he was back, i think

[stillloveshim]

Forget the affair. Seriously. Forget it. The ONLY reason he is there is because she has no attachments to his real life. She is a nut case, but she's a nut case that when he's with her, he's not a crappy husband. He's not a crappy father. He's not a crappy provider. He's not a crappy businessman. He's the HERO in white shining armour.
You think he doesn't want to see you? Of course he does. You think he doesn't want to be with you? Of course he does. You think he wants to sleep in a different house than you and your child? No a freaking chance in hell.....but when he's with you, he's reminded of his screw ups, his mistakes. When he's with her, once again, he's perfect.
I'm not sure how you make him feel loved, wanted and needed. I'm not sure how you make him feel like your hero, but when you figure it out, you need to let me know so I can do that with my H.
And however you do all of that, it needs to start happening today.

[stillloveshim]

And basically what I mean by forget the affair is this: My H was having an EA with a co-worker. She was also in a bad relationship where there was lots of fighting, just as it was between me and H. So they latched onto each other, being each other's ego boost and "You make me feel so good about myself" buddies.
And now, that has really died down as she now has a new boyfriend who gives her everything her little heart desires and my H is broke, more than a decade older than her and has a kid. But no matter, he's now got another weird phone relationship with a distant cousin who lives in another state that he's never laid eyeballs on. But they Facebook and they talk on the phone now....
So really, it's not the person....it's what the person does for our H's....which is boost their egos and gives them the euphoric feelings you have when you get to know someone.
If not this dummy, it would be another one. So don't stress about her, she's nothing and could be easily replaced with a new dummy.
Concentrate on you.

[PositivelyMommy]

I think SLL is absolutely correct in her assessment of our WAS.

Though to go one step further. Do we really want men who fall in love with themselves through the reflection of someone else's eyes, whether it's ours or OW's?

If they are feeling badly about themselves, shouldn't they do something about those issues rather than find a mirror that tells them exactly what they want to hear so they can forget about their problems?

Is that what we really want to end up with?

Of course we know what to tell our H's. We know 90% of the time what they are thinking. We know what would tick them off, what would stroke their ego.

The questions is when did they become so insecure that a little confrontation/truth conversation is going to scare them into someone else's arms?

Are these men or mice?

So the answer is to not mention the elephant in the room, rather, we should act like OW's and just stroke their ego and make them feel better?

That is the answer to a happy marriage?

I wonder if my whole concept of marriage has been totally screwed up?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

PM,

PREACH it, sister. You are SO right on with this -- what a great post!!!

"Make him feel like a hero"???? On my planet, adulterers aren't heroes.

Puppy

[mdoodles]

u guys are so right on target.

and guess what? i have to bring him to reality today and go over more of our financial mess.

if today doesnt make him hitchhike his way to fantasy land, i dont know what will!

it is still so hard for me to grasp how he was so financially stable, so financially responsible, how he could fall apart the way he has. its incredible.

i have plenty to go over with him today.

the truth is, and i see it and know it, i would be better off with him, he is a liability to me. and will be to the ow.

if i could only get myself to accept and proceed accepting it, wihtout waivering, i would be much better off.

[stillloveshim]

I understand PM's perspective.
But here is why my situation, it doesn't quit fit.
I badgered him. I annoyed him. I nagged him. I bitched. I went for the kill. And then he started to stay away more and more. I repeated the process again, but with more umph! I was going to win. I was going to nag him back into our marriage to work on it.
Well, it didn't work. He sought new relationships that made him feel better.
And the truth of the matter was, yes he contributed to why we are where we are and so did I. 50/50 split.
So it's not so much our spouses need to have their egos stroked as a way of life.....but for me and my spouse he needed at the time he left the marriage.
I would agree if you are with someone who will need that for the rest of their lives, that could be tough. A very hard order to fill.
But for me, I will admit the emotional beating I put out there for him....he needed to go somewhere to recover. I'm sorry I did this, I'm sorry he had to seek solice somewhere else. In hindsight....I truly regret it.
But for me, with my spouse, it's not that he needs his ego boosted, he needs to be made to feel like a hero everyday of his life.....but he definitely could NOT live in a marriage where he was being bashed from just about every direction.
And only he and I know that.
And when he was done getting his emotional butt kicking from me, his wife who promised to cherish him, he went some where to lick it wounds and recover.
I hate my involvement in this, but I'm getting more accomplished now that I've admitted my part in this.

[mdoodles]

saw my husband briefly, just to share with him reality for a few minutes....lol

my plan of the day is this:

pull back as much as i can, minimal contact - let him do the work

try to protect what i can, handle what i can, financially

try to plan ahead to the best of my ability

keep my son happy and entertained, plan things for us for the weekend.

im going to try and do all of this without moving forward legally.

maybe in time i will adjust and accept the idea of it, right now, im not there

and if he does move forward, i know i will be ok. the truth is, it could only help me, im just not ready

[bluerain]

Mdoodle, yes ma'am! I think that this is an excellent way for you to look at it. How can you go wrong making sure that you and your son are happy and provided for? How did he take his dose of reality?

[stillloveshim]

I think that is a great course of action.
Just hang in there and be positive and the woman you know 5 million men would love to date!

[mdoodles]

thats the funny thing - any guy would love to date me and bring me home to his parents.

i know this. yet i still hang on to my husband, who was once so proud to be my husband (and between me and you, i think he still is).

its so extremely sad to see how he has screwed up, has become the complete opposite of himself.

i do like my current plan of action, and still hold out hope we can reconcile.

but in the meantime, im sticking to my focus.

remind me later when im sad again...