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#1776877 06/02/09 07:32 PM
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A quick update to my situation:
A few years back H had an emotional affair. We fought over it a lot. I kicked him out for one night. At the time, I had never heard the term EA. EA ends because she moves out of the state.
We recover.
Last September I'm pregnant, miscarry.
October we are still trying to buy a bigger house.
November we decide against the house and he drops the "I don't want to have any more children" bomb on me. I'm devestated.
A week later he wants "a break".
A week later we are separated and he's moving out, but home on the weekends.
Then he stops coming home on the weekends. Turns out the OW from his second EA gets dumped by her live in boyfriend and kicked out of the house.
EA gets hot and heavy and probably a PA for about two weeks in January, then she dumps him. But keeps talking to him.
I move out of the house in February, he moves home.
May, I move home with our 3 year old, he's now living there on his nights that he is supposed to be watching our son. Then he stays with a friend. But this is an improvement of how it's been since about early to mid December. And he sleeps in our bed with me. (Sometimes he initiates ML, sometimes we just snuggle, sometimes there's no contact. Hard to say what it's going to be.)

I know the OW still calls him and I've seen some texts between them. It's 80% complaining about work and a particular co-worker and the rest is pretty blah. But to me this is still very much an emotional affair. Because of these after work conversations and who knows what during work conversations, he's very unavailable to me.
He says it's over. He's even said I'm delusional.
But he still wants to initiate ML. One day he's hot and heavy for me and the next, nada.
At this point, my goal is to not fight with him for three solid weeks. And I mean NOTHING at all in terms of fighting or arguing. That means on June 27th I can scream at him. wink
So far pretty good.
And I have not mentioned or even remotely discussed OW in about 5 or 6 days now. Pretty good there.
At this point, he has started to tell people we are divorcing.
The EA ending on her end, for him I think is still very very raw. I do believe he's still very much mourning that and possibly even hoping she dumps her boyfriend (whom she is convinced will propose in the next two months) and says "Let's ride off into the sunset Shorty!" (Yes, she's an amazon and taller than him--couple of inches.)

Here's some extra background info: He's always around. And I mean A LOT. On his weekends is when he tends to not be around 100%. But on nights when he doesn't have to be, he's there. He hangs out a lot more than a man who really wants out of his marriage should be. So it's very confusing to me, but yet, offers some hope or maybe it's just making me more delusional...???? Not sure.

At this point I want to know: How can I fight for my marriage with this OW who sits 8 feet from him for about 3-4 hours a day at work? (Yes, they work together.) How can I make him "look" at me more?

I'm working on creating a comfortable environment at home and just around me. I'm sweeping up the eggshells if you will. I know that's a must, but does anyone have some extra advice?
I have def. GALed. I'm very happy and proud of that. I've gotten professional help to deal with some of my issues that contributed to my H's desire to seek other relationships. I know I had a hand in it and I'm sorry for it--and working on it.
I guess my big hope is that she just moves away since this town is not home for her and her BF lives about 2 or so hours away back where she is from. But I can't bank on that and I need to keep fighting....but I feel more and more that he really may be done. I'm hanging on to hope because he is around so much and we have absolutely 0 issues in the bedroom. He tells me often I am desireable. So I hope/think that helps.
Plus we do have a child between us.

How do I fight/compete against his feelings for her? The attention he gives her?
And what can be done about all the mouth running he's been doing? We both have fairly high profiles in this community and I fear it may be starting to get around.

Any advice? Insight?

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Hi. I wish I had some great insight/advice. I'm sure other ppl here will offer some better words of wisdom than me. But, I have a son who is 4, so I can relate to the stress of parenting a young child with all of this chaos. It's the most awful thing I've ever experienced. ((HUGS to you.)) You are not alone in all of this.

