WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

I think this is the first 24 hours that I made it through without posting about my wife.

Although I may have cheated as my wife came over about 8:30 this morning to have breakfast with the boys and I. After breakfast we chatted about how she was feeling and her work stress and my job search. I also talked about how I wanted to buy a bar/resturant as a change of career (something I always wanted to do was to own a night club). She didn't seemed thrilled as she didn't understand it, but I just tossed it out there.

The kids played while we chatted.

Then we talked about some tactical stuff about the kids - i.e. which weeks we would send our 7 year to camp and for how many days; how to handle next week (we will meet for dinner on Tuesday nite and I'll get the kids back then)

We also talked about handling the logistics for the baseball game tomorrow we were going to go to for Father's day.

She then helped the boys make up father's day cards for me.

At that point it was getting close to lunch. I asked if she wanted to stay for lunch so she offered to teach me how to make her tuna noodle cassarole that the boys love. She went to the store to pick up what we needed (I gave her the cash) and we made it together and ate it for lunch.

While we were making lunch, I did try the compliments thing that was mentioned in Stuck's thread. I just made note of how it looked like she had lost some weight. She talked about it some of what she is trying to do to lose weight.

After lunch, she and I chatted some more. She started to complain about her back so I rubbed it a little as she rested against the kitchen island. Then she asked me to crack her back with a hug. She said it really helped, but it was still tight. So I told her to lie down on a pillow in the family room as I gave her a massage like I used to when we first started dating. She almost fell asleep while I massaged her back.

As she laid on the floor, she mentioned how worried she was about me as how I first lost the family and now the job. I told her that losing the job definitely s**ked, it didn't really faze me too much as I know what I need to do to about that. I've done it several times in the past, albeit just to find promotional opportunities, this is the first from an unemployed situation and in such a crappy economy.

I did tell her that I am not limiting my searches to any particular area, but am focusing on something in the tri-state area. I said before I made any decision, I will talk with her to let her know what was going on since it may impact the kids.

Then I tried to shift the conversation to something lighter. We talked about some funny things from when we were together (she laughed) and some funny stories about the kids. We even pulled up an old video we made of our 3 year old. The four of us really had a good laugh at that one.

It was past the time our 3 year old took his nap at that point so he started getting cranky. I said I was going to take him upstairs so I asked if she wanted to say goodbye to him. She did and the three of us waved bye to her from the window when she left around 1:30 PM

I put our 3 year down for his nap and I went to play video games with our 7 year old. After the 3 year old woke up, it finally stopped raining so the 3 of us went for a bike ride around the development (this time the 3 year old went around twice). His big brother beat him in a race but when he saww how upset the 3 year old, he let him win the second race.

Then the 3 of us played catch (baseball) and then basketball.

I had to make dinner so we went inside. Had a good dinner and played after the baths.

It was a good day.

I even wound up networking with someone who may be able to help me do some consulting work while I look for a full time job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[confusedinpa]

Well, made it through another 24 hour period without posting about my wife.

Again, I may have cheated as I spent most of the day with my wife and kids. She came over about 10:30 AM to have an early lunch before the 4 of left to go to the baseball game at 11:30 AM.

We chatted and had a beer while we made lunch. She had brought a sushi roll for the 2 of us to share as an appetizer, along with a watermellon for the boys to eat with lunch (hot dogs and chips). She also brought snacks for us to take to the baseball game.

Before we left for the game, she had the boys give me the card that she helped them make yesterday.

We drove to the game and continued to have some light conversation (joking and laughing). When we got to the game, we wound up sitting next to each other and the boys were to my right. She had gotten a text from one of her girl friends a few times during the game, but generally, we spent most of it just having a good time. We each had a couple of beers and things seemed pretty good.

It was a pretty good game (27 hits and 15 runs scored), although we lost 8 to 7.

We started driving home and she asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and the boys. I said sure and we wound up at a steak place. She and I sat next to each other in the booth until the boys started going at it with each other. I told her that I think we're going to have to seperate them so we wound up sitting opposite each other. We continued to chat and just have some pretty light/lively conversation.

It was a really good day until we got home. Then my 3 year old asked if she was going to stay. She said that they were going to her apartment and we were just dropping daddy off at home. He started freaking out and I could see our 7 year old getting upset as well as he tried to comfort his little brother. I leaned in and gave them each a big hug and kiss and told them that I will see them in a couple of days as mommy wants them to visit her apartment. I told them that they can call me tonite to say good nite if they wanted to. My wife said that they would call after they got baths.

