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i wish i would have realized what was going on 2 years ago, when protecting the finances was still an issue. i would have been able to stop the spending then most likely. i just didnt know about it. at all.

he was the most responsible person i had ever met in terms of money. or anything for that matter. i trusted him 200%, without a thought. i knew that whatever he said, was right, when it came to money and our finances. its unbelievable how someone can change so much, and hurt themselves so much, not even just me.

even last year when he thought i would mediate, i had to remind myself that at that point, he couldnt be trusted to look out for me, he wanted to leave me. and i still wanted to trust him. i have learned since then...

the only thing i can protect right now and worry about is our 401k. that is the only thing left. last year my attorney sent a letter protecting that money and will follow up again this year.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,107
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I'm very sorry about your situation. Believe it or not, none of us saw it coming....it's so very gradual that it doesn't hit us until it's full blown.

Your lawyer needs to follow up on the 401K situation and soon. Your h is really out there and may be out there for a long time. You do not want to lose everything.

Please do not beat yourself up. We all have been down that road and wish that we could have seen what was happening long before it became full blown. We actually do not realize or think about it until it's too late and they've been transported on to the Mother Ship.

Take care of yourself for that is very important.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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i would have to agree that it is very gradual. i should have known when he came home with a corvette almost 5 years ago, at the age of 25, that there was a problem starting....it just took almost another 2 years until things went haywire...

i really thought he was returning to normal, he so seemed to be. and then lost it again....


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
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someone help me down from the ledge today...

saw h today...he has been so friendly and all over me (which i shouldnt even allow)...today he wasnt, so of course it feels like im hurt all over again...

he even took a bag from the garage that he had brought home when he moved back. so that killed me too...my friend said the ow was probably on his case wondering why his stuff didnt return when he went back to her...

my son gave him a gift and a card he made at school. interesting - he put the card/picture in his desk drawer here and the cologne in his drawer too. weird right?

i know he saw i was upset and crying to myself today. i couldnt help myself, especially at this time of the month for me, more emotional.

i texted him when he left, that it is very unfair of him to be normal one day and today not even talk to me or say goodbye, that i never did anything to deserve it.

he called me to say he was sorry, that he didnt mean to not say goodbye...whatever.

why cant i let go? i should let go and i dont.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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I know it is hard
letting go is a process that will take time
sometimes ive felt I let go
only to go back and pick it up again
working thru it day by day
deciding what you want
deciding when is enough
We can let go totally and still leave room if H decides to really work on M
part of it is really making the decision to move on
sometimes painfully
I dont encourage D, but for me it was the beginning of finaaly letting go
going out trying to make new friends
church-prayer
therapy all helped
you will know what you need to do
for me at this time
my XH looks terrible
it is almost 2.5 years since bomb
he is on prescription
drugs,
living in debt and living with OW - 28- that we never met-
for me to take him back I would have to clearly see he is totaaly serious about Relationship
he would need to go to therapy or else I do nbot believe I could go back and then it is still questionable
hang in there
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Mdoodles...i feel bad for you. My H does the same thing to me. He will act one way one day or week and different the next. It confusing and such a pain to me.

Im tired of living in limboland! Letting go is hard. I feel like Im getting closer everyday. Even though deep down I dont want to let go at all.


Kissak

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3
M-37 H-37
S-10, D-15
M- 1993
First bomb- 12/23/06
Came and went too MANY times!
Gone again 10-25-10
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the problem with my situation right now is that he seems for a moment to have wanted to move forward legally. im delaying it and he has made no mention of it to me again.

but financially, i may have to do something.

i feel the same as u, i do not want to let go. at all. and i cant force myself to do it, no matter how many times people tell me to.

i just cant. not yet.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 761
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mdoodles, you are not alone.

I am in this same as you. Kissak is dealing with the same, too.

My H left me almost 4 years ago for OW. He is still with same OW. I can't let go either. I don't want to. I love him. I have built my life around him. We are 46, high school sweethearts, a 13 year old son, we own a very successful business together and have built a life together that now spans 30+ years. Let go? How? I can't find the answer.

