and I start paying 500 per week in child support.

I also found out that she has 50k in Inheritance coming in June, she used her credit card to fund breast enhancement surgery, plans on buying a car when that check comes in, and placing the rest in retirement funds for herself. The whole time at the meeting she is claiming she can't afford the house, nor will be able to afford moving out.

Are you effin kidding me????

I put every cent of my inheritance from my grandparents into our finances, house, family, etc, and she plans on hoarding hers for herself, and wants her portion of our Assets. At this point it may be better that I essentially have effective 0 assets.

I am livid. I am calling my L.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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she's out to get all she can for herself, so do protect yourself and see the L before you do anything. Sorry this is double painful for you right now, her inheritance should count against her, hope you get a good settlement. And remember, sometimes you have to give in a little to have what you want, so make a list of everything you have/own and make sure nothing gets left behind.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
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survivor of S, MLC, A, D
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I would double check with your attorney about YOUR inheritance you put in the marriage. I think you may be able to recoup that if I remember correctly how that goes.

Otherwise, your attorney's advice is solid, get out o fthat house now and cut your losses before they increase. Is it a moral dilemma to you? Of course. But obviously on the other side of that mediation table, morals, like Elvis have left the building, food for thought.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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What a mess I have here, so, now that the cards (Read Money) are on the table, my W thinks the best thing to do is for us to 'live together' maybe in 'separate rooms' until the extra properties we have for ultimately investment purposes are sold, and there's more money when we can then sell the main house..

Gee, that sure would be nice for her now, wouldn't it? She says it doesn't bother her in the least bit that I am in the house, so long as I am cordial to her. She truly must have no feelings for me but 'friendship' as she says..

Well, here is where I stand now, and somehow it may be me that has to force this thing to closure to protect myself. That's a dilemma, as I still "feel" I should be doing what's best for my family. I still think of my W as my W, when I do not think she thinks of me as anything but the roommate in the house that's paying the bills...


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
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ok, let me ask this, who filed for D? I would imagine it wasn't you right?

If need be, I will dig back in my notes of everything I went through, and as a father protecting his rights. There is a checklist of things to do and it sounds as if your L is playing off that list. I didn't follow that list swiftly enough because I felt the same as you, family, no way ocul dthis be happening because of family.


Guess what? No where that got me? A childless out of order ATM machine making autmatic payments as required and IOU's for the rest. All the while kringing every time the phone rings as it's a bill collector for bills XW ran up in my name (minaly for her birth control to be with OM "safetly") and one turn from being homeless, with a little over a week til payday and deciding between gas or groceries.

I know it's a hard choice to make, but you need to protect your ass and that's the bottom line. If what you say she says at mediation is true, then you have nothing to protect by staying. If anything, you manning up and leaving the house may just be a slap in the face to wake up and rethink her actions.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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dday: Man, sorry to hear about your sitch, but that is precisely where I don't want to be either. I had visions of sleeping in my car eating ramen noodles heated on the engine every day, while the XW was running around in her new bikini all summer on my dime...

No one has actually filed for the D yet, she wanted to go to Mediation, then file from an agreement made through that.

Ironic that to keep myself together, I may have to go to the L and file myself, that may be the only way to keep things in my favor. Maybe that would be a wake up call to her as well, that she doesn't get to call all the shots..

I feel I am almost at the point where I need to make that call..

PS: Thanks all for your thoughts on my Sitch..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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