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Doodles,

Sometimes "moving on" (or -- better: "dropping the rope") IS the best way to "fight for your marriage."

They are not opposites.

Puppy

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but what do i do when i feel im dropping the rope and he is coming around almost immediately? how do i act?

responsive and then once apart, back to dropping the rope?


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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The point of dropping the rope is to let the other person know you have TRULY dropped it -- not to pick it back up at the first sign of a tug on the other end. In fact, if you're properly dropping the rope, you shouldn't even FEEL the tug on the other end, because how can you feel it if it's not in your hand??

You are still 99% focused on him. You need to be 90% focused on YOU, and walk down your path. Yes, you can OCCASIONALLY (10%) look over your shoulder and see if he's walking with you, but I wouldn't even recommend THAT until you're several miles down the path.

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went by the store today to drop off flyers for tomorrow's street fair.

a guy from a local establishment was there, h is teaming up with him for the street fair.

is it me, or do u always feel like everyone knows your situation?

i always wonder, does h tell people...oh thats my wife but i cheat on her and have someone on the side...

i dont know, i felt like the guy knew, but i guess whats the difference

things between h and me are so totally different than a week ago.

i hate that there was a time in my life where everything seemed in place and the future seems so certain.

now, i feel like i never know what is ahead of me.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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im feeling very down.

i cant help but think about the ow and that he is most likely with her now.

sometimes it hits me more than others and when it does, it totally overwelms me.

i wish i could just feel "done" with him and move on.

but i cant fake the feeling and it doesnt help when he ropes me back in, just enough to give me hope again.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 35
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Hey doodles! Just wanted to check in with you. Sounds like you have received some very good advice...some of which I'm taking to heart myself. You have to remember you're still in the early stages of this, so it's ok if you don't feel very strong right now. Puppy gave some great advice about the rope...that was such a great analogy. You are in a tenuous spot right now...those small little tugs can just pull you into where you don't want to be. No one knows what the future holds, but more of the same will not get you to where you want to be. Stay strong girl...you know you have it in you.


Me:42
H:47
T:11 yrs
M:5 1/2 yrs
Death of my step daughter in July 2008
He began relationship with OW in August 2008
H will be moving out in next couple of weeks
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Hey mdoodles, I know it's difficult thinking abt OW.

But I think you can benefit from a different approach to this whole thing.

Did you know that humans can re-generate any type of cells except one. That is, if we get hurt or whatever, we can make more of them. Well, the one exception is Brain Cells. We are born with a finite amount of them. They die because we get older or because we drink alcohol (which kills them off) or for some people, taking drugs.

Now, let me ask you. Do you REALLY want to waste your precious brain cells thinking about that awful, useless piece of excuse for a human being? Seriously.

It's not worth it.

Think instead about the wonderful things in your life ( like your kid) and also the wonderful things life has in store for you. Think of the positive stuff and you will more likely give off a positive energy and attract positivity in your life. If you dwell on the negative, same effect, and also you may lower your immune system and get sick (I did.)

So really, she is NOT WORTH IT.

On the same note, neither is your H because of his actions now. So forget about them.


Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
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ugh... happy birthday for the other day...

dont think about that OW! well ok - you have to a bit. I ADMIT you have to a bit, I did. try this: set yourself say, 10 minutes during the day/night, where you will allow yourself to THINK about OW. any other time.. off limits. you can ONLY think of her, during this 10 minutes. try to make this 10 minutes a time when you are doing something nice, - maybe a morning shower or a bath? you can think of her then: rest of the day, its YOUR time and all thoughts of her must be BANISHED!!!! well this worked for me anyhow. Now I no longer need my 10 minutes! (i am a little weird tho.) I just got sick of her being in my mind alllll the time so i decided to 'box' her up in my mind. made me feel, i dunno, more in control.

I hope you feel better about everything really soon, but, it does take time, and as i said to you before, sometimes 'saving' a marriage becomes almost obsessive. knowing that doesnt actually HELP as such, but knowing it can give you a measure of armor? help you cope? help you know that, when your feeling lost and directionless, you tend to grab hold of a GOAL, and your GOAL becomes all you think about, it consumes you, bc your too scared to look outside at life...

it does pass but a natural passing is better so getting thru it on your own time, with the tools that you have, is being compassionate to your soul and a balm to your spirit. being kind to yourself is about the best thing you can do. try to think kind loving thoughts every day, about you. like as in, "I am very good at >>>> Im glad of that" or "I am a loving person, which is why I feel in so much pain over this". we spend way too much 'beating' ourselves up. positive, loving self thoughts, to brighten yourself up, are important. if you catch yourself thinking, "im such a loser I cant stop thinking about him" CHANGE that thought to "thats true but its because I am a loving person I feel that way. I am getting stronger every day".


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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took my son to the street fair where our store is. h was running the tent for our store.

it was a nice day and we had a decent time.

h was fine, normal, friendly, my son was happy to get to see him and is so proud to tell people we own the store.

terrific, lol. its going to close.

i really battled over going to the fair, i wanted to pull back, but at the same time, its a beautiful day and my son deserved the change to enjoy a street fair.

this is so hard, my head goes in circles, doesnt know what to focus on first.

i wish i knew what is going to happen with us.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Posts: 1,011
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h called when the fair was over, i guess to tell me how the rest of the day went.

its so hard now when things between us arent ugly anymore.

atleast when it was ugly, i could hate him.

now i miss him.

its so hard to detach when u have a child together, and a business together.

its even worse thinking (knowing) he is going to see her now.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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