i know how u feel, i know how it hurts to hear those words.
he is just trying to make his point, perhaps how he feels for the moment.
my advice is this - do not question the status of your relationship until further notice.
leave it alone, proceed as if.
and with pressure off, i bet he will soften and perhaps things can turn around.
and if u see a turn around, do not question!
it is so hard, i struggle with it too, however, having been through this before, having heard the words before, with pressure off, situation turns...almost always.
i cannot guarantee success, but i can say it may buy some time for him to think about what he really wants.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
well my husband is now looking for a new apartment and he and his father are still working on a divorce decree. Not good. I got him to agree to a marriage fitness program. I doubt he'll be sincere. I know he's doing it to say he did it then divorce me.
is he still home with u? how is that? anything different? is he acting different? are u acting different?
try your best to be upbeat, bring up nothing, go about your business, yet be friendly.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
He is home part time and then staying with a friend. His work schedule doesn't allow him to keep our son over night. He works very early in the am so he has been staying at our place on his days with the baby. That's been helpful. Everything is different. The fights have been weird. Today again he got crabby about doing the program. I don't want to force him but I have no choice. At this point, he is completely done. So it's force him to do this....and maybe have a fighting chance or just sign today.
I don't want to force him but I have no choice. At this point, he is completely done. So it's force him to do this....and maybe have a fighting chance or just sign today.
There's always "Drop the Rope"
Have you read any of the advice Robx gives LBH's?
It kind of goes the way of saying to your H "You are right, we are done." "You know, I really will be happier once you are gone"
...and then taking charge of your life and moving ahead.
...and waiting until your H says "But wait! What about the program?"
It's a totally different perspective, but would be a real 180 for you.
Just a thought...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I would do that except I have NOT ONE DOUBT he would be grateful, draw the papers up faster than you can say "Drop the Rope" with a pen in hand for me to sign.
So H agreed, begrudgingly to do the marriage program with me which is basically cd's, a work book with a book. He has out right REFUSED traditional counseling and he absolutely doesn't want to do this either. But for some reason, I was able to convince him to do it. But sort of not really because he's so reluctant. We started last night listening to the first CD. He rolled his eyes a lot and said "You are such a smart girl....I can't believe you fell for this scam artist." So we get done and he's just very negative about it. Again says he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't want to fix anything, he wants to move on. I told him "Look, I can't do this. I can't stay here and watch you fall in love with someone else. I just can't. So don't rent a new place just in case I leave. This is not a threat, it's the truth. I can't do it." And really, I know I couldn't take it. It would kill me. A few minutes later, he and S are about to shower. I asked him again "Are you going to do this with me?" He says again how stupid it is and how much he just wants to move on. I asked again "Are you going to do this and be sincere?" He said "I'll try. But I can't promise I'm going to do all these steps. What do we have to do next?" We had work book stuff to do. He and S shower. I clear my head and push the reset button. We do the work book. It was actually very insightful. And he had a much better attitude. He said he would continue so we'll see. I'm not exactly hopeful. But I do feel one more step closer to being able to say to myself I tried everything.
The rest of the evening after we were finished with the workbook, it went well. This first section of the workbook as well as the CD talks about building trust starting with small things like "I will pick up the milk on the way home" and then following through to do it. So we each made 7 promises, one big one the rest pretty easy (I hope) to follow through with. It also went through some other information that I found insightful including the fact he doesn't think I'm very fun anymore. And he's only loved me for about three of our seven years together.....meaning he hasn't loved me for the last four or so. That sucked to hear. But he does like the part where we have to table all the issues and stop fighting. Keep your fingers crossed and more advice suggestions thoughts....2x4's....let me have it.
From what you are saying it really really looks like he is walking away and you are pursuing. Pursuit does not work. It is completely counterintuitive, I know, but that is how it is.
When my W was in her EA (...who knows, she may still be but I don't think so), I tried, really tried to get her to read some of the marriage fitness type books with me. It failed completely!!! She would drag her feet, refuse to talk, roll her eyes, etc. I also pressured her into MC where I would open my heart and talk, but in which she would simply shrug her shoulders and answer "I don't know" to any question asked of her.
