Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 11 of 100 1 2 9 10 11 12 13 99 100
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,666
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,666
mdoodles,

People have told me throughout this rollercoaster ride I would know when it was time to give up. They were right. One of my friends asked me today did something happen this weekend to make me to fnally let go. I told them no, that it was probably more like what has happened the last six months. It was just this weekend that I finally felt "released". It will make sense to some, but right now you are not at that point. Who knows, you may never have to be there.

I just know in my case I finally realized he would keep the rollercoaster going if I let him. I wanted off. Do I still love him? I love the man he used to be and I can't find him. Am I afraid of being lonely? Yes, but I have been for the past two years. I always told my friends I didn't want to be alone. They lovingly told me that I basically had been for the past two years.

I'm not sure if you have ever mentioned if you are taking AD's, but I know they helped me tremendously. Without prayer, my family, friends, including the ones on here, and the AD's I couldn't have made it.

Yes, I dread the divorce. I'm a very nonconfrontational person. But on the other hand, I'm feeling stronger since I have been "released". I'm going to be strong for me and my daughters. They are young adults, I've got to set an example.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings, because I have been there. Remember you are a wonderful strong person, much more than he gives you credit for. Find that strong person. Concentrate on you, not him. Sounds like you have some great friends, get out with them more.




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon


Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 182
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 182
doodles...
just caught up on your thread. I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this stuff and everything that you are going through. I am happy to hear that you have been doing things like going to the park, going out with friends, going to the MIL's. These things are GOOD for YOU.

honestly girl, I some times wonder if the pain will ever end myself. I cry often, get angry often, revert back to my fantasy land often too. Every one that gets married has the beliefs of the happy endings and unfortuantly for alot of people the happy endings that we dreamt of never happen.

I hope the best for you on finding new place and gettting out from under the foreclosure on your house. It may be hard to leave that house behind but new beginnings are great too.
I also hope that you can figure out a solution for the business. Have you thought of trying to find an invester for it? Perhaps you can then become more of a manager while someone else is putting up the money for it?

Hang in there. As you have read before, only time heals and in time things will get better. Right now you are in a slump and it may take time to get out of that but focus on the right now.

Also, I learned something in my MC the other day. Marriage has 4 parts, RESPECT, TRUST, HONESTY, and COMMITMENT. If you do not have one of these parts then the others do not 'fall' into place to make a good M. I really see that now. It seems to me that you have had all of the above but yet your H has none of these. Can you ever have these things in your M or in your H again? If the answer is no, it may be time for acceptence.

Stay strong. For you and for your boy, not for your H.


Me-31
Him-28
D1-9
D2-6
Married 5-06
Seperated 12-07
He filed 1-08
Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08
Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09
Filed for D 4-28-09
Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 7
W
New Member
Offline
New Member
W
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 7
Hi Mdoodles

Thank you for your kind words on my thingo in MLC.

I've just been reading your story and even though you are tough on yourself (and some people are tough on you) you seem to be doing remarkably well from my point of view.

I'm so sorry you have the business worries to contend with as well. That is terribly unfair. This is bad enough to go through on it's own without the added uncertainty of financial and business decisions that need to be made.

Take care. I'm thinking of you.

Willow

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
thanks everyone.

dinner with my friends was nice, i did enjoy myself.

yoyo, people do tell me when i will know to be done, and u are right, im not there yet. when i think that i am, and believe i thought i was last week, i always fall back.

im not done yet, and i need to accept that instead of force it upon myself.

i am not on ads. ive come this far without that, and i do not feel that i need them at this time. i get up, get dressed, and go about my life to the best of my ability and really do ok.

im sad, but not depressed. which i guess is a good thing.

i will see h today.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
I dont know - im fast approaching 3 years (my birthday, sept 20). I STILL DONT KNOW if I am DONE.

I wouldnt be too fast and hard with saying you know when your done. I know I am done MOST DAYS, and the only reason im here is to potentially comfort some poeople - and WORK OUT that I am 'done'.

if it was a really long M and it was mostly a really good one, I think the notion of "am I done" might never really happen as such. I read somewhere (and it depressed me) that "in a long term marriage, there is no such thing as a 'divorce'. you always remain married to them, both the leaver and the one left, in one sense or another - you loved each other in your youth; you saw one another grow up - and you had children together. can two such as that ever really 'divorce' in their hearts?'

so nope I am not 'done'. but I am ready to tell HIM I am done, bc I think that day WILL come - for my OWN GOOD. it will be partially a lie; im not going to stop loving that boy I knew when he was just 19, forever.

