WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[The Wifey]

I appreciate you taking the time to catch up on my situation. This job loss bomb is a major distraction, but I still am trying to save my marriage.

Thanks for all your help

I had a computer issue, and that was why I hadn't been around. I will always go back and check on people I've posted to.

I was laid off a month ago. Darned if it didn't faze me in the least. If it had happened before the bomb I would most likely have been devastated. But, in the scheme of things, it didn't even compare to the bomb.

Think of it this way, you have nearly 46 weeks of unemployment you are eligible for. Granted, the money isn't as large as what you were making, but you can live on it conservatively.

The pages in the DR book refer to well-meaning family/friends and the advice you will get. Even here, people are human and don't want you to hurt any more than people in the real, non-cyber world.

The very best thing you can do to save your m is to GAL. Honestly, for a long while it will seem like you are only going through the motions because it is so hard not to focus on your W and what is going on. But truly give it your all.

I mention fishing because that has been such a high point in my life the last year. And, getting laid off at the beginning of fishing season has actually made unemployment look pretty good so far. : ) My H has even made comments about my fishing and how much I am enjoying it.

GAL will give your W the SPACE she needs in her own head. It is so important to give her that SPACE. I capitalize it to emphasize this. If the only thing she sees is you focused on how you hurt, the less she will believe that you care about how she feels.

I know that sounds strange to you. But, no spouse just wakes up one morning and decides it is a good day to get a divorce or separate. She had to get to this point. That takes time. She has feelings that maybe don't make sense to you right now, but they are her feelings.

Don't push, take a breath, step back and most of all, don't let anyone's opinion of what you should do decide for you what you should do. I know the time you've been here seems like an eternity and you want it to be all better right now.

Instead, read what the WA's write. It will help you more than anyone else's posts. GAL. Focus on your boys. Fish. Be friendly and don't answer anger with anger. Be patient. And when you need to melt down have at it. It is manly to be able to cry. Just don't share the despair with your W. Come here instead.

[The Wifey]

I have been thinking about finding a nite where I take a break from dealing with this situation nor trying to find a job or tweaking my resume. It has been sooooo long since I've just taken a minute to breath and think.

I need to count my blessing for the things I still have and not wallow on what I don't. Thanks for reminding me of that.

The first is an absolute must. How about a whole series of nights? There isn't anything you can actively do RIGHT NOW to deal with the sitch. Breath. Think. Drink coffee. Drink and adult beverage. Go see a movie. Watch a sunrise. Look at the stars. Notice the world around you.

The best way I've found to be grateful is my gratefulness journal. I can fill a whole page every day and sometimes more. There are wonderful things in your life that you just have to slow down and notice.

[Gardener]

Wifey,

I recently checked in on your sitch. Just now, I thought I'd drop back in on cofusedinpa. Your last two posts to confused did me a world of good to read...just never know who you're gonna touch...
So, thank you. Now I'm going to bed in a more hopeful mood (and you're right about the Gratefulness Journal. Mine's titled Abundances).
Thanks again.

[The Wifey]

I am glad I could help you. I have found helping and supporting other people helps me the most. Now, off to bed. I have to get up early and drive my Sis and Mother to yard sales. : )

[stillloveshim]

I think you need to remember, yes, they are kids, but they are PEOPLE with feelings. You can't really make them do certain things....it might be worse in the long run. But this is a very gray area.
TELL the kids you are going to call Mommy, so get ready to talk to her in just a second. Maybe have a topic for them to talk to her about.....the seven year old got an A on a spelling quiz, whatever it maybe. Don't ask them anymore.
I say it's a gray area because you don't need accusations that you are keeping her from speaking with Mommy.
But as for last night, no, you can't force them to do something like that because they might hurt her feelings by being honest...."I didn't want to call you but daddy made me...."
As for things seemingly going poorly right now for everyone here....I read a weird article that more couples will reconcile during the cold winter months than in the hot summer months.....the article suggested it's like crime....crime goes down in the winter because everyone is home and not out in the cold. But in the summer, you can go out and committ crimes in a more comfortable climate. In the winter you want to snuggle at home, in the summer you want to go out and enjoy the outdoors.....interesting....who really knows?
Stay strong. No more talk about divorce. CHANGE THE SUBJECT immediately. She wants to bring up the kids thinking she's the bad guy simply remind her: They are people with their own minds. Neither one of us should assume what they are thinking now or what they will think 20 years from now. then change the subject.

[confusedinpa]

TELL the kids you are going to call Mommy, so get ready to talk to her in just a second. Maybe have a topic for them to talk to her about.....the seven year old got an A on a spelling quiz, whatever it maybe. Don't ask them anymore.
I say it's a gray area because you don't need accusations that you are keeping her from speaking with Mommy.

I tried this route tonite. I asked if the boys wanted to tell mommy about the baseball game we had at home. They said sure. We called but she didn't answer. I could see my 7 year old was really upset about it - I think that's why he doesn't want to call. A few times we called, she didn't answer. I told them to just say goodnite when it was time to leave a message. Which they did.

