Gypsy: Wonderful post. It is as you describe. There's a lot that LBS needs to let happen. It's hard, it hurts, but it's necessary. Our success is defined as maintaining our self and our integrity as it happens.
"WAW needs to own it". Absolutely. This doesn't come from a position of spite, but we as the LBS have to allow the WAW to walk alone. The sorting out period comes with good and bad and sooner or later they must deal with all of it. If we don't fully disengage then they keep limping along using us a crutch (cake eating) and never fully evaluate.
"The One" = Whomever invented this idea did a great injustice to relationships everywhere. I don't mean to discount the deep connection and feelings of love a couple can feel because they are real. Nor do I mean to discount the notion that some personalities mix better than others. But there's nothing spiritual about it. "The One" is chosen together; is a relationship built together; is a relationship maintained together. "The One" is the one YOU open your heart to and do the work with.
Alive = '..working at CVS and driving a clunker...yet feeling better about myself' really resonated with me. I told my psy yesterday that I really have no reason to feel as good as I do. Not that I'm bungee-jumping blissful right now but I could be devastated if I chose to dwell on my sitch on paper:
- Getting sep'd and probably divorced (seems to be little difference) - Finances are a mess - My growth stocks based retirement fund is worth about $1.49 last time I checked. - Renting - Driving an older car (but it's paid off and it runs dammit! And I EARNED that "140.6" sticker the hard way.) - I still haven't figured out that ONE amazing thing in life I want to do yet.
Psy asked, "Feel a little like a college student just starting out again?" Yes, I do. Just living on my feet.
But living day to day it's fine. Most of that stuff above makes little difference in my overall happiness. Money, house, car, stuff...it's just stuff. And it will get better.
I have my health, a nice place to live, children I love, and I'm learning so much about myself everyday. I'm trying very hard to learn and live compassion, happiness, fairness, and peace, and nothing can take those away.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I've avoided the initials.. LBS, WAS.. because I feel they increase the sense of victimization, labeling and inherent fingerpointing. Yes, they left, rarely out of glee. Yes, most of us are left with a heart breaking 'duh'. "How can you leave without giving the marriage a chance??" Yet out of the wreckage comes a choice.. to wallow, to persevere, to grow.
As long as the victim mentality lingers through negative definitions, it takes away positive energy.
This was the opening gambit in a brief tel-convo with WAW last night.
"You were devastated. It was disgusting. It -- "
Wow. I disgusted you.
" -- no, okay, bad word choice. It wasn't pleasant to see, that's for sure. But now. I don't get it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."
There's no shoe. And who's to say I'm doing 'better'? I'm doing. Like Foreign Female Friend says, I'm "abling."
"I don't get that."
I'm able. I'm capable. I'm competent. I'm Taking Care of Business (with mental to @Coach).
"Yeah, you are. And, I don't know, I don't get it. It's kind of frustrating. I feel like I'm falling farther and farther behind. I'm alone, I'm lonely, I'm going to stay that way."
Nahhhh, c'mon -- look at you, yer hot! I know this is hard, but you've only got to hang on for another week. Once you're in your new place -- sheeeeeeet, you'll have 'em beating at the door. [Said in a silly sly-guy tone of voice]
"No, I won't. No one's expressed any interest in that."
I wouldn't say "no one." I'm sure Old Signore Schmuckatelli'ld be interested in that. And I'm plenty interested, you know, in "that" -- wink-wink.
"Okay, great, that's two. A sociopath and my ex-husband."
Hey now -- I'm not "ex" yet. And I'm pretty sure there's some obscure law somewhere that says I'm entitled to tap it a couple more times... [That's very crude, yes, but understand that those kinds of arcane blue laws have been a recurring topic of mutual disdain and joking for Mr. and Mrs. SP for years and years and years, so she got it as a joke.]
"Hmmm. That's probably right. And that might happen."
"(Laughing) Calm down. But why are you even interested? You've got a posse. A posse of p***y out there. How did you even know how to do it?"
Well, shucks, that's true. But do what?
Do it? You mean, "do it?" It-it? I'm not saying I [i]have done it. Of course, I'm not saying I haven't, either. The question is irrelevant. None of your beezwax. You turned "it" away.[/i]
"No, stupid, I mean, how did you meet your posse? Man, you've got sex on the brain!"