But I am finally, finally, teetering on the edge of deciding to be done, for so many more reasons than 'the marriage'. for reasons such as ME, for such as my KIDS, for such as the fact he damaged what 'was' beyond repair, now. you cannot always fix what was broken - sometimes time does so much damage you have to decide, even tho this is DEEPLY important to me - I am going to choose to FINALLY walk away.

its a new found midlife maturity for me. Its not that pleasant. but its not as awful as going thru all the trauma was either. its more just... sad. like... its like a death. its like putting someone you love, in the ground, and knowing you wont ever see them or speak to them again. thats exactly waht its like. When that happens you cant ever say you "accepted" the death. you never ONCE did. you cant ever say you were "fine" with it or OK. in fact you will never be ok again, you lost this really important person, this amazing love.

but you just have to get to a point where you know, this is reality and just as you cannot breathe life into a corpse, you cannot breathe life into your marriage, long dead.

I dont wish it on anyone and I want nothing but happy endings for all; it helps me negates my own grief; but I can help people who it is happening to, and I do have that

xoxoxo


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
thanks fighting fit. u are right.

im reading a terrific novel, split. by suzanne finnemore.

its her story of her divorce.

there are so many messages in it, so much we can all relate to.

she points out that when u have made a child together, u really are bonded forever, that a divorce cant break that.

my friends tell me i will be fine, to start meeting people next month already.

i just dont know.

but when i was out for dinner last night, we all remembered go out last year for my birthday.

and it stuck out to me that i am basically in the same position as last year, where we were on the brink of this legal process, me hoping he was changing his mind, he was changing his mind. and here i am. still.

and there were my friends, feeling bad, treating me to dinner, buying me gifts.

and here they are again, almost like deja vu.

it stuck out to me that im almost on a pause button, my life hasnt changed, just on hold, while the world goes on, and im another year older.

and i know, in the back of my head, if i linger around with him, next year's birthday will be the same thing, i will be in the same position.

i see it, i get it, im just not ready to let go yet.

i will try, but im not mentally ready.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
here is a part from the novel

"I muse how it is very difficult to completely, emotionally, and psychically, um-marry-even with divorce- especially if there's a child. the couple has a blood bond, no matter the status of connubial intimacy. it may be that marriage, with an infant, a marriage that has been interrupted and bested by an affair, needs and will take time - no matter what and despite best or worst intentions -to have its natural ending."

"the marriage had to come to its natural conlcusion. and that had a date, in the same way a wedding has a date, and not the date any of us decided. the institution had to taper off over a period of time not revealed in the legal documents, an impossible, invisible clause, a parcel of time that can't be court-ordered, planned, known or skipped."


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
so well put... so apt.

regarding the dating, dont listen to ooo much to other people. I am fast approaching my 3rd year and not ready to date - and dont forget, yea a rottent thing happened to me fair enough, but I too had an affair, 5 years before (that I horribly regretted as i was a virgin bride, you cant take back cheating!) so its not like I dont know HOW to do it. I just diddnt WANT to...

you have to be in an emotionally ok place to date and being sad and grieving isnt really that place. again, I can tell you that bc i made the mistake. I did find another man, the 'rebound' and i did try so hard but yanno i was faking it, i felt nothing for him and nothing sexually, but i WANTED TO. wow! what a terrible thing! but i just wanted to heal.

theres an old saying lol, to get over one, roll onto another. for men perhaps this works out. for women coming out of a long term marriage i cant tell STRONGLY enough how DUMB and WRONG that really is. it asserts your sexuality and attractiveness but you are left with a bad taste in your mouth an truly, I wish I could just RIP that page from my life. I cant stand the THOUGHT of him! dont do it ! always a regret.

its best to let things happen really gradually and it takes AGES! you know I said for so long, to my friends (the few I made bc I lost all my old ones) I am not even ATTRACTED to men now, not even a GOOD LOOKING man arouses my interest, and in truth i felt very unattractive, after getting rid of the rebound (that lasted 3 months of cplete waste of time) I just realised, wow I really DONT EVEN LIKE men now, let alone can say i am attracted to them - also I felt just so ugly and lonely anyhow, par for the course. you wear your shame in a way a long time. One day at work a lady said to me "kate, hold your head up! you always walk around looking at yuor feet"! and it was true and I realised, I had began to walk with my head down eyes to the ground and shoulders slumped. I had to physically REMIND myself to put my head up and to look people in the eye; I just felt like the biggest failure of alll time.