As they drove away, the 3 of them said happy father's day, but I could see the 2 boys were still sad. Once they got of site, I couldn't take it anymore and went into the house and cried. It was a crappy way to end father's day.

I called up one of my friends (the divorced couple who are very pro find your soulmate if you aren't happy in your relationship as that's what happened to them). They invited me over as they could tell I was a wreak.

I spent about 3 hours with them. They kept harping on the fact that I need to accept that it's over and let it go. Their analogy was letting a bird go and me standing out back waiting for it to come back while I kept tossing out bird seeds and building elaborate bird houses to attract it back. They said I can't just stand out back waiting and hopping it comes back while life past me by. I need to let it go and accept that it flew away and move on with my life. (I got annoyed with that part of the discussion, but I took it that they just didn't want to see me hurting so badly).

Then the conversation shifted to what many people here have said, make the changes for me and the boys, don't do it to attract her back. So that part helped.

After that we talked about how I can't feel guilty about what I did in the past unless I consciously made the decision to neglect/hurt my wife. They both pressed me that if I didn't do it on purpose, I need to forgive myself and let it go.

Then we had an interesting discussion on whether or not my wife was acting selfishly. This is where I disagreed with them. They said that if my wife wasn't happy, she isn't acting selfishly by leaving as it wouldn't be good for the boys to see her unhappy. I wasn't sure if I really bought into that one. Is she being selfish that she gets to decide to end the marriage and break up the family because she has given up?

They both kept saying that the boys would be fine as they will adjust. I countered that I'm sure that they would be but would they be better if my my wife and I could reconcile and develop the relationship that we both want, wouldn't the boys be even better. They agreed that it would be, but said that it's not going to happen as long as it's not what she wants.

So then I said, isn't that being selfish as it's all about what she wants, not what the other people in the family want?

Curious what other people's thoughts are on this one.

We had a pretty long discussion on this one but left it as I see what they are trying to say, but I needed to mull this one over some more.

Hope people had a happy dad day!

[confusedinpa]

Just remembered one other point we had a long discussion on. My friends kept harping that I need to draw the line with my wife that we should stop doing things together with the kids. They said that us spending breakfast and lunch together at home on Sat and then lunch and dinner together on Sun while going to a baseball game is going to mess up the kids. They said to them, everytime we are together and then part ways, the kids are seeing us get divorced/separated again each time.

The four of us are suppose to have dinner together on Tuesday (I will take the boys home on Tues nite), rather than her driving out to the house on Weds AM (her suggestion).

When I asked how does that help in getting back together if we never see each other that's when they said that I need to just accept that it's over and let it go.

So, curious on other people's thoughts here.

Do I stop all contact with her so the kids don't get confused or how should I handle these little "family" functions that we get together for?

[PMA_Baby!]

Just some quick thoughts.

I didnt like the comment your WAW made about "first you lost your family now your job.." Not a good mind set for her. She now sounds more final then before. I agree with your friends about spending time as a family. I dont think that part is working for her. I think she is still "cake eating". I think she comes closer to you when you are more distant.

I also agree with you about your WAW's selfishness. It is very selfish to make a decision that you are not happy and want to walk away from the family. Some situations are bad (Abuse, infidelity, etc...) but unless the communication was there and counseling has been addressed I definitely agree S and D should be the LAST option. Unfortunately in today's INSTANT GRATIFICATION society it's sometimes the first option. Im NOT happy so it must be my marriage. First you need to look in the mirror before you blame it on something else. I think she's played the victim card for TOO long now and it's TIME you just go dark and let her finalize things if that's what she needs to do. She is definitely sending YOU mixed messages and YOUR kids. In other words "Put up or shut up..." She is just playing games IMP.

Im hoping if you give her more space she will truly see what she is doing.

PMA

[confusedinpa]

Just some quick thoughts.

I didnt like the comment your WAW made about "first you lost your family now your job.." Not a good mind set for her. She now sounds more final then before. I agree with your friends about spending time as a family. I dont think that part is working for her. I think she is still "cake eating". I think she comes closer to you when you are more distant.

