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i cant stop crying. i just cant stop.

i cleaned out some things in the house, 2 garbage bags full. i guess its a start to get ready for packing.

i cant stop thinking about the ow, how she won him , she gets him.

and i get he isnt much of a catch right now, but he is my husband and she is getting him and probably laughing right now.

i cant stop thinking of how he is hurting me and how he just doesnt care. how could this be?


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Let yourself cry for a while. You have to. But dont let it take over your life. Im sorry that things are so hard right now. You have to stop thinking about them. She won the lying, broken scandalous man that he has chosen to become. She hasnt won your husband, right now, he doesnt exist.

Eventually you wont be able to cry anymore and you will get up and take care of your son and your self and he will be surrounded by the burning wreckage of what he has created. You get to decide where you will be when that happens.


I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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Originally Posted By: mdoodles

i cant stop thinking about the ow, how she won him , she gets him.

and i get he isnt much of a catch right now, but he is my husband and she is getting him and probably laughing right now.


Yep, she at least temporarily may have won the "prize". But who's going to be laughing last? She won the broke, dysfunctional, messed up, cheating, lying H. Woo hoo for her!

I remember reading how much pressure that must be for an OW (not that I'm sorry or anything). But they broke up the WAS' family, helped him become a lying cheater, many of our WAS are bankrupt or close...I don't know how they sleep at night, seriously. And I was just reading on PM's thread today and we were all posting about how many of us wouldn't even want our WAS as they are today. I sometimes think my revenge on the OW is she's in an R with my H. I'm probably the real winner in this, and you will be too, and see that down the road. Karen

Last edited by karen43; 05/30/09 09:39 PM.

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Doodles, you've gotten some very good advice from some very wise people. We were all in the same place emotionally you find yourself in now. It seems insurmountable, but it's not. God, when this all started coming down on me, I broke down to my 2 co-workers (I work in an odd environment, the areas are very segregated, so it's just me and them in our building), I broke down in my boss's office...not even my immediate supervisor, but HER boss!!! Can you imagine me telling my boss's boss that my husband is leaving me??? This all began not long after my step daughter's death. Since my H and I work at the same place, everyone knew the incredible emotional strain we were and have been under. I'm telling you this stuff because I want you to understand you are not alone in how you're feeling...we've all been there. But things will get better. I think initially it just takes some time to be able to come to grips with it. Like Bluerain said...let yourself cry. It's normal. You're not a robot...you are feeling this pain deeply. It will ebb and flow. You'll feel like you're doing ok, then it will wash over you. Let it. It's natural. I did read on here ages ago to cry all you want, just don't do it in front of him! Don't beg, don't plead, stop texting him!! Honey, no matter what he's telling you...he's not fine. Don't for a second think he's skipping away without a scratch. It's called Karma, and my belief in it keeps me going!!!

And I so agree about what exactly is the OW "winning". My h's OW thinks she's winning the fun rocker who meets her at a bar and has a few hours of fun. What she's getting is the shell of the man I knew. That was an escape for him. The real life day to day living with him is dealing with his grief and depression, and quite frankly I don't think she can do it.

Last edited by lola485; 05/30/09 10:17 PM.

Me:42
H:47
T:11 yrs
M:5 1/2 yrs
Death of my step daughter in July 2008
He began relationship with OW in August 2008
H will be moving out in next couple of weeks
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thanks guys. i appreciate it.

i pulled myself together, my dad had taken my son out for a few hours and when he got home, i took him to the movies and out for dinner. its something.

Karen, u are right, bankrupt is one way to put it! my husband ran up over $100,000 in credit card debt as of last year. before he met her, we only ever used amex. my home is in foreclosure.

the person i married who wrote down every penny he ever made since he was 14 is not here now. he stopped even opening his bills or doing his check book.

i had taken over handling the mail and organizing the bills, which is crazy if u knew my husband!

i organized his credit card into a spreadsheet and handled the collection angencies when they called. i sent out dispute letters for him.

he started to get a grip, started making settlements on his debt and we opened the business. i really thought he would stay sane.

guess not.

so now he will need a new job, and still has his debt (which thankfully is not in my name).

i know the ow has to deal with this ugly version of him, his moods and lack of funds. she told me the other day on the phone, that she does not need this and does not need to be treated this way.

clearly not paradise.

but it hurts. and it will for a while.

he called me 2 times while we were at the movies. i did not answer.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Good for you on not answering! I think I may have missed earlier what your relationship is with OW. Was she a friend? I ask because I can't imagine talking to my h's ow on the phone. I knew her, but was not friends with her. We have had a few emails back and forth, few and far between and they weren't very nice. I'm pretty sure I called her bad names, LOL! You do sound like you're doing a little better. Remember...baby steps. The financial thing sounds like a nightmare. But at least like you said, his debts are not in your name. I'm really unclear on the laws concerning that sort of thing tho, and I know they differ by state. Might be a good idea to get legal advice just so you know where you stand, especially concerning the business. One thing I've read about is that prepaid legal thing. Someone on here might have more info concerning that. I just want to make sure you and your child are taken care of. Don't let sympathy for him cloud your judgement where that's concerned. Let me know how you're doing, I'm thinking of you!


