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Flight,
I havent asked you about your sitch you have helped so much with mine and literally brought some peace to my sitch...
Any good out come latley? I hope it has....

PD


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
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Flight,
I was reading what your H did to you, I wonder if I should do this also. I know she's not contacting me and has really pushed me away but also at one point said I was walking away... of course I wasnet but she was lost and didn't want to remeber that she pushed me out... my things are still in the house and I have to either move or get on with life. She is not pushing me to move out and I have wondered about this for a while.
The last time she called and I came and helped her with her car and she almost started crying! I think I have to lay it down, I can't stay like this and have a friend in another state that is willing to set me up with a place and work and think I will be going... So should I do this not knowing what she up to and a little suprised that she hasent contacted me at all in about 3 weeks... it's been 7 months since we split.. you rember what happened on our last meeting...the only thing i have to go on is I can see her personal little struggle with some feeling for me as much as she hides it..???


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 305
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I don't want to do this over an e-mail either but face to face would be best right? I would just e-mail and say I need to talk to her and leave it at that...??


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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paul im no guru, I cant tell you what truly is best for you... yanno one of the biggest things i hear from you is your lack of self trust...

you post on here, you an empathetic feeling man... at the end of the day we all do what we feel is right, and live with those choices, and we do it for US not them or the marriage...

only you know what is exactly right for you, not THE MARRIAGE. not HER. not GETTING HER BACK. just for you, as a person. dont ever do anything in rage, or anger, or despair; thats my only real advice .


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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Originally Posted By: FightingFit
Mr Mom... I understand your regret over your failures in your marriage. And its commendable too. AND so healthy and necessary that we see them and see our part in a marriage breakdown.

But ONE thing you ALSO need to consider is this - you were always that way and for a long time she was fine with you BEING that way, it was clearly acceptable enough for her, and part of your personality, a part she didnt like sure but we all have things we dont like in our partner (bad temper, nasty silent treatment, not listening, we ALL have them.) REmember that when someone has an affair, they will do and say anything to justify it and no i am not saying they are LYING, those issues ARE real, but they are also used to camoflauge and explain BAD IMMORAL BEHAVIOUR and you have a RIGHT to point that out at all times in a loving way.

ie "I hear you saying I never listened to you and I was emotionally absent and I agree, and I believe I am working on that very much FOR MY OWN SAKE - but it doesnt excuse you for having an affair and trying to walk out on this marriage with another MAN before trying to work out our marriage."

you can only apologise and grovel so long for mistakes made in the marriage - if they are not prepared to accept your apology and take A RISK ON YOU to see if you really ARE trying to change then ask yourself (and THEM) this! "Why is is you were very ready to take a dangerous and RECKLESS and IMMORAL risk with this MAN, when you are not prepared to take a risk for ME and our MARRIAGE?" it is a GOOD question and its a VALID one.

Other things to point out to the cheating OW: if this other man is so supurb I wonder why he finds it ok to be a homewrecker and not WAIT FOR YOU? ie I beleive if he were a REAL man he'd want to be sure you were making the right choice and surely he'd want to have some INTEGRITY and tell you to not COME BACK til it was OVER. says a lot about what kind of man he is?!?! do you WANT that kind of man? if he did it with you he can do it TO YOU. better hope a sexy 19 yo doesnt come prowling!

Absolutely yes shes going to regret her behavior and for sure not giving it more of a try with you but the point is it can be all too late by then for you, if you move on emotionally (DETACH) and then its too late to regret anything anyway. And heres the kicker Mr Mom: your working on yourself now and is she FULLY PREPARED to take the risk that another woman might just end up with ALL HER HARD WORK (and thats exactly what happens yanno!)

regarding the fact you were always emotionally absent so you wonder if going dark now is good for anything, your probably right, i would guess she 'tests' you. but the point is you should tell her "no testing. you want to know how prepared I am to change and how much I want to be different then you be my wife to see that change, because its not fair to ME to make me express how I feel to you when you dont care". and it isnt, either, is it.

in your case... you might think of expressing these thoughts into a compassionate, logical letter to her; make it warm and loving (demonstrating your change!) but not whining or begging. give her some points to think about.

then leave it in her court. work on you. love your life as much as you can. put your head down and one foot in front of the other. one day you'll look up and the worst is past.


