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im afraid that releasing his stuff fully releases him to her.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Sigh . . .

Doodles, he is not yours to "release." He is a grown (albeit very immature) man, who gets to make his own choices, good and bad, in life.

You don't get to control him.

You DO, however, have a golden opportunity to grow as an individual thru this hell, IF you will embrace it.

Puppy

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i hear u, i do. i really do.

i just cant bring myself to remove this things. i am holding on to them, as if something will change, that if i hold on long enough, he will be back. again.

although i know that packing his things or not will not change anything.

maybe its all too new for me to do it.

or maybe i have to do it without thinking. maybe my friends have to come and do it for me.

i held on so so long to my fairytale outcome that isnt happening. but somewhere in my head i think if i hold on yet again, things will change.

im too smart for this, and i know it. im a college educated girl graduated with a 3.7 from a terrific school, and it means nothing when it comes to intelligence of the heart.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Mdoodles, I know what you are trying to say. I understand Puppy as well.

Mdoodles, you think that by holding onto his things, you still have a piece of him with you, that you are holding onto a little bit of hope. I totally understand that state of mind. And by 'releasing' his things, you are then acknowledging to yourself that you are giving up the last shred of hope. To you, this is immensely symbolic.

All I can say is, don't be afraid to let go. It really is OK for you to let go.

What Puppy is saying is that holding onto his things doesn't mean you have ANY control over his decisions. I know you understand that intellectually but is having a hard time emotionally.

But believe me, if you give yourself permission to let go of him, immense peace will come over you. Because let's face it, the harder you hold on, the more he wants to get away. The harder you hold on, the more difficult for you to move on with the next chapter of your life. Either way, holding on is not healthy for you regardless of his final decision.

So that is why we are advising to let go. Let nature takes its course, there is no need to be afraid anymore.


Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
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doodles, if it helps any, I found it a huge help to not just let her go INTO THE WORLD, but to let her go and to GIVE HER TO GOD.

Maybe if you prayed "Lord, here, YOU take him -- I have done my best, and I am weak and need to renew my strength. Please take him and watch over him and keep him safe. Continue to deal with his heart, that it may soften toward you and -- if it be Your will -- toward me, and that he will find happiness in his life. I cannot do this anymore -- please care for him."

When I did that, I felt an enormous peace wash over me.

Puppy

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Originally Posted By: mdoodles


although i know that packing his things or not will not change anything.


Don't be so sure.

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so u think maybe, this time, maybe, if i do something like that, show him im done, he will change, or soften, or second guess?

hmm.

im afraid to do it.

ive done well not emailing or texting now, over 24 hours. its a beginning.

and with each minute that passes, it gets easier not to.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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I don't know if it will work or not. YOU said that you knew that it wouldn't, and I said that I wouldn't be so sure.

What I do know is that what you HAVE done, in the past, HASN'T worked, right? So why not try a different approach?

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Hey there,

I haven't been on in awhile. And I haven't read all of your threads but Ihave read the last couple pages of this one.

I understand your difficulty with the idea of "giving him up to her". In my situation my husband had left for 9 months and was living with a woman he had been having an affair with at least for 4 months prior to that maybe more. Although he always refused to admit where he was everyone knew. He would not commit to the marriage being over but he refused to come home. I was given advice again and again by many of the same people giving you advice but I was unable to do it.

What happened to me is I had my choices taken away, there was a court order that made it so my husband could not contact me or come within 50m, that lasted 5 weeks. In that period of time 2 things happened, he realized that I was done with the games, and he realized all of a sudden that if there had to be a choice that choice was me. Unfortunately for him, it also gave me the distance from the situation to realize I was finally done. We focus a lot on what the other person feels and whether they want us or not while putting aside why exactly we may or may not still want them.

I have seen a quote that I like that says "eventually one of two things will happen, he will realize you are worth it or you will realize he never was" And sometimes its both.

As puppy said, this may not work but if what you are currently doing isn't working you need to try something else.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
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thanks guys.

icant say that what i have done in the past hasnt worked, he had filed for divorce and put it on hold for a year.

now i need to do something different, and the something different is pulling back.

thank you snow white, what you say rings true.

where are u now in your situation?


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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