JUST NOW, JUST RECENTLY, im attacted to a man! im really excited. this is the first "real" thing. nothing is going to happen. it doesnt matter. at least this is real and im actually interested! im very excited for myself. its got to mean progress!

there is light at the end of the darkest of tunnels. but it takes alot of time and pain. thats why i asked you to read 'the art of happiness' and i think the lady that runs this site, would even say its a good idea.

you have to come to a point in your life where you realise, suffering isnt unfair, or something horrible like an accident that happened to you; suffering is just a natural part of life and half our battle is accepting that fact. if you can grasp the fact that this isnt unfair but just the way things are, and just life, and just how things work out sometimes, you can realise your not unique but simply a human being. part of us all; and you can only wear your OWN suffering not someone elses. Dealing with it and with anger and disapointment is possible, when one truly realises, this happened to me, but it was only one single aspect of me, of my life. a big one yes but only ONE. I can GO ON. I can reinvent my life, when im READY. and its ok to not be for as long as i need to just grieve and feel sad...

the Dalai Lama says, part of our problem is with suffering, is we cause a lot of it ourselves, by our thoughts and negativity, and our inability to accept. we all want to LET GO. well its possible, its just not EASY.

you are still who you are. you will come out changed and tempered and different but intrinically you are still you. and so is he. he has regrets to face yet. fact is by the time he gets there you may very well be in a much more peaceful place in your life.

when we learn to accept and really begin to love ouselves by watching how we think and react and working hard on overcoming anger and feelings of "this isnt fair", then we are getting somehwhere even tho its one step forward one step back all the way, and we'll come out on top.

theres a saying, "one door shuts, another opens" but some of us spend so long staring at the closed door we miss all the newly opened ones...

xoxoxo


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
Originally Posted By: Yoyowife
mdoodles,

People have told me throughout this rollercoaster ride I would know when it was time to give up. They were right. One of my friends asked me today did something happen this weekend to make me to fnally let go. I told them no, that it was probably more like what has happened the last six months. It was just this weekend that I finally felt "released". It will make sense to some, but right now you are not at that point. Who knows, you may never have to be there.

I just know in my case I finally realized he would keep the rollercoaster going if I let him. I wanted off. Do I still love him? I love the man he used to be and I can't find him. Am I afraid of being lonely? Yes, but I have been for the past two years. I always told my friends I didn't want to be alone. They lovingly told me that I basically had been for the past two years.

I'm not sure if you have ever mentioned if you are taking AD's, but I know they helped me tremendously. Without prayer, my family, friends, including the ones on here, and the AD's I couldn't have made it.

Yes, I dread the divorce. I'm a very nonconfrontational person. But on the other hand, I'm feeling stronger since I have been "released". I'm going to be strong for me and my daughters. They are young adults, I've got to set an example.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings, because I have been there. Remember you are a wonderful strong person, much more than he gives you credit for. Find that strong person. Concentrate on you, not him. Sounds like you have some great friends, get out with them more.


Yoyo, that's a beautiful post, and a great way to put it.

Puppy

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 3,525
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 3,525
Originally Posted By: mdoodles

and it stuck out to me that i am basically in the same position as last year, where we were on the brink of this legal process, me hoping he was changing his mind, he was changing his mind. and here i am. still.

and there were my friends, feeling bad, treating me to dinner, buying me gifts.

and here they are again, almost like deja vu.

it stuck out to me that im almost on a pause button, my life hasnt changed, just on hold, while the world goes on, and im another year older.

and i know, in the back of my head, if i linger around with him, next year's birthday will be the same thing, i will be in the same position.

i see it, i get it, im just not ready to let go yet.

i will try, but im not mentally ready.


I feel like Im stuck in the same place as well. No one can tell you when to let go though. You will do it when you feel ready. I know Im not ready yet. Maybe because I still feel there is some hope. Your doing good. Just keep taking it one day at a time.


Kissak

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3
M-37 H-37
S-10, D-15
M- 1993
First bomb- 12/23/06
Came and went too MANY times!
Gone again 10-25-10
Page 11 of 100 1 2 9 10 11 12 13 99 100

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard