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Then we have drastically different definitions of "pursuing." A cake-eater will rarely get "pissed off" to friendly advances from one of his pieces of cake.

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i understand what u are saying, but i have taken many approaches with my husband and being friendly and playful is best.

and believe me, i know when to be playful and when not to be.

at the times when things between us are ugly (a few weeks ago), playful was not something i could or would do. it would have been total pressure and pursuing.

my h wants attention, wants to be needed and loved. is what he is doing right? no.

but i want him to enjoy being here and being with me. there are things that were lacking between us, on my end, especially after our son was born.

so i try to incorporate them now between us, when i see him warming up to me.

my biggest mistake was not enforcing boundaries when he was home.

that is something i must do if we do indeed work things out.

i will not allow him back home without certain things in place.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Originally Posted By: mdoodles
i understand what u are saying, but i have taken many approaches with my husband and being friendly and playful is best.


Perhaps I misunderstood. I thought this was largely what you've done in the past, and it HASN'T worked??

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for a large part of our time apart, i took the db approach well before i even know what db was. it didnt drive us to divorce, but nothing improved...then i slowly started warming up to him, opening up alittle more and being more playful, more comfortable, and it changed him in response.

my problem, our problem is the piecing. piecing is extremely hard. and i did not enforce the no contact.

so for now, i will continue not calling him first, i rarely even return his phone calls, not questioning his whereabouts, not questioning about ow, not questioning the status of our relationship.

but i will continue to be friendly and playful when its comfortable, i will continue to make our home the place he will want to be.

and if we get to the point where he wants to come home, or rather, knowing him, just shows up, boundaries must be enforced and the no contact is mandatory, and i will need proof that she is out of the picture.

i know i cannot rely on his word or rely on him sleeping home every night. its clear somehow they started talking again, or who knows, never stopped.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Originally Posted By: mdoodles

i know i cannot rely on his word or rely on him sleeping home every night. its clear somehow they started talking again, or who knows, never stopped.
For me, a lying, cheating spouse doesn't seem like a success. How have things improved? Maybe he's relieved you now seem to be more accepting and light-hearted about his A? How long have you tried this approach? Karen


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well the store is really closing today. unbelievable.

we are out alot of money, i guess i shouldnt even think about it.

i feel bad because my parents had given us a majority of it, never expecting this would happen.

im nervous now that h left a great job for the store and now what will he do? totally overwelming.

i get what he was saying, i get the business wasnt doing well, i get we were scammed. i get it.

but i didnt want it to close.


no wonder my shingles is chronic.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
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Who cares what he does.

What are you going to do? He has made his bed. And now he gets to sleep in it.

You have to be willing to let him truly experience the world that he has made for him self.

I dont think that its ever too late to change whats been happening. And I hope that you can really enforce the no contact when he comes back. I know that its scary and you are afraid that by doing it you will drive him away. But in the past when you dont enforce it he has wandered away. So if you get the chance I think that it will be really important.

What are you doing for YOU? Besides worrying about what hes doing?


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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i have to worry what he is doing! what he does directly affects me!

im a stay at home mom, we opened a business together, that was his job, that was to make our income, and it tanked.

so now we are unemployed. and yes, i can get a part time job, but really not until september, my son will only be in camp 3 days a week this summer.

and yes, he will experience the world now with the mess he made, although he did not plan on the store failing and being unemployed.

he has enough debt and credit troubles anyway that have nothing to do with me.

so while i can focus on myself rather than our relationship, the business side of our relationship, the employment side and financial side is still our concern together.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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I completely agree. There is no way to say "who cares what he/she does?" if you are financially linked. That's a huge concern as is and even more so when there are kids involved.

I also understand what you've been doing and why. It sucks to love someone so much who is just acting like such a schmuck. I live it everyday with you.

But what do you want to do? In a perfect, realistic world, what do you want to happen next? And how are you going to make that happen?

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what do i want? i want him to come home, end his affair, work things out here, meaning counseling and whatever else it takes.

but what i want and what will happen may not be the same.

im sure if i waited long enough, didnt proceed legally, he will return. but the real question is, would he stay, would it work out?

right now we are in a very tough position financially, more him than me due to his personal credit troubles that have arose from the affair and carring on the double life.

i am taking it day by day.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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