I also agree with you about your WAW's selfishness. It is very selfish to make a decision that you are not happy and want to walk away from the family. Some situations are bad (Abuse, infidelity, etc...) but unless the communication was there and counseling has been addressed I definitely agree S and D should be the LAST option. Unfortunately in today's INSTANT GRATIFICATION society it's sometimes the first option. Im NOT happy so it must be my marriage. First you need to look in the mirror before you blame it on something else. I think she's played the victim card for TOO long now and it's TIME you just go dark and let her finalize things if that's what she needs to do. She is definitely sending YOU mixed messages and YOUR kids. In other words "Put up or shut up..." She is just playing games IMP.

Im hoping if you give her more space she will truly see what she is doing.

PMA

PMA_Baby!

I know my situation sounds final when hearing her words. About 3 weeks ago, she had called crying and saying the same things she had said back on 1/9/09 when she dropped the I filed for divorce bomb. She kept harping on how she does want to be my wife any more since she can't trust me with her feelings to be vulnerable with me anymore.

Up to that point, I had been trying Dark (albeit pretty poorly). I never contacted her and the only interactions we would have, she would initiate. But when we did have contact, I acted like a cold jerk because I was trying to stay dark, even when we were together.

About a week or so before that crying call, I learned that when we are together, I shouldn't remain dark. I shouldn't act needy but should act like the best CIPA I can be - warm, friendly, attentive, caring and upbeat. Up till that point, most of our interactions had been around our 3 year old's baseball game. Those games ended 3 weeks ago, just before she called crying saying that she still doesn't want to be wife.

We hadn't seen each other much for the week after that. We communicated a few times (phone, emails, text) where she initiated contact. That's when I tried to be the best CIPA I could be during those interactons. A week ago Sat, she needed someone to take her to her doctor (she was in so much pain that she couldn't drive), so I took her. On Monday, when I lost my job, we spent several hours together, but she started by saying that this didn't change anything between us.

She called Friday nite crying saying she missed the kids as I had them all week since she wasn't feeling well. The she said she was sad and didn't know what she wanted (it may have been hormone related as it was that time of the month for her). Later that Friday nite, we talked again, she had gathered herself and didn't mention anything about her comment about being sad and didn't know what she wanted. Then we spent a lot of time together this past weekend with the kids after

It was on Sat, the day before Father's day is when she had said the comment of how she was/is really worried about me as it was so much to handle, losing the family and now my job. I know she was/is worried about my depression and/or me doing something stupid.

So, for the past 3-4 weeks, I've been trying the friendly route when she calls or we're together. Soccer starts in a couple of weeks for my 7 year old so we'll be together 2 nites/week for that. I'm worried how my job loss will affect this situation. But it happened, so I just need to make the best of it.

The one silver lining is that I will get to spend a lot of time with my boys this summer.

I'll continue to give her space and hope for the best. In the mean while, I will focus on my kids and finding a job and on me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

CIPA

[PMA_Baby!]

C - Sounds like you're doing the BEST you can. Which is whats important. Just like everyone on here stresses just continue to become the BEST version of yourself you can. If she has her mind made up that SHE CANT FORGIVE the past then that is her stuff. I know I DEAL with FORGIVENESS everyday in regard to what my X did. I try FORGIVING HER everyday as well as myself. It's not always easy, but necessary. At some point she will have to realize that you can't change the past and have to do what's best for the present and future. Hopefully, she will realize staying together and working on a new R and M is what is best for all of you.

Stay strong and keep praying for patience and Love,

PMA

[confusedinpa]

Well it was a good day with some minor bizzare things.

My wife dropped our 7 year old off to me today (he doesn't have school/camp this week - trying to control cost with my job loss) and since my 3 year old still has school on Mon and Tues, it was just me and my 7 year old.

I made sure that I was showered, shaved and dressed when she dropped him off. I tried to be very upbeat and chipper. My son ran into the house and gave me a big hug with a huge smile and said he missed me (even though he had just seen me less than 12 hour ago). She made a joke of "Is this Daddy Day Care?" when I opened the door. I just laughed and smiled. Very minor chit chat before she left.

Throughout the day, my 7 year old and I had a great day. He made a comment of how it has been such a long time since it was he and daddy day (basically since his little brother was born). We did everything that he wanted to do but would normally be interfered with by his little brother so we couldn't. He generally is good natured about it, but I know it bothers him. So I basically made the entire day about him.

My wife called up mid day about some minor chit chat (i.e. she will put the pictures she took on Sunday on a memory stick for me, etc.) and did ask to talk to our 7 year old.

When my son and I were on a bike ride, I got a call from my wife asking if her mom could pick up our son about early since she wanted to visit with him. I tried to stay sounding upbeat and positive, and just said sure.

