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Puppy and Kenn - thanks for checking in. I love having your support.

Hope4us - thanks for taking the time to write back, I know you're going through a lot right now.

I do agree with you and everyone else that I need to slow down. I could use some suggestions as to what is a happy medium. I struggle with knowing how much time to spend together. It feels natural to talk on the phone every day. Should I only see him a few times a week? That way I slow down the physical and emotional reconnection. Or should I see him as often as every day in order to spend time together and reconnect? In that case I think slowing down means less expectations and just more hang time.

Not sure about the "I know we're going to make it" attitude yet. I want to use this time to examine what we both want out of our R and life in general. I'm not sure those things match up and I want to keep an open mind that it is ok if we choose to separate for that reason.

Sam - yes, I know he wants me. I'm not certain that we are right for each other in the long run. And re: only looking to the future, I am definitely not that type of person. I know we can't change the past, but I need to deal with it first. Just ignoring it from now on is just sweeping it under the rug in my book. I need to figure out how many details I need and go from there.

Today I am pissed at him. For some reason I can't shake the thought that he f*cked that whore in my house. And I specifically told him that OW was never to set foot in my house again and he had her help him move out. WTF? Yes, I know he was living with her but there are a number of guys he could have asked to help him for one day. The total disrespect leaves me feeling disgusted and wondering if I can ever move to acceptance.

I want to tell him that I was with another man so he will have those images running through his head, so he will be the one to wonder who I'm thinking about when we kiss or have sex. I want him to understand the pain first hand and level the playing field.

Last edited by pearlharbr; 05/22/09 01:12 AM.

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Hey PH,

I'm going to skip any advice here and just say as a friend I can empathize with your feelings. Those thoughts are always in the background until you see them written down and then they become surreal.

I talk almost daily to a friend who is reconciling with his wife who had an affair on him. He tells me my situation sucks but that his does too. They both have their ups and downs.... just takes time to process it all.

Here for you if you need vent!

Last edited by Kenn; 05/22/09 03:58 AM.

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Journal:

Wondering if it's worth it...all the pain to build a life with someone who treated me with utter disrespect and threw our life together away because he was too scared to speak up. Don't I deserve better?

He wanted to just walk away because it was easier but he expects me to to take the hard way now that he's changed his mind.

He wanted to try out the greener grass but I can't do that because "two wrongs don't make a right." Funny how he always trots out that line when he's done something bad, but if I make a mistake he snaps back and then says he's just reacting to my actions.

I'm always expected to be the bigger person. Guess what, I'm not the bigger person! I'm just a regular person and I want my chance now to see if the grass is greener. He spent months telling me that we aren't right for each other but is shocked that I might believe that now. Why don't I get the chance to try on someone new and see if I like them better? Why am I the one who is supposed to forgive and forget? Because I drove him to cheat? Because I'm the good girl? Because I've been raised in a culture of guilt?

I know life isn't fair but I really want it to be in this instance.

My mother has not really been there for me in the hard times. But perhaps she's right on this one - maybe I should make a clean break and not look back.

Last edited by pearlharbr; 05/22/09 06:39 AM.

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Pearl,

Who says you can't? Be honest with him, tell him you want to break up for a few months to see what else is out there, and go play the field. If at the end of that period you still want him (and he still wants you back), then you two can get back together.

No one's being asked to sign any permanent contracts in blood here, right?

Puppy

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If you want to really try to make your marriage work, "playing the field" will not help you. In fact, it will muck up the waters and make it all worse. You do have a choice, though. You either stay and work on the marriage, or you divorce.

By seeing if the "grass is greener" you are playing with the fire of emotions you can get with new relationships. Just like your H got his "high" with a new relationship, so will you; and the state you are in is not a good one to begin making new relationships. I can predict you finding someone who will take this pain away...someone who will make you feel like you MUST not love your H, because this new person makes you feel like you never have before. You'll think, "THIS is what love is!" But, it isn't. It is just new love, and you are older so what you do now in relationship will be different than what you did when you first met your H. So, it may be different, but it doesn't mean it is any more love than what you have for your H.

You didn't sign up for a spouse that would cheat on you. You can leave him. But, you can also work hard and have a better marriage than you can imagine right now.

I haven't read all of your situation so I may be missing some things, but it sounds as if you are doing all of the work. If your H isn't doing what you need, ask him to. Tell him what is needed for the marriage to get better. Get outside help if needed.

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Ok, just realized you are not married. It's almost like a common law marriage being together for so long, though. But, you don't have kids, and you aren't "married", so.....

If you feel like your relationship was a marriage, take my advice. If you feel like you were dating and testing the waters, you perhaps have found the answer to that.

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Puppy, I did tell him I felt this way and it's not ok with him. If I choose to do that then as far as he's concerned we're done. And if I did choose that path it would involve moving out of state so the liklihood of us ever getting back together would be virtually zero.

I just need to decide if that's what I need to do for me.


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Yep. But you DO get to decide. You're not powerless in this, is the only point I was trying to make.

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Yes, but I feel like my options are limited. It's ok for him to go out and shack up with another woman and expect me to take him back. But if I want to not be exclusive with him it's over completely, no chance at reconciliation. I know, no one forced me to give him another chance. I just don't like how it's black and white with him but he expects me to see every shade of gray.


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Hey Pearl,

I see you're struggling a great deal and I'm sorry. Your sitch reminds me of two quotes by Lao-tzu:

"Someone must risk returning injury with kindness,
or hostility will never turn to goodwill."

"If you seek revenge, you might as well dig 2 graves."

Hard to follow I know, but something to think about.

Your BF says it will be over if you're not exclusive - but doesn't everyone say that? Didn't you? I think he's trying to hang on to you and the "we're done if you date" type of response is his manly, yet immature way to express his love - maybe?


Me 56
H 47
Married 21 years
No children
Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself".
Ow Bomb 8/07
H filed 6/08
D final 2/05/10




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