Every year for 18 years I woke her up on her birthday rocking her while singing the entire Beatles' Birthday. I bet/hope she's gonna miss that tomorrow morning. I will.
I did...
Called her. She didn't pick up. LM.
Last edited by Gardener; 06/20/0912:37 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Welcome to the club. But you can handle it. One thing to think about: To what extent are your respective experiences of the previous divorce influencing your evaluations of the current situation? You obviously can't know what's going on in WAW's head, but based on your observations now and (I assume) her characterization of D#1 in past conversations, is she re-enacting the past? Are you? How might that affect your DB'ing?
To what extent are your respective experiences of the previous divorce influencing your evaluations of the current situation? You obviously can't know what's going on in WAW's head, but based on your observations now and (I assume) her characterization of D#1 in past conversations, is she re-enacting the past?
SP, you raise a point that exploded in my head 2 days ago!
I know the exact moment that W decided to divorce D1. I know reasons she was unhappy with H1/M1. In retrospect they now seem (to me) to have been potentially repairable, or attempt-to-repair-able at the least. But I never knew why she decided D.
I know much of why W was unhappy with me/our M. And they are all repairable/attempt-to-repair-able, IMO. But I don't know why she decided D.
So, the obvious answer to your 1st Q is YES! How does that affect my DBing? Well, I'll tell ya!... I don't know. Yet.
Re: my D1. Totally different bizzarro sitch (except for my initial pleading. Did lots of pleading.)
I'm also aware of pattern in her life of making a decision/last straw on people who have hurt her (H1, her father & mother, my mother, a friend/acquaintance or two, now me) to sever the R. Completely. Fini.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Coach, re: your "How much do you try to read into every word and action your wife makes?", I really don't anymore. I observe, but I don't try to divine anymore.
Truth In Advertising Alert: Apparently, I still do. End of Truth In advertising Alert
Workin' on it, though.....
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Yeah, I know I said last week that Sundays were gonna be NotMe Day (WAW? Not me, S/Pending D? NotME. Posting? NotMe, etc.). Yet here I am.
W called yesterday 8 hrs. after I left her Birthday Message. I didn't pick up. Called her back just now(after getting back from breakfast w/S 31 and GS 4) Chatted, I tried to get off, she kept keeping me on. She asked about getting on w/mediator or online D. I said I'd rather talk first next time we meet. She said, "well, when I come over, you're never home anymore or just on your way out or something." Told her we'd talk Tues pm. at which point I'll tell her what stilloveshim wisely suggested to me on 6/19 (You wanna do this? Fine. Do it. I'll have no active part in bringing about this D").
Will have to also tell her that house sells when we D. Enough of this "sell it in the spring, I'd like to live there one more time first" crap.
The tendency is to walk away from exchanges like this saying, "Damnit! when is all this db stuff gonna start working?!?
Give me patience, Lord and give it to me right now!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
be patient Gardener. meditate, pray, get outside. do something to take your mind off of it and and then to think more about it when you've had a chance to cool down. you'll find your way
Our weather has been very soggy, cool with occasional outbursts of sunshine. This inclement weather can adversely effect the mood, too. I know I feel as motivated as a slug in mud at times.
I was married, divorced and still live in the Nutmeg State. With mediation, it's suggested each party have their own lawyer to review the settlement. Find out if there really is a bias with the mediator. Going for an online divorce sounds like a 'we've been through this wringer before, let's get out of this financially sound' type of thinking... a practical divorce.
You asked.. when does the work of DBing stuff kick in? It's when YOU see the difference in yourself. When you find yourself growing, letting go of the little stuff, having perspective, new awarenesses. It's all about you becoming the person you're meant to be in the best possible way.
Your wife knows you didn't want the divorce and moved out anyway. How you feel hasn't changed her mind. You can tell her that she can do all the work, that you don't agree with it (something she already knows). You can say, "I know you want this, I don't agree with it but I want you to be happy." Although its counterintuitive it frees up negative energy on both your parts. She may not know what to do when you drop the rope, stop resisting. You can only do what you feel is right.
Setting your own parameters is proactive. The provision of selling the house with the divorce is a good one.. on many different levels. It's a smack in the face about the consequences of actions. The cost of selling the house (preparation, realtor fees, taxes etc) will be carried by both which is no small thing.
Good luck.. and be as nurturing to your Self as you are to your garden.
Our weather has been very soggy, cool with occasional outbursts of sunshine. This inclement weather can adversely effect the mood, too. I know I feel as motivated as a slug in mud at times.
I heard today that we've had at least some rain for 30 of the last 32 days. No wonder I'm so bummed
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
You asked.. when does the work of DBing stuff kick in? It's when YOU see the difference in yourself. When you find yourself growing, letting go of the little stuff, having perspective, new awarenesses. It's all about you becoming the person you're meant to be in the best possible way.
I am seeing differences. Wish I could keep the PMA permanent, though (haven't yet). Just having the kind of day where I have to man up and admit to myself that despite all the positives since I found this site three weeks ago, I have been consumed by this for seven months now. I'm exhausted.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
You can tell her that she can do all the work, that you don't agree with it (something she already knows). You can say, "I know you want this, I don't agree with it but I want you to be happy."
Gotcha. stillloveshim told me something similar, today. I appreciate her and your gentle/firm wording of it. I'll use that Tuesday.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
The provision of selling the house with the divorce is a good one.. on many different levels. It's a smack in the face about the consequences of actions.
Thing is, first I told her no and then reconsidered when she asked and reversed myself for selfless reasons. Both decisions were pre-db. Just hate to reverse myself again, but it's the right thing to do so I will.
Thank you, Gypsy and hugs right back atcha.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Told her we'd talk Tues pm. at which point I'll tell her what stilloveshim wisely suggested to me on 6/19 (You wanna do this? Fine. Do it. I'll have no active part in bringing about this D").