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Pearl,

My opinion would be that "playing the field" is not going to help anything re BF. An eye for an eye is not what stops the hostilities. I do really feel for you and the struggle you're going through, it's difficult! In my mind you can either try to forgive and work on the R, or you decide that you can't forgive and move on. You could just take it slow and try to reconnect and see if that allows you to forgive?


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PH,

From everything you're going through it comes down to one thing...if you want to stay in your relationship and have it thrive and flourish, you've got to learn to let what happened in the past go. Of course it's much easier said than done and I think we're all coming to grips with that.

In your case, your BF is back, but you let all the resentment, hate and anger that you held back when you were DBing fester inside of you so that it's not become this huge beast. Trust me, I know what you're going through. It is something that you can't get away from. It's definitely not as easy as saying "okay I forgive you, let's work it out". It take ALOT of patience and forgiveness on your part.

You will have certain "triggers" that will remind you of the things he did or something he shared with the OW. Kind of like post-traumatic stress disorder. And your BF will not understand because he didn't go through it from your POV. My W is the same way.

So it comes down to you. Only you can decide what you ultimately want. I think if you were to date other people, you were right in saying that it would be over. It's going to take alot of soul-searching on your part and how much you can forgive.


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Thanks to everyone for your support and opinions. It was a long and interesting weekend. I don't have the time or energy to go into it all now, but in a nutshell:

I got a glimpse of playing the field. While I was tempted I realized that it's more important to me to honor a commitment. If I try my best to make this relationship work and it doesn't for whatever reason, there will be plenty of time then to enjoy being single.

Spent some time with BF, mostly fun with a few emotional triggers and ensuing upset. Talked about a few things with good results and decided that we are officially back together. Of course the caveat is that we may still decide in the end we are better off separating, but we are moving forward as a couple working out our problems. Also decided I need to work with an IC to learn how to deal with my own issues like how to get past thinking about BF and OW and figuring out what I want to know and what I want to just leave in the past.


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Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
I got a glimpse of playing the field. While I was tempted I realized that it's more important to me to honor a commitment. If I try my best to make this relationship work and it doesn't for whatever reason, there will be plenty of time then to enjoy being single.


That's a great attitude! \:\) EXACTLY my feelings in my sitch! Like one of the main DB principles I have to remind myself of pretty often: Time is on our (LBS) side! You guys are doing good!


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Pearl, wazzupppp???? cool

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Happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11


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Hi guys

Things are moving along pretty well. We had our first DIY counseling session Fri night. We started with childhood stuff and both of us came away with a better understanding of where each other is coming from. BF says thinking about this stuff and other things he's read in the books is really good and doesn't understand why people don't discuss them before problems develop. I said other people do talk about it, just not us. He's not convinced or at least thinks no one he knows ever has these conversations.

The rest of the weekend was good. We didn't have any specific plans so I made dinner reservations at a sushi place. I went to the farmer's market with a girlfriend, then later BF came over and we walked to girlfriend's house and the three of us went out to lunch. Dinner was nice, excellent yellowtail. Sunday we slept in a bit and went to a nursery to pick out plants for the back yard. BF went to play golf with a coworker and came back for dinner.

We talked more on Sunday night about my tendency to plan and his to wing it. It boils down to the fact that I enjoy planning and he doesn't so he's happy to go along with whatever I come up with. I explained that I'm never sure if he likes the activities or not because he says everything is "fine" so I don't trust that he'll ever voice a dissenting opinion. Plus that was one of the main things he cited in why we weren't compatible, we didn't have any of the same interestes. Now I know that we're not supposed to believe what they say when they're in the fog, but I just can't shake that one. I asked if we could have a weekly date night and take turns planning so I don't feel like I'm forcing my interests on him. He agreed so we'll see how that goes.


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EXCELLENT, Pearl!!! So glad to hear of the progress!

This all sounds REAL good to me.

And this, from a guy who never likes ANYTHING! smirk

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ditto for me.. smile

You know PH,

you mention two things that were in my relationship so I will share another males perspective. If it helps great but just because it existed for me doesn't mean its right LOL!

As far as other couples reading prior to problems... we never did BUT they say 50% of marriages end in divorce. I would bet that the 50% that aren't divorcing are doing something more proactive than just waking up in the morning. Bet you're right that they at least are reading some stuff or at least talking about it smile

As far as the planning thing, same thing in my marriage. I am going to say this but please don't read anything into the way I write it... electronic communication is a minefield smile

My wife would plan stuff out, then tell me I that I never planned anything.

From my perspective:

She would plan so far out that things would be planned before I even thought about the weekend.

The majority of the time I was really okay with what we did, however the few times I would mention that I didn't want to do something she planned she would throw it back in my face that I didn't plan anything.

There were things she wanted to do but didn't feel comfortable doing without me (like take the boat out fishing), yet she never once said "hey, I would really enjoy doing this". And you probablly have the idea that if she would have I would have done it LOL! But I have heard it a hundred times that I didn't do these things.

So in hind sight. I am now a firm believer in doing things together. I think the best thing is to sit down and talk about this to the point of just making sure you guys are both comfortable with telling each other how you feel about it. I would bet that 90% of the time he really is okay doing what you have planned and just wants to be with you. And would rather let you plan out the stuff. However there are things he would like to do and jsut doens't tell you.

And I would suggest if you are the planner in the realtionship you should be able to figure out the things he really likes and just every once in awhile plan an activity that you know he likes even if you don't. That will go a long way I think.

My wife and I had different tastes in movies. We both liked action and drama, I avoided chick flics while she avoided comedies and fantasy. I know when things were good for us was when I would pick a chick flick every once in awhile and she would go to a fantasy movie out of the blue.

That's my umpteen cents.

i am really glad things have turned around so positively for you!!!!!

Last edited by Kenn; 06/03/09 01:24 AM.

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I think you're right Kenn in that the key is doing things together. Last year we both just stopped trying to do all the little things and that led to doing more and more separate activities. Not that I'm willing to give up my own things, nor do I want him to give up his own things. But we are making more of an effort to do things together.

BF did say that 95% of the time he was fine with what I planned. And yes, he does prefer that I do the planning. And I do try to plan things that I think he would like to do too, not just me. But I am plagued by the feeling that he won't speak up when I have things planned that he doesn't like or want to do. I have to trust him to speak up.

Regarding planning in general: I realize that I could use some more spontaneity and that's one of the things he brings to the R. But what you non-planners don't understand is that many of the cool things we do require advance planning and will not happen otherwise. For example, BF would decide two days before a holiday weekend that we should go somewhere. Yes that would be fun but everything was booked for that weekend months ago. And he would be shocked that everything was booked, even though I mentioned it months ago and this is the fourth consecutive time he tried to throw something for a holiday weekend at the last minute with the same results.

So for now I'm trying this approach - taking turns every other weekend planning something. If he doesn't plan anything on his weekend then I may make my own plans without him. And if he really wants to spend time with me but just wing it then he can say he plans to have no set plans.

We do have the same problem with not liking the same movies. I like a wide range while he sticks to action and comedy. We've both been surprised to like/love the other's choices every now and then. So we need to keep those moments in mind. smile


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