Thank you FF for the great advice and kind words. I did give her a letter and I posted that in my thread. The balls in her court now so I'm back to working on myself. The funny thing was that she didn't say "Its to little to late" which was her key phase when I was doing the begging and pleading in the beginning. She really seemed torn and I could see the sorrow and pain in her eyes. I asked her if she wanted to talk but she said no so I left it at that.


Me: 32
WAW:33
M:8
T:13
D:3,5
Bomb #1 om:4/6/09
Bomb #2 papers signed 4/26/09
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Fighting Fit,

Sorry for the hijack but could not find her (FF's) thread...

FF -I posted to you on postively mommys' if you get a chance. It touches on issues you raise in your other posts.

J-


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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your right again flight,

Self trust, second geussing myself and back peddling on any thought I might have.

I am just leaving things alone for now....

I will be respectful and can only hope for the best!

Hope your good!

PD


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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Thanks paul, I have good days and bad, but I can truly say, approaching my 3 year mark, mostly good. I do have red buttons, and those red buttons, if pushed, can send me off into a spiral, but I have identified most of them now...

its all about working on myself now, trying to heal as best as I can and just move forward. I am SO beyond caring if I ever get another partner - I did the whole rebound thing, that seriously sucked - now I can actually confortably see myself single for life and justing living quietly. Half the time I imagine I have to much emotional baggage to expect anyone else to carry for me anyway. If I can help other people---- im doing something. as for help for me - there really isnt any in my situation. I have to help myself, thru god, prayer, and doing some good in this world because you know what? NONE of us get stuff thats truly unfair. i really believe that. if it was my karma then I can spend a LONG time overcoming that karma... and intend to

your a person in your own right. your partner doesnt make you who you are. you are you. you were you before you met her and you will be you after shes gone. When the fear of being ALONE finally wears off, you look around and realise its just not that bad anyway. SURE its a lovely idea to have someone to share things with intimately, but you will STILL have other people to share MOST stuff in life with - and thats EVEN IF YOU NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! its only ONE aspect of life. I can ASSURE you as a girl who lived with her partner since 16 years old, you DO get to a point where you are pretty much OK... and in SOME ways, begin to wonder if you could ever really give up your independant ways if you wanted to !

ive had plenty of offers, and none interest me whatsover, im in the process of still just 'recovery' right now, and im doin that for ME. dont care if i never have another man. its just not on my 'important' list anymore.


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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Funny you say that about not being interested in enyone I am with you on that one! Since I have been reading so many stories good and bad it has made me hope that I can do a 180 for me and have to do this not to win her back.
If she did try I don't know if I could be with her anymore no matter how much I love her. Like you said in one of your posts we erode until there's nothing left....
Sad thing is I see this happening more often these days people running around out of control and R's get bashed from all directions, having integrity seems to not be the important factor in the M anymore....
You are a wealth of information that can save other's M's. You have a gift I think! Hope you can keep doing this...

Thank you
Oh and since I talk to much I'm sure I will find more things to talk about smile


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 305
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Joined: Nov 2008
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Flight

I know some days good some days bad, so ture! One thing that scares me is that I hear people on here and they have had to deal with one A and for me with her running from one to another to another... OW
You also said something so true... We know our partners even though she is a diffrent person I can see the same person to doing this, you know? She has done things diffrent that would have made me want to stay if she was doing this while I was there but is doing this with people that don't really know about her or care, and have proven this to her and still! anyway thought I could throw that out..
Guess this is the really heard part for me...
I am staying with NC ans staying dark...
Still NC from her..


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
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