he was back, i think

[mdoodles]

u are right puppy, u are right.

people like to tell me im strong, i dont think i am.

but honestly, i dont want this, i dont want to end my marriage, i dont want to lose my husband, that at one time i had a terrific marriage and life with.

i keep waiting for it to come back.

i dont want to lose him to this ow, who isnt even a woman, is someone who is 22 even a woman?

so what should i do? let him see im moving on, not let him in the house?

i did that 2 years ago and guess what? it only allowed his relationship to flourish.

and then i heard how he didnt see me fighting for him then.

im at a loss.

but if i keep waiting, before i know it, it will be 8 years from now, my son's bar mitzvah, and i will still be sitting here.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey mdoodles, I wanted my M to work for a long time as well. But if you pull back and all he does is go to OW, then YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER! You just don't want to accept it, that's all, and that is very understandable.

He cannot make up his mind to stay with you, for 2 years now. So the question you need to ask yourself, not him, is how much more of this are you going to take? Until all your hair turn gray? Until your frown lines are permanently etched on your forehead?

If you gave this man every oppty to come back to you and work on his M and he flees, then honey, he is not going to recommit anytime soon.

All I am saying is, give yourself a time limit. It can be a year, two years, three years. But whatever it is, give it to yourself and so a few years down the road, you KNEW that you gave it your all and you knew that you HAD a choice in this and don't regret your decision to stay in this M.

I gave myself till the end of this year just because I have my big 40th birthday then. I want to start afresh when I turn 40 and not have to answer to my H or his family anymore. I want to take possession of my life and my decisions and be rid of all the toxic energy. But that's me. You need to decide for yourself.

Good luck!

[mdoodles]

thank you. truthfully, i do not wish to wait anymore.

but i also know us, and know him, and know how ambivalent we both are.

i think my plan of action is as follows:

i go on as if he is not coming back.

the house is selling regardless and i have to move in 2-3 months.

my plan is to go without him.

perhaps in the next few months, something will change.

i saw the change in him today. if change continues, i would demand certain things to be, set the boundaries that i never enforced.

i would not continue with him without counseling, without proof ow is out of the picture.

the truth is, it feels good to see him wanting me, it feels good when the softening occurs, because the ugly stuff is not fun, the pain is not fun.

i think it is one day at a time.

i know if he came home, this stuff would happen again if he didnt fully admit to the problems, admit to his ambivalence and truly want to work on it.

[PositivelyMommy]

Good plan and good attitude, mdoodles.

You know I have been thinking more about the differences in our sitch. I never saw my H soften towards his stance to leave. So that makes my decision to move on a whole lot easier.

But your sitch is different because you see some changes so hope is dangled like a carrot in front of you once in a while. It's hard to move on and away if you see hope.

I don't know whose sitch is easier to live with, neither I suppose.

But I do wish you the best of luck with your move and your new life forward. Being stuck where you were was not fun and you deserve so much better, whichever way he decides to go.

[mdoodles]

neither situation is easy to live with.

my problem truly is that, like my mother in law says, "you two dummies are never done with eachother."

its so out of character for him to be doing what he continues to do.

and i do believe he had every intention of leaving ow and being here and running our business.

but i didnt enforce the no contact and transparency. and he didnt give any time between ending it with her and coming home.

and it backfired. big time.

not to mention the business not doing what was planned.

i do not want a divorce, or legal separation. i never did.

so it is extremely hard to move on, especially when i see him waivering once again.

like my friend says, he knows he has me, he knows that he will always see me. the ow, no. so he goes to her, and still has me.

hmm. i know i need to do something about this, let him see he really doesnt "have me", but i need to do it kindly, without changing the locks, without packing his stuff and leaving it outside.

because i know with him, that will not work.

have to find what works.

[PositivelyMommy]

Anything less than real detaching is going to sound false. If you are pretending to detach, he will sense it. So you really need to make up your mind once and for all. Are you keeping the door open for him whenever he deigns you worthy of attention? Or are you going to close this chapter of your life and move ahead?

Being married for so long, we have strong intuitions regarding our spouses and they us.

What is wrong with asking him to pack his stuff? You are showing him that you deserve better than being a 'backup'. If he gets mad at you and thinks you are not trying, then you can give him a letter abt how you feel.

E.g. I cannot live like this anymore, I want to try at our M and have tried for the past two years but not under the current cicumstances i.e. limbo. When you are ready to recommit then I will need proof (e.g. no contact, total transparency) however, if you feel you cannot prove to me your commitment then I rather not have you at all. For my peace of mind and happiness, this is my choice.

