he was back, i think

[lola485]

LOL about the lady on the machine in her nightgown! See, you're TWO steps ahead...you're out of bed AND dressed! Just had a really nice dinner with my parents. They know we're getting separated, but I did not tell them about the OW. It would serve no purpose, and if we do eventually work things out and I'm able to forgive, I don't they ever could.

So what do you have planned for tomorrow? Any chance you could make the whole day with no contact with him? And you know it's okay not to be "okay" yet. No one expects that. I've had quite a while to get used to what's going on and I have not had to deal with the coming back, then waffling again. That would mess with anyone's head. My "head messer upper" is hearing how much he loves/cares about/ respects me and thinking he's finally being honest only to find out more lies. I know how hard it is. My H has always been my best friend, my soul mate...to know he would rather be with someone else rips my heart out. But I'm finding strength, and you will too. Who knows what the future holds for either of us. But the future only happens one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And we may not have control over them, but we do have control over us! Hugs!!!

[mdoodles]

its amazing to me how my anger can subside and i still want him back.

or is it because it is becoming a challenge?

either way, it stinks.

i find myself holding on, i think because it is easier than dealing with the pain.

i find myself texting him. and hanging on his answers.

i even sent a text last night, hoping the pyscho ow would check his phone (like she always did).

im in a bad place.

i had him here, i had him.

[PositivelyMommy]

mdoodles, he was there with you physically but he wasn't committed to you, honey. He wasn't emotionally there for you. I am so sorry these words are so harsh. It's better that you know that now than to experience more years of lies and pain.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

thanks, i appreciate your support. unfortunately, we are both in this but atleast we can support eachother.

i try to stop texting him, i was so so good at the dbing stuff and its all out the window.

Hey, I'm not a big "Star Wars" fan, but there IS no "try" doodles -- only "do."

Please re-read what I wrote you above.

Puppy

[karen43]

So sorry. But you can do this. Do stuff you enjoy. Go out or take a walk or whatever. Call a friend. Read a book. Journal. If you feel like texting him, post here instead. Keep going to the gym, that's good too. Remember if that lady in the pj's can do it...

[mdoodles]

im trying. but i cant help myself from going to the store, only to be made more upset.

i shouldnt have gone. but i did.

so now i feel worse.

he tells me he is fine. he will find a new job, wash his hands of this and he is fine.

i said, how could u tornado your way through our lives, push for this store and pull this? how? and you are fine?

i dont get it.

its not fair that he can do this, and go back to her. and claim to be "fine".

it hurts so bad. the store brought it to a new level of pain.

we opened it to get him out of that bad environment, to have a business we always wanted, to start over.

and this is what happens? so quickly?

i guess it will just take me time to accept it all.

im too good of a person to fully accept how awful he has hehaved. how the damage he has caused means nothing to him.

i just need time to pass. oh, and the ow to leave him.

let him sit and be alone and feel the effects of what he has done.

[bluerain]

Mdoodles, The less you see him, the better you will feel, I am almost totally convinced of that. Sure hes convinced hes fine right now... see what he thinks of himself in a year or so.

My thing was checking H's Myspace and Facebook pages. My heart would pound as the page was loading and I hated feeling that way. So I stopped. I havent checked his page in months and it feels great. I think that its really important for you to remember that hes not fine. He is making choices that will haunt him for a long, long time.


Puppy! I need some advice, my thread is: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1734119#Post1734119
Ive had some developments and I dont know how to proceed. Can you give me a few minutes?

[mdoodles]

thanks. u are right. and i know it. this is just going to take time.

we have been down this road before, i guess that is why it is so hard to accept. last year at this time, i was ok, i was moving on.

and it all changed. and we went back to thinking about working it out and i got sucked back in so fast.

this time i think too much damage has been done.

i know i tried everything. i know i did.

and i know i had to find him last week and i had to text her and i had to talk to her when she called.

it wouldnt have changed anything. i could not have him back here and running around on me. not after this much time, not after opening the store, not after his word.

so i have to deal with it.

my thing, well my friend's thing to do for me, was to check the ow facebook. she started posting his picture for her profile when she started losing it 6 months ago.

but we stopped looking. it cant hurt me if im not looking.

i wish i never had to see him again. i really wish that. but i know i have to, because of my son.

im done crying for right now, im looking around at what i can start packing.

[bluerain]

You should learn how to ride a motorcycle. I did. It was awesome! And it made me feel so good about myself. And I gotta say, I looked great in leather!

Is there something like that you can do for yourself? Maybe something like cake decorating, or riding a motorcycle, can you volunteer at the local fire dept? I know here they will pay for your training. Something neat that not everyone can do...

[mdoodles]

i am a great baker, i was selling my cookies and thinking of starting my own business with them. my husband was looking into that stuff for me, and was ordering me baking catalogs.

i fell off track with that when i came down with shingles. it became too much energy for me. baking is not so easy!

u just reminded me of the baking i did and catering my husband and i did for the birth of his brother's son in february.

as our gift to them, we catered the baby's bris (jewish circumision/blessing party in case anyone didnt know what that was). i made the favors, individually wrapped chocolate chip m&m cookies. hmm.

im angry at the thought of it, and also put a smile on my face. there is no way im the crazy one here, no way he can walk around like he is fine, like none of the things we did together recently didnt happen.





i guess i can get back to that.