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Hey doodles, I felt the same way exactly for one whole year. But then I asked H, so do you think we can live together as a family again? He refused to give me a definite answer without our C present. Then at C's office, he admitted that he wants this separation to be forever ending in D.

After I got told that to my face, I felt as if a spell has been lifted. Yes, a spell. A kind of love spell. Which I had been under for over 18 years.

The spell lifted and I was free from H. I felt like I was sleeping beauty waking from a deep sleep.

Now, I don't miss him. I see him without the rose-tinted glasses and see the man he is today, not the man I fell in love with.

I rejoice that I am now free. I can make choices that are based on my own happiness.

I don't know if this helps. But I think one day you will need to know a definitive answer from you H. I know you are afraid to ask now because it may not be the answer you want. It will take time but you will be ready one day. And when you get the answer, maybe the spell will be lifted as well.


Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
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my husband will most likely never make a definitive decision.

its either going to come from me, or the ow will leave him.

today i am feeling ok. some days are up, some are down, i guess i was due for an up day today.

i emailed my old employers (we have remained in contact since i left almost 6 years).

i told them i may be looking for part time work and to keep me in mind. they do not normally hire part time but they have told in the past they would do it for me.

its nice to know my work was appreciated and warrants special treatment!

going to the gym this morning, supermarket and meeting a friend for lunch.

i also have to pull together health insurance paperwork. we couldnt afford our cobra plan so im trying to get something else that is reasonably priced.

there should be health insurance plans for people just opening a business. oh well.

as for h, i havent called or texted, i know he will call me later.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Originally Posted By: mdoodles
my husband will most likely never make a definitive decision.

its either going to come from me, or the ow will leave him.


Of course. We humans are, at the end of the day, basically "path-of-least-resistance" creatures, and if we're not forced to upset our own status quo, rarely will we upset it on our own. Especially if it's "working" for us, but even in cases where it's downright DYSFUNCTIONAL. It's just basic "a body in motion tends to stay in motion" stuff.

Add to that, that if he ever returns to the marriage only because the OW left him, you won't have really solved anything.

Puppy

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yes, you are right, his body in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by an outside force.

and each time it seems the outside force interferes, he somehow gains motion again.

it sounds so simple- i should just move on, go forward with the legal process and not look back.

but its not what i want.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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So mdooles, what you are saying is this:

"He cheats on me. I am OK with this as long as he doesn't leave me for good. It's better than getting a divorce."


It's been a few years, he hasn't recommitted. Not really. So ask yourself this, how much longer is this going to go on for? The answer is 'as long as you allow it'.

Do you not deserve better than a man who lies and cheats and doesn't treat you with respect? Or are you crossing your fingers, hoping for a miracle? Because it seems to me that you are, which is OK but again, how long will you hold out for miracle?

Puppy is right, if the only reason he comes back is that OW leaves him, there is no guarantee that he won't find another OW, or another OW get her clutches on HIM. He would not had to face the real issues of his R's and you are back where you started.

I am not saying that you should go ahead with the legal, there are other options. But I think if you REALLY ask him, for real, if he can actually commit again, then you will have an answer. And you know what, it might just kill the last bit of love you have for him and then you will be free and be able to move on without guilt or regrets. Then it WILL become what you want. As opposed to now, moving ahead, but not really meaning to. Does that make sense?


Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
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It does make sense. I think he does, in a sense, want to be home, be with me and his family. But everytime he does, he has yet to go through the withdrawal from giving up ow and everything blackslides.

If not to proceed with legal, what are the options?


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Make him miss you emotionally and physically, for one.

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Exactly.

Also, how about you moving on ahead with your life, REALLY detaching. Find the mdoodles that you are inside, out of this man's influence.


Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
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well emotionally, he lost me 2 weeks ago when this all went down, all he has now is emotion from me with our business.

physically, i do need to restrain myself, u are right.

its hard because i want the connection, i want to be close to him, but i know i need to not give in to him while he is back with her.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
what i need to do is release myself from the game of winning him.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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