Something to that effect so he knows exactly where you stand and can never come back and say that you 'gave up on him' or that 'you didn't care' or ' you didn't fight for him'. You fought for two years, a long hard slog.


The problem is whatever excuse he has come up with, you take it as if it's the absolute truth. Well, it's not. Listen to your inner voice, you know he is not on the up and up. You don't have to believe EVERYTHING he says.

[mdoodles]

i like what u said pm. i like that.

truthfully, everything just happened last week, this is all new to me, i just had him home and we were working together.

i am going to keep up with the not calling or texting him, see what happens the next few days.

i like what u said, i may use it when needed.

[lost-n-Iowa]

I like what pm is saying to you too. She has very good advise.

I allowed my H to come back and have been trying very hard to make things work. I see a difference in my H but I am always worried that he will fall back into the same routine that he has always been in. It is hard to know what to do and what choice to make. I am in that boat with you.

I took the advice that was given to me on this site, that if I allowed my H to come back that I needed to set boundries and stick to them. My boundry was that my H needed to tell the OW in front of me (either to her face on on the phone on speaker) that it was over between them and that he was wanting to make his marriage work and that she needed to stay out of out lives and not to have any contact with my H anymore. I thought the same thing that you are thinking too....that it will only push him towards her. I have learned 2 different things.....

1. Don't TELL him to do it, ask him to. My H seemed to waiver back and forth and never would do it, so I thought that meant that he was stringing her along too. In the end he finally told me that since I was telling him to do it then he just felt like doing the oppisite. Men must be wierd that way but I finally asked him.

2. When i finally asked him I did it like this, 'I would appreciate it if you would call the OW up and put her on speaker and tell her this (blah blah blah). If you are not willing to do this for me and our family and our marriage then I can not fully put my trust, respect, or faith in you and your commitment to our M. If you are not willing to do this then I believe that you have chossen her over our M and that we should proceed with the divorce.' I learned here how to stand up for what I believed in, felt strong about it, and laid my fellings out there about what I would not tolerate.

I only tell you what I did so that you may find ways to be strong too. I was very worried that he would get mad at me, which he did. I was very worried that he would walk out the door and choose her over me, which he did. I was worried that he would not come back, which he did come back. And he called her in front of me and told her the things that I had said that I needed him to say to her so that we could continue to work on our M and move forward. IT WORKED!!! I feel great about it.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, keep reading your novel, keep trying if you are not ready to give up. If you want the M then fight for it but do not give up who you are and the values that you believe a M is made of. Don't compromise on the boundries. As hard as it is and as scary as it is, set those rules and boundries and stick to them with all your might. If you feel like renigging in them, come here. Keep your chin up, I am praying for you.

[mdoodles]

thank you for your advice.

right now, i am not looking to say much of anything in terms of boundaries and enforcing things.

everything changed last week and he left.

i will only say something if i see or feel he is looking to return or work things out.

i have to see how the next few days/ weeks play out.

in the meantime, i will try to focus on myself and my son, refrain from texting/calling and lay low.

if i do see a continued change in him, showing more interest again, i will take it from there and say what needs to be said.

i do feel that i need to move on, but my feelings for him always hold me back.

i know im not getting younger, i will be 31 on friday and cannot keep my life on hold any longer, and what i mean by that, is that i want more children and want a normal marriage, i cant keep waiting for him and taking him back and watching him go again.

[mdoodles]

i spoke with my therapist today (she had the nerve to up and move and leave me!), but we continue over the phone which is very nice of her.

its clear that he is ambivalent with his decisions and will always be back and forth, because i let it, and everyone here has told me that.

and i know that.

kinda like the old song - sometimes love just aint enough...

there is a line that says - like a fool who never sees the truth, i keep thinkin somthings gonna change...

it most likely wont, although i cant let go of the hope.

im trying with baby steps for myself.

ihave not called him or texted him since sunday.

normally i would have texted him after he left last night. i did not.

i also stopped asking questions of any kind, except about the weather.

i also stopped going to the store.

im trying here. im moving on (slightly) in my head, and getting the house ready to be packed and moved.

but it felt good last night to atleast see he isnt ok, isnt fine, with his decision. it felt good to see him wanting me, and i cant help myself from roping him in and playing the game of attraction. nothing happened, but it felt good to know i still had it over him.

but i know that has to stop.