"You are moving on to a healthier, wiser, stronger and richer place for yourself."
Really? I don't believe that's a valid argument to make D more palatable in general. It may be valid in cases of planned temporary separation with intent to improve the marriage. When you've lost half your time with the precious kids and their lives are potentially messed up, the family is broken, there is so much wasted as a result of divorce? When you are deprived of half your assets including half your retirement and future earnings and your WAW is off living with or having sex with OMs? When all this is done with intent and finality and often with stupidity and an awareness of how hurtful it is? Why choose to be: (1) unhappily married or (2) divorced when there was always a much better path which the WA chose to repeatedly ignore? I don't buy the suing at all! It may be permitted by man's law but its certainly not God's law. It's a very brutal and destructive act and reflects a certain lack of respect for life and basic understanding of what marriage and family was intended to be. Sorry, I'm getting sick of this "validating" and rationalization approach. If WAW's weren't so "rewarded" for their actions they would choose the 3rd option much more frequently. People are having affairs and MLC's and doing all sorts of nonsense and are not "at fault" for it; they are actually rewarded for it. Sorry I simply do not agree with validating people who file for D for stupid or selfish reasons. Divorce is willful, state sponsored destruction!!! The best some of us can do for ourselves is forgive the WA and the legal system in order to keep our sanity. But what continues to go on remains plain wrong and there needs to be much better awareness of this.
fb2- Minus the religious segment, I really feel/have felt your post. I think we all have or we wouldn't be on this site.
But, it seems the only way to prove ourselves right and WAS wrong, would be for we LBSs to make sure that we and our children are ultra-f*cked up and miserable so that we exhibit to the WAS the destructiveness of their behavior.
I hate the idea that the kids and I thriving without H might elicit some "see I told you we'd all be better off" but the alternative is unacceptable...the freedom comes from letting them think whatever they want and do whatever they want with their own lives. That is the path that validating trains us for...in the years to come the multitude of moments that could bring us to our knees, our strength is in coping and living, loving, laughing in spite of it all.
I just don't see how I can be happy with my bitterness and judgment in my back pocket. I don't see how aging myself with cynicism and suspicion will benefit anyone (especially my children).
It sucks. If we had a way to clobber the WAS into compliance, I'm sure we would but, sadly they have free will...
As for society, I DO think we are in an exceptionally narcissistic era. Even the "enlightened" have defined happiness as tantamount to "instant self-gratification"...perhaps this is an evolutionary phase we have to go through.
"You are moving on to a healthier, wiser, stronger and richer place for yourself."
Yes, this line does sound like something fed to a WAW by an marriage counselor of the variety described in the DB chapter "When Therapy Hurts." And as you point out in your thread there seem to be many things in present society that encourage divorce. It's too bad. But the fact remains, I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is what Gandhi says: "Be the change you want to see in the world."
You're kind of preaching to the choir here. We've all been left. None of us wanted this to happen. None of us would advocate divorce (except in situations of abuse). The other side probably wouldn't advocate divorce either but they somehow beleive it's their only solution.
If I were to use the above statement myself, it wouldn't come from "divorce is a better place to be". It would come from, "I need to stop the suffering". I don't want to move on but I need to. I have to survive. Bitterness, sorrow, regret, and the whole K-Tel "It Sucks to Be Me" collection" (only $19.95 operators standing by) only continue the pain.
There are some out there who never let anger and pain go. Perhaps you know someone like this. Years, even decades later they are still consumed. They've wasted years of life and energy fighting instead of working for peace. And for what?
It's not validation: "You're right, divorce is so much better". It's: "I can't change your mind. I can only be the best me I can be. I will be the change I want to see."
---
And now a word from my sponsor:
"S/he abused me, S/he beat me, S/he defeated me, S/he robbed me,'' in those who harbor such thoughts hatred (suffering) never ceases.
"S/he abused me, S/he beat me, S/he defeated me, S/he robbed me,'' in those who do not harbor such thoughts hatred (suffering) ceases."
Buddha The Dhammapada Ch 1. Twin Verses
Last edited by orangedog; 06/20/0905:45 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"You are moving on to a healthier, wiser, stronger and richer place for yourself."
