GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

Okay, for some reason I can't get to my old post, so here's my new one.

Here's the sordid story of my sitch:

W and I have been M for 7 years and together for 17. We met in college when I was 21 and she was 19. I was her first and only boyfriend and the only one she's ever had sex with. Hey what can I say, when you hit it right the first time ... : )

Well we never really argued as a couple and my W is a bit of an introvert. She doesn't have any close friends and is only close to her sister and mom. Her dad walked out on them when she was 7 and she always had an insecure streak in her. She would always tell me how she never respected cheaters and how there was never a good reason to cheat, etc. all because of what her dad did to her.

Well after we got married, we had a honeymoon baby and our first D was born. We started losing touch after that because she would always spend time with our D and very little for me. I, of course, felt neglected and after awhile, sex felt like something that she owed me. I know now that we didn't really spend enough QT together. However, things worked out and we never had any major disagreements or arguments.

However around this time, she got a new job with a new boss whom she was afraid of at first, but got to really like him. He's about 20 years her senior and on his second M. After we had our second D, I noticed she felt like she had to drink in order to get in the mood. I thought maybe it was because of the sex after childbirth, so I let it slide. Her and her boss got chummier and about in March 2008, about a month after our second D turned 1, she sat up in bed and said she wanted to leave me for her boss.

Now I was stunned to say the least. I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, etc. All in the hopes of trying to figure out what the hell was going on. But she was adamant. Then after she talked to her sister, she agreed to go to M counseling and told me she never told her boss how she felt.

Well while we were waiting for our appt. to come up, she made my life a living hell. She would get defensive, angry, etc. when I treated her like a queen. That's when I found a note she had written to the OM about how she felt he was the one and never had feelings for me ever.

I gave her one last chance to come clean about talking to him. She denied it, so I showed her the note. She then admitted what was going on. That day I promptly kicked her ass out of the house. She begged to come back after a day promising to go to MC. So I took her back.

When we went to our first and only appt. with the C. She announced she was done and that was that. So I promptly kicked her out again. We remained separated for about 5 months. During this period, I read like a madman. I read enough relationship websites and books that would put Dr. Phil to shame. That's when I discovered the DB boards and met some great people.

Around Xmas of last year, we found out that my youngest D, had severe eczema that was being irritated by the place my W was currently staying at. I told my W that I didn't care about us at the moment and just wanted to bring my D's home to be in a stable and safe environment. We were splitting them half and half during the week and I learned to be a damn good single dad at the time. She agreed to come back home to help care for the girls and moved half her clothes back. While my W was out, she didn't do anything to file paperwork or look into L or anything about a D.

In the beginning it was really awkward living together. She wouldn't even touch my clothes in the laundry. She would jump if I brushed against her, etc. And she kept telling me we were still separated.

Over time, she started lightening up. She actually brought all her clothes back. She does my laundry (I always did hers and mine) and even folds and puts them away. However there was no intimacy. Things came to a head about 7 weeks ago and I told her that I was her H and I was sick and tired of being treated like a sex offender by her when she was the one who cheated on me. I told her that I was fine to watch our Ds on my own and if she was that uncomfortable around me, then she should leave. It was a long talk and after it all, she sincerely thanked me for it. I was shocked to say the least.

That was the first 'civil' R talk we had had in over a year. I even brought up her EA which, in the past, she had gotten extremely defensive on and didn't want to discuss it, saying it was in the past. I kept telling her that she could never just bury something like that emotionally so quickly because she really felt like this guy was her soulmate.

We had another talk after that about 4 weeks ago in which I centered on her EA and all the things she was doing that lead up to it. She was surprised and told me she didn't realize she was doing all of that. She then told me that she "wanted to love me" but had absolutely no attraction for me so didn't want to spend time with me. I told her that it was because we didn't spend time together that we don't have the attraction and that's the Catch-22.

My W sees the world in black and white. You can only love one person in this world and that 's it. I see life in terms of gray, that you can love more than one person, however it is your choice to be with one and not cheat. About a month prior to her bomb, she asked me why I felt that it was possible to love more than one person and kepted bugging me about it. I told her it was just something i believed and that she wouldn't understand it because she didn't believe it. Well lo and behold I didn't know she was talking about me and OM. So I knew even up to then she had her doubts. But she was so smitten by him, her attraction was like a teenage student to her old professor. It reflected in her note when she wrote of him giving her wings, etc. It was so obvious why she fell for him, because she spent more time with him and there were no kids around. Plus I suspect he is also going through a MLC so of course he wants someone younger than him.

Now I know we had our problems. But the stuff she was saying was just not true, but she was convincing herself they were. Over the course of all this, I kept a journal and wrote down everything she said. I recently showed them to her and she was shocked and said she didn't remember saying any of those things. So I really think she's got some issues. Even to this day she has never apologized for anything. I think the closest thing I got was "I'm sorry you were hurt, but not sorry it happened." I mean WTH kind of an apology is that.

Today we are in a much better place. We had lunch alone for the first time four weeks ago (I invited) and the following night we watched tv together alone for the first time in over a year. She initiates kisses goodnight and goodbye which she never did until I told her about it. and there are times that she comes out of the fog long enough to act like my W of old. She still works with the OM although not directly with him. So she sees him several times a week. I do trust it when she says she keeps everything professional with him. Or at least try to. I've done my 180s and GAL. Now I'm trying to do something different in flirting with her and trying to get her attracted to me again by spending time together a few minutes before going to bed. Sometimes it's up sometimes it's down. But in all, I continue to write it all down and change my plan when she's not receptive to something.