Ohhhhhh. I don't know. I was afraid of meeting women -- no, that came out wrong. I was afraid I didn't know how to meet women. Actually it was pretty easy. Sex on the brain? Of course I've got sex on the brain! Look at yourself, slinking all around the house in your slinky outfits, acting all innocent and whatnot. [In a teasing voice] Oooohhh, I just need to stretch here in my stretchy yoga top! Don't notice my lady-lumps, please! It wouldn't be appropriate! We're just not that way anymore.
"(Laughs) I didn't do that! Huh! (Pause) Well I'm not going to meet anyone. All the men I know are married."
Their wives will be falling all over themselves to set you up.
"I don't know. I think you might have been right about that whole thing about female rejection. They look at me weird."
In your imagination.
"I don't think so. Maybe they do sort of resent the fact that I'm "abandoning" my children."
40% custody isn't abandonment, take it a bit easy on yourself. We're all doing the best we can here.
"Well, still. Anyway, I didn't turn "it" away."
Sure you did. You love me but you're not in love with me. I'm a piece of sh*t. You should have dumped my a** 10 years ago. I'm worthless. [All things she said to me in the heat of rage.]
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. I was angry. Angry words. None of that is true. I'm really seeing it anew. I wasn't fair about a lot of things. I just -- (pause)"
"I don't know. Anyway."
[Dead air. SP rallies.]
So look. Once you start feeling better [WAW has been sick], you need to wake me up for some booty calls before you move out.
WAW laughs. "I'll take that under advisement."
[SP in commercial-guy voice] Limited time offer! Quantities may be limited! It's like eBay -- high demand.
"(Ruefully) Don't I know it. (Pause) I have to get back to work."
Okay. Feel better. Need me to check to see you're up in the morning?
Because you know I'll be --
"Don't say it! (Laughs) Okay, 'bye."
Power shift. Paradigm shift.
Power shifts. Paradigm shifts.
Taking Care of Business.
With respect to at @Gypsy wrote above, WAW's doing the whole Endings thing, this seems clear. But what, exactly, she's Ending -- I'm not sure there's an obvious answer to that.
But it doesn't matter. Because I'm happy today. @aliveandkicking and @traveldane are Las Mojalitas today. My new Main Men, @BTB and @Gardener are Working the Issue day-by-day. @Puppy is swinging his 2x4s. @Thinker is thinking, @orangedog is howling at the moon, @AlexEN is maintaining his mojo, @Coach is coaching, and all is right in the Divorce-Busting world this day.
You know I love your mojo (and I think it needs to be taught to others, and I'm glad to see you reaching out to some of the nubes). But sometimes it seems to me like it crosses over into "rescuing" to me.
Self-confession: I would be the world's crappiest practical joker. Because as soon as I see my "victim" squirming in the least, for only a second or two, I blurt out "KIDDING!" I just can't stand the tension. I'm the same way with people, and I frequently use humor, like you do, to diffuse or "soften" the situation.
That's a gift, and sometimes it's good.
But sometimes it doesn't allow the other person to own their own moment, and to remain there in their crucible, and figure out their own chit. I see key moments in your convos with the fetching Mrs. Smiley, where she seems close to some sort of self-awareness moment, and you always diffuse it with "softening" words or "rescuing" words.
I'm just stopping in to say - I love it. It sounds like the kind of conversation H and I would have... We used to have the same playful banter (we do sometimes now but it's much more careful since I'm thinking so hard about what/what not to say)... I hope he remembers someday that I'm probably the only female in the world he can be completely inappropriate with.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
No, Puppy, you're absolutely right. I am rescuing. Or, if not "rescuing," then certainly tossing a life-ring from the stern of my ship as it passes her in the night.
And why not? She's a fine person, all else being equal. I love her. She brought me two wonderful -- if increasingly frustrating and sassy kids (D6 was musing yesterday in the back of Dad's Urban Assault Vehicle, AKA, mini-van: I don't get it. Why does the Mommy need the Daddy if the baby is in her tummy? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!).
She's in pain. First, do no harm. All I'm offering her is an aspirin -- it's not getting at the underlying pathology.
And she knows that. So it's good.
Anyway, I can only be myself, right? Everyone else is already taken. And on a serious note, re-reading my first 3 threads, I realize now that this was one of my biggest hurdles -- I couldn't deal with a lot of the DB "method" because it seemed not to square with who I am. (Yeah, yeah, I get the whole "WAS doesn't want who LBS is 'for real'" thing, but still.....) It wasn't until I figured out that the trick is to apply, and not comply, that I started (IMO) making progress for me.