I realized later that during every minute of this she was sitting there thinking "I just want to run away, I just want to run away, just get me out of here..." Everything I was doing - all of the pressure to work on the M, was just reinforcing her desire to leave. She wasn't thinking logically, she just wanted to escape.
During this time I got all of the same things your H is telling you now. "Our M has never been good", "I have not loved you in x years", "I need to be with someone who is fun, and you are just not a fun person"
Now remember, these things are not necessarily true. Don't let him steal your positive memories of the M and try to make you feel like your married life has been a lie. however, you have to realize and really really accept, that in your H's mind, they are true.
Think about your R with your H as having 2 components. 1 is the basic friendship and partnership. This is the R where you care for your son jointly, work out finances, spend casual time together, etc. - Call it "Partnership" if you will. The other is the loving, intimate, romantic, mutual attraction part of the R - Call it "Romance".
In your H's mind (and in my W's), the "Romance" part of your R is DEAD. He believes that it can never come back, and that any attempt (counseling, books, etc) to repair the M is an attempt to force emotions that can not be. In fact, it is worse than that. Since he is convinced that he is not attracted to you, he finds the fact that you are holding on and trying desperately to work on the M to be unattractive! The more you hold on, the more he wants to run.
It sucks!! it is unfortunate! I hate it! It is not logical!! It is not realistic!
...but that's the way it is.
Accepting this is enabling me to a) take the pressure off my W, and by doing so to slow her flight. b) stop driving myself crazy with efforts to revive the "Romance" part of our R. Those efforts were just alienating her while at the same time increasing my own emotional attachment and desire. c) focus on my efforts to improve myself (believe me, I need it) d) work on improving the "Partnership" part of the relationship.
I am in this the same way you are - I'm no expert. I do, however know exactly how you are feeling. It is really really hard to let go of the Romance part of the R.
I wish you strength, I really do. No matter what happens, this is going to be really hard.
We are all in it together. Take care of yourself
-Thinker
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Just a quick addition in response to a question I got.
Just because the Romance part is dead, I don't think it is a hopeless cause. I believe that the path back to reconciliation lies in 1) fixing your self, 2) improving the "Partnership" part and the (and only then) 3) slowly building a NEW "Romance".
Think of it as now having a friend. You want to make that friendship better. If you stay friends, then maybe you might become lovers in the future.
The purpose of stopping pursuit is to buy you time. If you pursue and push and try to work on a dead "Romance", then you push the person away and never get the chance to fix the Partnership or build a new Romance.
So don't be disheartened.
Just relax and be patient. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I completely understand where you are coming from and what you are saying. This is my last ditch effort. He has the papers and wants me to sign. I said I would contest it on the grounds we have never pursued professional help. He said he would fight me in court, roll the dice and would NEVER go to a therapist. I suggested the Marriage Fitness program. He reluctantly agreed. And the truth is, he's only doing it because I said if he did and it doesn't work we can move forward with what he would like to do. He has the papers, in hand and wants to give them to me. At this point he pursing me to sign. I'm pursing him to work on it. Sort of a bad spot. Sucks whole bunches.
Oh and some more insight into things with me and H..... He is sleeping at home with us when it's his night with our son, otherwise he's staying with a friend. He's been looking at new places to live. His parents are going to help him pay his rent somewhere else. He wants me to sign off on a deal where he pays for half of all the household items from utilities to half the mortgage but I won't get any child support. And he'll help pay for half of the debt we've grown together. His parents will pay his rent and everything related to his new apartment. He says that's the best deal I'm going to get, and it's beter than child support. We can't sell the house because we are upside down on it and we can't afford two households now. We are still intimate and he's around an awful lot. I found out last night during the first step in the program that he doesnt' think I'm fun anymore. I think I sort of suspected that but it was insightful for me to hear it. Gives me some direction.