Me:42
H:47
T:11 yrs
M:5 1/2 yrs
Death of my step daughter in July 2008
He began relationship with OW in August 2008
H will be moving out in next couple of weeks
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no no no, not friends with ow!!!! no no no.....she was a factory worker where my husband used to work, she came over here from another country, she was 19! this was almost 3 years ago.

i spoke to her the other day, she had called. she likes to call.

ive spoken to her a few times, she called me in october/november, i was able to tell her everything i ever wanted to say, spoke like a lady, let her know the truth.

heard from her after that, she called yelling and telling me lies. she is slightly nutty, or maybe just getting that way from listening to his lies.

she started calling alot when he came home, and texted me that she wanted to talk. i did not answer....until this week, i answered her that if she still wanted to talk, i would. she texted back and forth, that she didnt need to talk blah blah blah.

then she called me the next day.

i just hope she leaves him. i hope she meets someone that isnt already married and can treat her well.

regarding the legal, i retained a lawyer last year. im covered on that front, i will most likely get anything that is left to get based on the evidence i have gathered on him. he really doesnt have much of a case.

wait until ow sees she cant get married so fast.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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I dont think any of us like the idea of our H or W staying with the homewrecker; its a horror, that thought. It does happen though - but you can rest assured it would not be a very 'peaceful' relationship, not with the kind of history. And I imagine they dont tell fond stories of how they met either HAHAHA. Or if they did they'd have to heavily omit the truth! Come to think if it, I have never ONCE met anyone who has admitted they met their H or W when they were still married and cheated with them!!!! I guess it doesnt SOUND too good !

Kind of makes me feel sorry as well for the family in general - certainly they'd know it was pretty sordid and frankly it would be really hard to accept I think. I imagine the parents for example, and think it must be fairly terrible to have to accept a new DIL who wrecked your sons marriage - even if you didnt think highly of the former DIL, you'd still feel really uncomfortable about her, and wonder about her morals overall, and she ISNT the mother of your grandchildren...

Sometimes I think OP's like the idea of acting like a sitcom and settling down with a nice cup of tea with the cheated on wife or husband and saying "no hard feelings, lets be friends". IN THEIR DREAMS. there are hard feelings alright. They wont go away - ever! they might for the OP, but not for US! they probably like the idea for salving their own conscience and to be able to spout on to others that they have 'nothing against' the former w or h and 'get on with them quite well' - after all beign able to say that would make them look better. Why should we do a thing that would make THEIR life easier??? no way!

it DOES take a long time - a really long time but in the end when the sting has gone (the pain never does, but you stop stinging over it so much) you kind of snicker a bit thinking of them still together; after all they very much deserve one another dont they???

let us hope that once our own sitches are over and we heal we find someone very special... happiness is the salve to this kind of hurt... xoxoxo


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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u are right, im sure its not too peaceful. cant be.

and with what she was saying the other day, seems she was coming to her sense. problem is, he probably twisted the story again to get her to believe him.

i know she searches his phone, calls back numbers that she doesnt know and asks who they are.

can u imagine?

im trying so hard to let go. i think i need to accept that im trying to let go. maybe that comes first.

but it hurts.

i did not text him last night. i guess that is good.

and i find it funny he didnt call this morning to talk to our son. he always does this, when he is mad at me, he doesnt call him nearly as much.

when things are good with me, he calls like clockwork.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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Yea its strange how people who cheat have no trust isnt it??? Cant think why wink

The point is H ran off to the OW bc it made him feel good, all those good juju feelers that kick in when your falling madly in love, we all remember that! But as you know THATS never going to last is it?? then what do they have - basically just like ALL of us, they have to learn to live with one another! And OW has a LOT to live with doesnt she???? haha. Just THINK of dealing with all that BAGGAGE. yea, she really 'won' eh? If it were me I think id get pretty sick to death of the pink elephant standing in the room all the time (YOU!) I also think id get pretty sick of playing amataur psychiatrist! I bet anything the OW often says "SHUT UP ALREADY" or wishes once and for all she could just FORGET YOU EXIST! oh well such is life for an OW!

every day is another step forward, love yourself a lot. I mean, the most tiring thing in all of this is the never ending inner dialogue that goes on in your head, 24/7. I think in the end, the idea of reconciliation often isnt so much about THEM at all but about US wanting to 1) win and 2) stop that inner dialogue!

I think your doing fantastic. You are stepping thru your anger and grief at the moment and entering the gray world of despair and acceptance which is disgusting and horrid. But beleive it or not, dont resist it too much bc once your there a while you DO look back an think, well this is better than how I felt BEFORE, always furious and angry and fighting and desperate. During that stage you pretty much yoyo - one day might be pretty terrific the next might be filled with despair - one day you might be glad hes gone and convinced you'd never look back, next day you'll slip back into angst and pining. The only thing you can predict is that your feelings wont be predictable!

means your a human being, an one day will love again... and be very loved as well. but as they all say, you gotta love yourself first - I think thats the HARDEST thing to do of all, and (lets hope on this) the final frontier!


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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