Yes, this line does sound like something fed to a WAW by an marriage counselor of the variety described in the DB chapter "When Therapy Hurts." And as you point out in your thread there seem to be many things in present society that encourage divorce. It's too bad. But the fact remains, I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is what Gandhi says: "Be the change you want to see in the world."
You're kind of preaching to the choir here. We've all been left. None of us wanted this to happen. None of us would advocate divorce (except in situations of abuse). The other side probably wouldn't advocate divorce either but they somehow beleive it's their only solution.
If I were to use the above statement myself, it wouldn't come from "divorce is a better place to be". It would come from, "I need to stop the suffering". I don't want to move on but I need to. I have to survive. Bitterness, sorrow, regret, and the whole K-Tel "It Sucks to Be Me" collection" (only $19.95 operators standing by) only continue the pain.
There are some out there who never let anger and pain go. Perhaps you know someone like this. Years, even decades later they are still consumed. They've wasted years of life and energy fighting instead of working for peace. And for what?
It's not validation: "You're right, divorce is so much better". It's: "I can't change your mind. I can only be the best me I can be. I will be the change I want to see."
---
And now a word from my sponsor:
"S/he abused me, S/he beat me, S/he defeated me, S/he robbed me,'' in those who harbor such thoughts hatred (suffering) never ceases.
"S/he abused me, S/he beat me, S/he defeated me, S/he robbed me,'' in those who do not harbor such thoughts hatred (suffering) ceases."
Buddha The Dhammapada Ch 1. Twin Verses
I think there's a world of difference between this:
Quote:
"I can't change your mind. I can only be the best me I can be. I will be the change I want to see."
and THIS:
Quote:
"You are moving on to a healthier, wiser, stronger and richer place for yourself."
I think there's a world of difference between this:
Quote:
"I can't change your mind. I can only be the best me I can be. I will be the change I want to see."
and THIS:
Quote:
"You are moving on to a healthier, wiser, stronger and richer place for yourself."
Because I think somewhere along the line someone's got a bit off-track in the interpretation department.
**this (can't change your mind) is/was said to WAS by LBS.
**THIS (moving on to better place) is/was said to LBS by another LBS. No one has proposed saying THIS to WAS, not that I can see.
So unless someone is objecting to one LBS telling another LBS that by DB'ing s/he is moving on to a better place, I'm not sure what all the controversy is about....
Far from my usual self, I'm actually rather p*ssed at WAW today. Here it is, the end of the day, the last weekend she will live in this house, with these kids, and she's managed to concoct a half-dozen reasons to be out and to be out at least half the day tomorrow. She takes the opportunity - rather gleefully, I might add - to absent herself instead of doing what is presumably (to her) the intolerably hard work of being a mother - and with me home. Is it any wonder that I question her skillset from time-to-time. But then this is typical for her - anything to be out of the house, away from the kids, and on her own, a pattern since 2004 at least.
Familiar pattern for my W for at least a few years too.
It's the last weekend with kids. Spell it out.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Oh I did. The I told her I was going to the movies after dinner. "What are you seeing?" I don't know - whatever they're showing. "Are you trying to avoid me?" No, just haven't been in a while. (pause) Avoiding you is simply an extra bennie. That way you can concentrate on those two.
I mean. Really. I'll only tolerate enabling so much.
SP- No fear mongering here but brace yourself. The actual physical departure sucks and the subsequent navigation is quite exhausting. On the upside, there is some peace and space and relief once the anticipated unthinkable has been executed...you just move into a new dimension of coping.
Every kids exchange, every interaction has an unpredictable element to it...similar to having the WAS in the house yet the sensations are different.
Hey SP, I was mostly venting my frustrations after reading page after page of this sort of hypnotic DB mantra that I quoted. That said, I see your 'sitch' is very atypical in many important respects esp. the custody and financial (these are the BIG ones) - if you were a typical LBH and the primary wage earner you would most likely have gotten the short end of the stick in these areas on top of all the emotional pain and you'd be a lot more p*ssed. And often the WAW is hostile or extremely wayward requiring a lot of court battle. On top of that I do not identify at all with your cultural, moral, family and religious views unfortunately - to each his own in this regard I guess. But other LBS's may resonate with what I've said. At any rate back to your mojo generation.