She did call back about 15 minutes later. She said she was taking out the trash and had missed the call. The boys told her about the baseball game we had and then said goodnite. It seemed like she wanted to keep talking to them, but they weren't interested.

She asked them about making a father's day card for me. My 7 year old said that he wanted to make the card at home. She asked if they wanter her to help. He said yes. She asked me if it was ok for her to come over to help them. I said, in as upbeat and positive tone I could manage, "Sure, that wouldn't be a problem".

She then asked me what we wanted to do for lunch on Sunday before going to the baseball game. My boys suggested burgers, so she said that if I wanted to get the burgers, she could bring potato salad and fruit salad. I said only if it was her homemade potato salad. She said of course it would be. I told her that sounded great and told the boys the plan. The boys were excited as well.

Then before she hung up, she got really quiet and I could hear her crying/sobbing.

I went to my den and asked what was wrong. As she cried and sobbed, she said it has been such a long time since she had seen them and really miss them. I told her that if she wanted to see them tomorrow, she could join us for breakfast or if she wanted to take them bowling or something. She said that she would join us for breakfast if I could call her in the morning. I said only if she could bring cheese over as I was planning on making ham and cheese omlets but our 3 year old ate all the cheese tonite.

She then said that she was really sad and didn't know what she wanted and continued to cry/sob. At that point our 3 year old interupted the call. I told her I had to go, but asked her if she wanted me to call her back after I put them to bed. She said if I had a chance.

I know that was dumb, but what really is a kicker, is that I called and she didn't answer. Not sure if she's asleep or playing games or doesn't want to talk to me or what, but it's really making me mad that I fall for her sobbing/crying. I really don't know what game she is playing other than trying to see if she can still control me like others here had suggested.

I need to remember what others have said as well, just give her time and space. Patience is the key. Don't be over eager nor too cold. Balance is the critical. I'm trying to be a friend, but it's hard.

[MrBond]

CIPA,

If you want to get your mind off of your sitch, you should read the action that was going on in my thread today. Very animated and I learned alot.

[confusedinpa]

The best way I've found to be grateful is my gratefulness journal. I can fill a whole page every day and sometimes more. There are wonderful things in your life that you just have to slow down and notice.

That's a great idea - I think I'm going to start one today!

It had been a great day with my boys. My 3 year old still had school today, but I had my 7 year old with me all day. After breakfast, I hit the computer to do more job searches and more resume tweaking and networking for a couple of hours. Then he and I played video games together until lunch. Afterwards, we did the yard work together (mow the grass, pulling weeds from the flowerbeds, etc). It was hard work but during one of our water breaks, he said that he felt like a real grown up doing it. I told him how proud I was of him and how much I loved him. He just had a big grin on his face. Now that is a gratefulness moment!

Afterwards, we played some basketball and had a catch before going to pick up his little brother.

The three of us had a great game of baseball, before we decided to go for a bike ride around our development. The 3 year old rode his "big boy bike" (training wheels, not a tricycle) for the second time. Even though he couldn't keep up with his big brother, he was so proud of himself. He only went around once, but his brother went around 4 times. Each time, he would stop and the three of us would take a break and just talk. This was another huge gratefulness moment.

In the past, I wouldn't have enjoyed the moment like that. I would have just been thinking we have to hurry through the ride so we can get back home to start dinner or do the next thing. I now understand what they mean when they say its not the destination, but the journey. That is what my wife and marriage counselor had been trying to say last year. I am such a DAM for not getting it until my wife's bomb. I know it's not too late to enjoy life with this new understanding, but do regret not getting it until now because of what it had done to my marriage.

I am trying to show my wife that I'm taking life with a different outlook now. Not because of I want to do it for my wife, but because I see it's a better way of living life.

[confusedinpa]

CIPA,

If you want to get your mind off of your sitch, you should read the action that was going on in my thread today. Very animated and I learned alot.

Stuck

I have been following it - I have it on my watch list. I can't believe the traffic and all the dialog going on. There is definitely a lot of quality debate going on.

[confusedinpa]

Well she called me. She said that she missed the call as she was out in her car looking for her bluetooth headpiece.

She sounded very calm and collected (unlike earlier) so I just asked how she was doing.

She said that she was really sad and down today because she really missed the kids. She said that she was really glad that I had them since she wasn't feeling well and had so much work to do. I reminded her that she'll see them on Sunday for the father's day baseball game, but if she wanted to see them on Sat, we can still do breakfast thing or whatever. She asked me to call her in the morning for breakfast.

Then she started on about how the splitting of the time will be so much more difficult now that the transition will be at home with me (instead of school). I just told her I really hadn't given it much thought, but would be interested if she had any suggestions/thoughts. She hadn't either so I just said that we'll just have to think about it and work out something to try.

She then started complaining about work and how busy/crazy it was. After few minutes of it, I heard her yawn so I made a comment that it was getting late so I was going to let her go to bed.

So no mention of her statement of not sure of what she wants. So it sounds like she keeping herself on the Divorce train. I don't ask nor press the issue.

I still need to get myself out of this low spot that I'm in and need to make sure that while I'm doing it, that the boys will see the man that I want them to be.

Survive to thrive!