It sounds like you are doing all of the GALing pretty well. I've read some great advice that the GALing should be for YOU not him. Have you tried any 180s? Those seem to work for me pretty well. I also recently read the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It was insightful and has helped me figure out not only the type of love I like to receive but also what kinds of positive emotional efforts my H might respond to best. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

Basically, the book boils down to this point: We all like to receive love in different ways. The trouble is figuring out the ways. When the WAS seeks an affair, my limited understanding about this is that the affair meets the spouse's needs in some way that are not being met by the marriage. What needs does your H get met with the OW? Maybe try to look at that and use it to inform your actions? I hope this helps.


Me 39, H 41
M 17, T 21
Son, 4
Bomb 2.09, Two EAs
Separated 8.4.09
My Long Story and First Postings

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Hi Eternal,
Yes the GALing has def been for me and me only. Ironically, while it's been hell period, it has been ever more difficult with my three year old.....BUT now we have set days when H has to watch S so I'm actually getting more time for me. So there's one positive.....
But I've heard of that book....I may have to go and get it.
I think the OW was just younger, exciting and no responsibility. But the problem is she still calls to whine to him about work and how no one there likes her because she's so much better than them and they are obviously jealous, blah blah blah.....but I think he might like a little big needy...??? If that's the case, I can only be so "needy". I'm a big girl and yes I could use help with some things, but I've never seen myself as needy.

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Welcome back SLH!


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
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My H is going to see a lawyer today. Anyone have anything encouraging? A lawyer I spoke with told me to wait before doing anything because of our finances.
I think unfortunately, his parents are going to help him out of the marriage so now he can do it.

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I am really sorry to hear that SLH. I really am.

You have been living in limboland - like me. It's a hard place to be - H not committed to the M, but also not actively leaving. I have really struggled with it, because in that sitch I have found it is REALLY HARD to detach and not pursue.

It seems that you, like I, have been attached and pursuing still.

You should really take a look at SmileysPerson 's thread. He is in a sitch where his W is leaving and initiating D, and he has really been handling it well. He started with a painful acceptance that his W is leaving and went on from there.

Smiley'sPerson's Post on Letting Go and Being Friends with your WAS

Last edited by Thinker; 06/04/09 03:32 PM.

Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
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Not a big deal.
He said he wants to move forward with the divorce but has to think out the logistics. His parents are going to help him pay his rent somewhere else. So not sure how I feel about that.
But he also said begrudgingly that he would go to marriage counseling. I think that's because he told the lawyer I was thinking of contesting the divorce on the grounds we have not done everything we can to save our marriage, we have not done professional counseling. I think the lawyer told him since you have a child a judge may say she's right, go get counseling first, see you in 90 days or whatever time frame the judge sets.
Not sure if I want to drag this out any longer or if I just want it to end.

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Now you sound like me - as I have been over the past few weeks.

I have had whole days where I have said "F___-it, I'm going to file myself"

The uncertain life in Limboland is rough, but I'm starting to deal with it better.

Don't rush it. Just focus on moving forward with your life.


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
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i say that since u are not sure, go for the counseling, dont decide to give in to the divorce if u have been wanting to save your marriage.

its a very hard decision to make to end it or keep going, i struggle with it myself.

new york doesnt have a mandatory counseling session. wish they did, that way i could get my husband to go!


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Florida doesn't have one either.
He told me today he wants to move forward with the divorce. He doesn't want to fix it, he just wants out, it's over, he's done, why do you want to do this with someone who doesn't want to save this marriage?
All of it sucks to hear.
All of it hurts to hear.
All of it makes me want to scream.
But guess what?
He's very very very very very very reluctantly agreed to do a marriage program with me, outright REFUSING to go see a therapist. So this was the compromise.
He said he would be sincere and really try, but I have my serious serious doubts. I think he said he would do it because he wants to take away my ability to ask the courts for therapy. If he does this he can say we did get professional help.
But I am going to do it and hope beyond hope he will at least see a glimpse of what we could be like in a new marriage. I hope this saves us. But at least I hope it gives him pause....stop moving forward, maybe wait and see if we can both make permanent changes.
Basically I'm just scared. Like never before in my life.

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