So fast forward to today. We went out to see a movie without the kids for the first time in over a year this past weekend and while she had a look like she would run away at any time, we had a decent time together. But still a little awkward.

During the lunch, I gave her a belated Mother's Day gift of Mamma Mia tickets for this weekend. I'm planning to take her out to a really nice dinner and the show after. I told her I'm going into the evening with no expectations and that we should just have fun. And she just said okay. So we'll see how that goes.

Whew! That took alot longer than I thought. What has kept me going so far is alot of PATIENCE AND PRAYER.

Thanks for listening.

[MrBond]

Actually anyone with any ideas as to how I could get my W to maybe open a little more would be appreciated.

[jaguilar]

Stuck,

What an incredible sitch. Did or have you confronted the OM? Does he know know that you know?

[The Wifey]

In DR Michelle talks about the see saw. The more you pursue the discussions, the less effort she has to put in. She will open up just a tiny bit and you have to be receptive to it. She will feel more comfortable and try again. Over time it will get easier.

[jaguilar]

I think by going out your taking a step in the right direction. Just going out, talking and laughing...there are no expectations. You begin learning about each other again. If you shared somehting about yourself, your feelings about the sitch, maybe she will start to do the same as well.

My W enjoyed hearing me laugh. She said my laugh made her smile. So now when I'm with the kids, I don't worry about what to say or what not to say, I don't worry about how stupid I look on the dance. I just go out there and dance with my girls because they love me for me and me out there makes them happy. I know my W would say the thing that turns her on the most about me is when she would see me with the kids. I'm learing to be me again with the kids. She sees it when she's with us. She hears us laughing and I can hear her laugh too.

You be you and she'll fall into place.

[MrBond]

Journaling -

Last night I went out with a bunch of friends for dinner. I asked my W earlier if she'd be okay with watching the kids and she said she didn't mind.

I got home around 11:30 and when I climbed into bed she wished me good-night. This morning, I see her and kiss her goodbye and when I try to give her a hug, she's totally limp like a rag doll. No reaction whatsoever.

In the past 3 weeks, my W has started to once again slip into depression or just seems detached. It's like she goes through the motions, but there's nothing behind them. She'll lean in to kiss me goodbye, but at the same time use one hand to push me away.

For all the WAWs out there I was wondering if this was normal the back and forth. Is this the time when I back off again until she's ready to re-engage?

I guess one fear I have is that she's feeling detached because she's got something going on again with her ex-boss or someone else. The fact that she had never "apologized" for cheating and hasn't really told me what the heck she's doing at home (to work on the M or not), is dragging me back onto the rollercoaster.

Any thoughts?

[MrBond]

One more thing is that from her expressions or the vibe I get from her is that she's ready to run at any time.

Even when I took her out to see the movie this past weekend, I halfway expected her to stand up and run out the door. Or when we talk, I feel like the next thing to come out of her mouth is that she's leaving and never coming back.

It's getting to be where I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or if she really is wanting out and feels trapped or a little of both.

[MrBond]

The Wifey and jaguilar,

Thanks for the responses. It really helps to get other people's POV. Sometimes I wish the spaceship that took away our WASs would bring them back and take back these confused clones they've left in their place.

[DanceQueen]

stuck - you said: "She still works with the OM although not directly with him. So she sees him several times a week. I do trust it when she says she keeps everything professional with him."

I hate to tell you this, but because she still works with him, she is still having an affair with him in her heart, if not more than that. She simply cannot break free and get over him if she is seeing him at work. She must change jobs (or he must) and if she does not, its like a crack addict who is trying to get clean, but who gets just a tiny taste of it every few days, and therefore never gets it out of his/her system enough to be fully clean. And when this type of thing happens, because there is still a little bit in their system all the time, they are very vulnerable to just jumping right back into a full on addiction (or affair) at any moment. Its "right there under their nose" so to speak. To resist requires incredible strength that an addict generally doesn't have.

This is probably why you get the feeling she could run at any moment.

Stuck...I know that you feel she will not stand for any ultimatums from you, but if you want her to ever be able to break free from her feelings for OM, she has to leave that job and go NC for ever. There is no other way.

Whatever you have to do, even if it makes a really uncomfortable situation for a while, it will cause you less pain in the long run that what you will feel when she starts up an affair with him yet again.


Please think about it.

DQ

[MrBond]

Thanks DQ. Funny I was just about to buzz you on your post to get your insight.

I totally agree with you and I do think about it...alot. The thing is this guy retires in a year and is moving away after, so I wonder if laying down that ultimatum would drive her away if she's thinking "well he'll be gone soon.". Trust me, that's where I'm on the fence with this.

I would have laid it down sooner if I didn't see any improvement in my R with her. But now with her slowly withdrawing, I'm not sure what to think. It's kind of like when you tell your WAS what their problem is or what you believe they need to do, they turn it around and call it controlling.

In your sitch when you had your bout of infidelity, after the OM was out of the picture, did you bounce back and forth from friendly to depressed?