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Have you talked to a Lawyer yet?


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

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Stillloveshim,

I saw your post on mdoodles thread about the nagging and bashing that you gave your H and I had to write to you. I am there with you on this. I realized that in reponse to H's A I nagged him terrible, always have a smart remark about it, makes him feel even worse. H has been saying that he noticed in our separation that I have not changed and I think he's right. I haven't. This week when he came by with his friend, I went into the same unproductive behavior and realized in hindsight. I started talking about men not liking independent women. Started dropping hints. Talked about how unreliable he is. First, I know H is wrong in the A and was seeking validation outside but its such a terrible spiral b/c it has made me think less of him, which has inturn pushed him away even more. I think H is tired of all the bashing too. I even sometimes miss when I thought the world of him. Now its alot of negative thoughts (eg. thinking he's a liar, can't be trusted, etc). Sometimes all true things but I just hate it. I remember when I thought the world of him.

Anyway, I haven't set goals in a long time so I think I need to make this one of my goals - getting away from the nagging, bad talking, etc. Its so hard to do though when H hasn't made any deposits into his love bank for such a long time.

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SLH, I did Marriage Fitness. I was very impressed. My H didnt do it with me, but I really think that it was a big part of my whole overall improvement as a wife and person. Good luck, I'd like to hear what you think of it. Besides how expensive it was!

Last edited by bluerain; 06/11/09 06:13 PM.

I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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My H is doing a marriage program with me because he absolutely REFUSED to see a traditional counselor. He's doing this with complete and utter disdain. He has no interest in saving the marriage. He's doing this with the goal of shutting me up, so I won't contest the divorce--so he can say we did get professional help and it didn't work. And his goal (we both set one on the first day of the program--which was last night) is to be less adversarial.
So this is the last ditch effort. I hope it works. I'm hoping it at least gives him pause "Hey wait, could we work this out?"
But for you and your H, you do need to stop. You are right. Look at it this way, if you were having an affair of any kind, don't you think you would feel sort of guilty? Then your Spouse gives you crap about it, now you feel worse....then you start thinking "Well screw him! I'm having fun, he can't stop me from having fun and wanting to feel good about myself!" and you go deeper into the affair.
Also, it's just exhausting. Isn't it nicer when you are with him and you are laughing or just relaxing? It's so much energy to fight.
And you can trust him again. And the first step to trusting him again is treating him like you do trust him. Tell him, too. I am going to trust you and I believe you won't let us down.
Start small. Ask him to pick up some milk on the way home. When he does it say "Thanks I knew I could trust you to get this for me!" Small but small plus lots and lots of small adds up to pretty big.
You still think the world of him. I still think the world of my H. I'm just disappointed.
Another angle....not sure if you have kids, but if you do and one of them gets caught stealing....what would you do? Would you spend the rest of that child's life reminding them of the time they screwed up and embarassed you? That one I came up with on my own and I was shocked that I treated my husband like I did. And when I found out about the EA it just got worse and I just drove him further and further away right to the person who thought he was just about perfect. And the sick thing is I think he's pretty close to perfect. I just forgot to say it out loud.

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I have. but not indepth just yet.
I hate the idea of getting a lawyer for this crap. But the day could and most likely will come.
But I'm still fighting slowly and a lot more throughly than ever before. I'm on my last leg here and I'm pretty sure that leg has at least a hairline fracture and might even be broken.

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From your posts it sounded like he was making settlement offers, making claims about how good those offers were, and asking you to sign.

I wouldn't even start to have these discussions with him until you have talked to a Lawyer and found out what your rights, responsibilities are.

You are at risk of inadvertently agreeing with him on some things that are bad for you in the long term.

I think that you should continue with DBing full force, but in parallel, get a lawyer. Then in response to any of his claims like "This is better than child support" you should just respond "I'll have to check that with my Lawyer.

Protect yourself and your son.


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

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gotcha. No he has not presented me with anything and I'm not sure what the hold up is right now but I'm not asking. He said days ago he and his father were working something up and I would have it days ago, but nothing. Then he said that because I said I would contest it, they have things on hold.....but not really sure.
But no, I will not agree to anything and I did make it clear to him I will seek the advice of a lawyer before I would sign anything.
Thanks for the looking out Buddy

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do not get pushed into anything! at all!

perhaps he thought u would agree to whatever he told u, if he said it will work out best for u?

definitely seek legal advice, do not sign a thing without it!


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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I def. won't do that. I know I need to protect myself and my son. I'm not even sure how H thinks we can even remotely afford this divorce. And it's not a good sign he's pushing so hard for it despite that.

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So H is continuing to show signs of confusion. He says he shouldn't do certain things like when he's at our place, sleeping in our bed together. I think he wants me to say "No you should" so if in the end we do divorce he can say "You told me to sleep in the bed with you....it's not my fault you were lead on." I won't initiate ML for that exact reason.
But we'll see.
He said he would do the program and now he's completely against it. So I told him to not bother with any papers because we had a deal and a pretty good one I thought.
So I guess I've bought me some more time to show him the positive changes in me. And more importantly, to show myself the changes in me. I love that about me. LOL

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