My H filed for a D on 10/3/08 and then postponed it on January 20th for 6 months telling the judge that he wanted his marriage and to reconcile it w/i the 6 months. Well, we are now in our final 30 days. We have a court date of July 24th. H is still with OW and like you it hurts like he!!. LIKE YOU, I have maintained an intimate relationship with my H for the entire length of his MLC, OW as far as I know knows nothing about it.

My H sees us/me, makes contact with us/me on his terms not mine/ours. Yesterday was Father's Day and I had my son call H on his cell to wish him a happy day, it went straight to voicemail because H was with OW, H hasn't replied. My poor son.

I never call, text, visit H ever. I never ever ask H for anything. H can't seem to stay away for very long. At this point in time we are together 1-2 times per week and talk 2-4 times per week, all when it is his idea. H does not live at home or with OW.

SAD, HUH? How can two people end up here. My guess is one of us is selfish and it's not you or me.

My H and I are very good friends right now. We have gone from down and out and done to having rebuilt our friendship over the past 46 months. Our sex life isn't too shabby either. I want more, I want him home where he belongs. H can't make the leap. Why? Only he knows the answer. I wonder why he can't remove himself from OW's life. I worry he doesn't really want to.

Your H could be mine in behavior. All I know is it is my behavior towards H that keeps him close by. If I were different H would flee for sure. I always treat my H well. I am never confrontational. I never talk of the R and OW. H has without question used me and our home as a safe haven from the storm (aka OW) and her demands and selfish, inconsiderate, immature, needy, insecure behaviors. I feel like I am winning for the most part and then like you have days of despair and fading hope. I have days where I am so sad and lonely and I cry.

I do know what triggered my H MLC. I have actually learned a lot on this journey. I am a better person for having lived it.
I am a whole lot stronger than I was 46 months ago. I have been through he!!. I will never be the same again, if my H returns full time, we have a lot of work to do. It is a challenge I am fully prepared for, as far as H, I doubt it. I imagine I would be right where you are, looking at the crisis all over again. I do not want to go backwards. Forwards is my only plan. I will not move our D along any further than H has brought it. I will however suggest to H in July, if he is still with OW that we end the M gracefully. I can't live like this much longer. I want a H who only wants me. I am very tired and I need closure one way or another.

I disappear from the boards quite often because I find I get cynical about my sitch if I post too much. It does me good to escape from my posting. I haven't been on my thread since April 29th. I have been able to more focus on my problem and work towards a solution alone.

I wish you well.... please take care, I will watch you and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sanderika


ME48/H48MLC
T 33y
M 28y
S16
OW 8/7/05
Bomb 8/16/05
Sep 9/05
H f'd D 10/3/08
D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09
D dismissed 2/5/10
H served me D papers again 9/4/10
D dismissed 9/26/11
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Sanderika...I can see where you are ready to set a date for you to end your marriage gracefully...do you think you will be able to go through with it when it gets here?

You know Mdoodles, do you ever try to take yourself out of the pic for a min and actually see in your H what other's may see? I have tried that lately. I have tried to look at him as the man who cheated on his wife, lied repeatedly, left a long marriage and 2 beautiful kids....why on earth would someone want to be with this guy?? Its weird. I can see it. I can see what others see, but I just cant connect the two.


Kissak

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3
M-37 H-37
S-10, D-15
M- 1993
First bomb- 12/23/06
Came and went too MANY times!
Gone again 10-25-10
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
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thanks guys! do u know how good it feels to talk with people in my situation?

i do step back and see what others see. i see it on my own, but it doesnt matter, i still miss my husband and want him back.

i still look at him and see him, the man i loved since the minute i met him 10 1/2 years ago, i still see him in that same light, not tainted like i should.

sanderika, i feel oh so similar to you, especially with the business part! only our business is now closed...it is very upsetting to me.

does the ow know about u? with my situation, ow is pressing for marriage. im thinking she may not last much longer because of what she wants, although she has been around this long, who knows.

she was calling and hanging up on me as recently as last thursday night. trouble in paradise i assume? lol.

im really hurting right now, and i know u guys understand.

i dont know what to do, do i talk to him when he calls like clockwork to check in? or just let our son talk.

as if my talking or not even makes a difference...


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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