I told my son we had to start heading home as he was going to get picked up early. He started to cry saying he didn't want to go as he wanted to stay. I hugged him and said we will have another daddy tomorrow.

Her mom picked him up, and she didn't even want to come in. She stayed at arms length/distant but did offer sympathy due to my job loss. I tried to stay upbeat and positive saying that it really hasn't fazed me as it seems very minor in the entire realm of things.

Here's where the odd part comes in - around 7:00 PM, my wife calls to complain about how noisy the dryer is in her apartment. I wanted to say the one at home is really quiet, so just come on back if it's that bad, but of course I didn't. She did bring up how it sounded like our old one so I figure she knew that. I let her go on for a few minutes, listening like a friend would. Then I said that I would let her go as I know it's getting close to giving the boys their baths.

Then around 10PM tonite, she text me that it was a beautiful nite out so I should go out in our patio to enjoy it. I thought about just ignoring it, but it just seemed so odd that curiousity got the better of me. She answered and it sounded like she was crying. I asked her what was wrong? She said one of her friend's younger brother has brain cancer and doesn't sound like he will make it through the week. He is 42. So she was sad about that.

I tried to be sympathetic and after a few minutes, said that it was getting late so I should let her got to bed soon. So I said goodnite.

I've been tweaking my resume and sent it out to a few more recruiters that I've worked with before. I did call one of my friends to network on a start up opportunity, but it didn't sound like it was something I would go for.

So I'm still working on my situation, the job part and the WAW. I know what I need to do to try and find a job, I'm still clueless about the WAW.

[MrBond]

CIPA,

Sorry to hear about the ending of your Father's Day. With all due respect to your older couple friends, I think the soulmate thing is a load of BS. Anyone, any marriage can work if people work on it.

The reason why second M might seem to work better is because they gloss over alot of the issues they had before. We all know that. But oh well, that's why DR warned us about "well-meaning" friends.

You're still talking to her WAYYY too much. you've got to cut back on that. I guess when I was S, it was so much easier because my W never called. Period. She still doesn't when she's not at home.

Do I miss it? Hell ya. But I look at the fact that she's home now and I try to work on that. You haven't had that detachment happen yet.

Work on that first. Good luck on the job hunt.

Oh yeah, and I made it for 72 hours without posting.

[stillloveshim]

Dude.....keep the fight going. She's COMPLETELY falling apart. In terms of doing things with her and the kids....I say do it. But maybe cut back the amount of time you spend together as a family. Also remember as people give you advice on how to handle this situation....they don't live with the day to day and the def. won't live with the outcome. So basically, I would ignore them but in a sweet I know you care about me kind of way.
I know with the job situation this might be harder, but you need to get out more when you don't have the kids. You need to let the kids know that when you don't have them you aren't just sitting at home and no, it's not so they can go back and tell mommy, it's so they know you aren't home moping and sad. It will make them, esp. the 7 year old feel better to know, Daddy is ok and having a nice time when he is alone.
I think it's time she know that you can and will go on with your life without her. You aren't the one having break downs right now. You are the stronger one and you are in just as much control over this as she is.
And by the way....open your club. That sounds like an amazing idea. I hope you do it.

[confusedinpa]

C - Sounds like you're doing the BEST you can. Which is whats important. Just like everyone on here stresses just continue to become the BEST version of yourself you can. If she has her mind made up that SHE CANT FORGIVE the past then that is her stuff. I know I DEAL with FORGIVENESS everyday in regard to what my X did. I try FORGIVING HER everyday as well as myself. It's not always easy, but necessary. At some point she will have to realize that you can't change the past and have to do what's best for the present and future. Hopefully, she will realize staying together and working on a new R and M is what is best for all of you.

Stay strong and keep praying for patience and Love,

PMA

PMA_Baby!

Thanks for the support and encouragement.

I know she's not forgiving enough to let go of the past to trust me again. That's her choice. Ironically, the retired couple that I talked to asked if I can forgive her for what's she's done, even if she came back. I was a little taken back by the question, as I never thought that I would not forgive her. Initially I felt sorry for how much hurt she felt that she was enduring while I was plodding along in my own world fat dumb and happy that things were going great. Now, with my job loss, I'm really focusing more on that situation now and haven't spent as much time thinking about her.

Maybe this will be a good thing as it will distract/detach me from the relationship situation. Who knows.

I do hope that she sees a way to have a happy life with me. Right now, I think she's relieved to be in her own place and away from me.

Thanks again

CIPA