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What Puppy said ^

I, like PDT, am a "Nice Guy" to a fault...

But, F - him, any father who would offer up full custody of his kids in a settlement, not only has poor character, but should have his nad$ cut off so there is no chance of him ever fathering again.

He gives ALL dads a bad name...

... and even if he doesn't know what he signed, which I find hard to believe, that's NO excuse... It's abandonment. Period.

mdoodles, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but YOU deserve a man who respects you and your children...

BTW, Puppy, I'm almost to 4% of your posts...



Last edited by AlexEN; 06/18/09 01:09 AM.

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Originally Posted By: AlexEN


BTW, Puppy, I'm almost to 4% of your posts...





Pffffft. Rookie. wink

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the letter said "give custody to the mother", and then listed his visitation. im assuming that meant not joint custody.

he did not sign the letter, it was a 1 paragraph letter, seemed alittle odd to me.

i agree, if he is truly offering full custody, this is not a man i should want. its rather sad.

i need to fully accept and see him for what he has become.


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t:10 years
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Yes, Mdoodles, we do have to see what they have become, very sad, but true.

As far as the custody issue goes, I would not say anything to him. It might backfire on you and he may try to get it so that he has equal joint custody and does not have to pay child support. It know it's so hard not to tell them their faults sometimes, but we all know it goes in one ear and out the other, and they end up angrier, but not wiser. I have found it's better not to even waste my breath. Yes, I may get satisifaction from it. But does it open his eyes? No. Just talk to a lawyer and know your rights. Yes, you can drag your feet, but still make sure that you and your son are protected. I haven't always taken my own advice, but my eyes are now slowly opening. Believe me, some of your posts are so similar to ones I wrote, I totally understand, but please be careful.

Hugs, Yoyo




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon


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oh, i plan on saying about any of this to him. dont worry!

i already spoke to him today and didnt let on that i even got the letter.

dont they have to pay child support by law, regardless of the custody status?


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I'm sorry to hear of this too. One thought I'm having is that yes, it's awful that he is doing this just giving you custody, but on the other hand if he isn't interested in being a good dad, I mean maybe that's better. In my sitch, my H wants extra custody I think for $$$ reasons, and spends his time running or at work and leaving the kids in his apt. I mean better they truly be with a parent that's there, like you are. In time, if he's a decent guy and dad, hopefully he'll realize what he's missing out on!!! Karen


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My understanding is that in some states that if the parents share equal parenting time that child support does not have to be paid by either parent. It is up to each individual parent when they have the child.




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
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In my state I have joint leagal custody with the biological dads of my daughter (yes I said dads and neither is my H) but I have physical custody with them having visitation. They pay me child support for the girls. That may be something to ask your lawyer about to get the big picture of it all. Everyone's case is different, even people that I know in the same state, and only a lawyer can really give you the legal advice that you need on all of that.

As for him not signing the letter, I would think that he would have to sign it for it to be a legal document. Everything that I have done had to be signed by me in front of my lawyer and then filed with the court house. Perhaps this letter is one that the lawyer just sent so that your H's side can 'feel you out on your thoughts'. Your advice to yourself is great, sit on it and don't say anything. Kinda like a hand of poker, you don't let on what cards you have until it's time.

My state is a 50/50 state that splits it down the middle no matter who incurs the debt. If your married when the debt is made then it is both of your debts. I hope that your state is not like that if he has incurred too much debt on his own without your knowledge.

About the OW, let her have the loser. Sorry that is harsh but he gave up his wife, his marriage, and now sounds like he is willing to give up his child for her. Let her have him. Yes it is easier said than done, I know, but think about you and your son's future. Where do you really want to be? Happy and safe or unhappy, worried, sharing your H with the OW, and unsafe?


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he did not sign the letter, it is signed by his lawyer, it is a brief letter of basically nothing. alittle interesting. i will speak to my lawyer today, but i am still saying, do nothing.

i have my stuff prepared, proof and information prepared for when needed.

in this state, i dont think the debt is mine, either way, he doesnt want to give it to me, he knows he ran it up being with her. the cards were not in my name and i didnt know about them until i found out about everything.

in terms of child support, i know he has to pay $17 of his salary (which right now is nothing! i cant even believe it) and spousal support.

when we went down this road last year, i was getting a few thousand dollars, hard to realize he doesnt have that same job because of the store. its crazy.

i know he will find something else, just hope it pays him similar to what he was making, for my sake and my son's!

it is all so very hard, i try not to think about ow but its so hard not to. i heard she posted her profile picture with him again, she does it to annoy me, but i wont look.

i know if she gets him, he isnt the man i had, or the man she thought she had. she saw him as her american dream, and that, he he is no longer.

he was once, and that is what i hang on. i see glimpses of that man, but not consistently.


me: 31
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mdoodles,

What do YOU want now?

For me, there's been a strange turn of events.
I met with a lawyer yesterday but before H and I talked about a few things...including that he will give the marriage program a try afterall.
I am still 99% sure of divorce for us, but I was surprised.
He did sign a new lease for a place in town that is furnished and it's month to month which is what I asked him to look for so if or more likely when I leave for Virginia, he won't be paying a lot of money to break a lease.
We are going to start the marriage program again next week and have agreed to not talk about anything else for the rest of this week.
He is going to start moving his clothes to his new place this weekend when he gets the keys on Friday.
I have absolutely no idea why the change of heart as it relates to the program, but we'll see what happens. I decided to not even ask him why he wants to try it now. But I'm really not holding my breathe. I'm not even sure what I want anymore but I did make a pretty big stink about doing the program. My true hope is that we'll at least be able to figure some things out about ourselves and get along better. That's the most important thing for our son.
I am going to continue to move forward with moving back to Virginia.

In terms of OW....of course you think about her. She's this idiot in his ear promising him a more simple and relaxed life....one without a failed marriage, that he had a big part in screwing up, one without the responsiblities of a family to care for, no failed business, again mostly his fault. You and your S represent "real life" for him and he apparently sucks at real life, this other idiot, this OW is a representation of the "something" he thinks he wants, which is little to no responsibility.

So my advice: MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE, but only you has to know you haven't shut the door on H entirely. I know you've gotten some 2X4's here for still wanting to see what could happen with your H. While part of me can say you and I are both stupid, another part of me truly understands the hope. Even MWD wrote many people report even stronger marriages after working through issues that almost ended the marriage. That's not a quote but it is the exact idea.

The good news is this: You are better than OW on every level. You are strong. Look what you've lived through. You are a mother, which is an amazing accomplishment. You are taking care of business as he seems to have no idea where his own head is and seemingly even more confused about where his a$$ is. To the best of my knowledge you have never gotten in the middle of a marriage or messed with another married person. You keep your head high. You ignore her. You ignore her existence. She will become irrelevant sooner than later. And most importantly, realize this: He will regret this. Not you. There will be a day when he comes back to you and begs for you to at least forgive him and most likely wants you to take him back. That's when you'll have decisions to make mdoodles.
I agree with other posters, right now your H is making some really stupid decisions.....but I will keep hope with you, he'll figure that out sooner than later, before it's too late and you really move on, close the door here and find happiness without him.

Hang on mdoodles. More bumps ahead, but you can handle all of this. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Make some decisions on what you want, tell you H, don't be secretive like he's been and let him know, YOU are in charge of YOUR life, not him.

You just keep your head high. You can say this, which I love to say all the time "My heart and my a$$ have always been exactly where they were supposed to be. I have my dignity and my self respect because of this."

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