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Man, lately I've been trying to sort my own head out. Divorce is a sure thing, I've been through some emotional ups and downs. And I've gone from 'DB Guru' to 'How many times can I put my foot in my mouth?' when posting to people.

It's like I've lost that grounded part of me. I'm spinning a little and thought I'm a lot less in the dumps, I'm still in it.

W and I don't live in the same house any longer. D18 lives with me, D13 with W in a small apt. D13 comes over often because she doesn't like having to deal with W's Boyfriend of 9 months.

I keep working to GAL, make some money, save my house. The upside is that business is improving, and I'm pretty much 'over' W. Just sad, that's all. It helps that we don't talk much.

As it is now, she is financially bad off. I pay most of the big bills like car insurance, cell phones, other common 'family' things. She uses our joint checking account to shop for food for her and D13 and I make sure there's a good amount of money in it.

Time to work out the financials soon. Should be able to divorce by June.

I'm trying to balance supporting her decisions, and not rescuing her. But I can understand how hard it's been for us to be together given all of our individual problems.


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Frank, you're sounding MUCH stronger than you did when you last had your own thread! Divorce is not an easy thing....and,it shouldn't be. I'm sorry that that seems to be the direction you are headed. I know you fought it for a long time.

It is much easier to come to terms and start dealing with things when you are living it separate homes. I'm sorry to hear that D13 is living with her mom now. But, I'm glad to hear that she is spending time with you and at your house.

It's cool that you are helping your wife out financially the way you are. I am guessing that the fact that your daughter is living with her has a large part to do with that...just don't make things too easy for her. (I'm sorry if that sounded harsh...I say that based on MY personal opinion that far too often the WAS has it so much easier than the LBS.)

Anyway, it was good to hear from you, Frank! Keep your head up and look ahead!!

Best of wishes,
Deb


M:June 28,2008
H:Awesome Man!
S:28
SS:25
SS:21
D:19
S:16

"Love Never Fails!"

"God doesn't take anything out of our lives without replacing it with something far better." -Billy Graham
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Hi Frank -

Good to hear from you again. I hope the financial aspect of the divorce can be kept amicable without 2 lawyers going back and forth.

I agree with Deb, dont try to go out of your way to help your STBXW too much. Doing less things with her can sure help for you to move forward. The past is done and you have your whole future ahead.

Did the fires get anywhere near your area?

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frank_D Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: KerryK

Good to hear from you again. I hope the financial aspect of the divorce can be kept amicable without 2 lawyers going back and forth.

It can, we don't have much to fight over.

Quote:
I agree with Deb, dont try to go out of your way to help your STBXW too much. Doing less things with her can sure help for you to move forward. The past is done and you have your whole future ahead.

Yes, this is all true. We are very amicable when we do talk. LIfe is settling down to 'routine'.

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Did the fires get anywhere near your area?

No, I live about 40 miles from them.


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Originally Posted By: deb13
Frank, you're sounding MUCH stronger than you did when you last had your own thread! Divorce is not an easy thing....and,it shouldn't be. I'm sorry that that seems to be the direction you are headed. I know you fought it for a long time.


Actually, I didn't fight. actually I withdrew into my anger. Anger at not feeling supported, and at drinking again, anger at her bailing again after all the pain I endured last time.

I latched on the the "don't be too nice to her" advice and it made things worse. I was a hurting man who needed her support. She was a hurting woman who needed me to support her emotionally.

It was a no-win scenario. As I kept living in my conflict, and the conflicting advice I got her I slowly spiraled downwards. Lost the respect of my kids due to drinking. Got in verbal arguments with W when she moved back in to the house because she was still 'dating'.

Finally in March things broke. She left, took D13 with her. Convinced the girls I was 'unsafe'. D18 hated me for about a month. I had gone from being the 'sane' one to being the 'broken' one. Too much hurt and pressure.

The only person who made sense in their posts to me, in hindsight, was 25yearsmlc who could see the hurt on both sides.

It's taken a while but things are stable. The kids are starting to respect me and feel better. I was at my emotional bottom a few weeks ago and now I'm reaching that point of acceptance in life - that my W wasn't a person who could help me or the family. Only I could do that. That's the roles we took on.


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It's cool that you are helping your wife out financially the way you are. I am guessing that the fact that your daughter is living with her has a large part to do with that...just don't make things too easy for her. (I'm sorry if that sounded harsh...I say that based on MY personal opinion that far too often the WAS has it so much easier than the LBS.)

D13 living there has a lot to do with it. But, I also feel an obligation to do what I can. She doesn't have anywhere the earning power I have and our financial status is mostly my fault. She has her BF and she's struggling but she seems happier to not have to deal with my issues any more.

So, sometimes you have to do the 'right thing' whether you want to or not.

D18 avoids her BF, and D13 is exposed to him but doesn't like him. My counselor says we were both codependent and very often one person will have affairs rather than leave the relationship, or fix it. OM is just another fix it. Like Alcohol was for me.

I regret my role in all this and I don't see it as salvagable in any way. I did a great job of DB'ing 3 years ago except it was for the wrong reason. Because we didn't properly 'piece', instead I 'courted', I didn't get my needs met. The cycle repeated and I turned into a drunk again. Except this time our financial lives and business lives were much much worse. I needed help but didn't get it.

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Anyway, it was good to hear from you, Frank! Keep your head up and look ahead!!


Thanks, I will.


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Hey Frank....

I think you should go back and reread a lot of the posts that you received for a very long time. It seems to me that a lot of people were giving you some very sound advice that you just were not ready to hear.

I hope everything is going well for you......Haven't heard from you in a long time.



Ian


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

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frank_D Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sofaraway

I think you should go back and reread a lot of the posts that you received for a very long time. It seems to me that a lot of people were giving you some very sound advice that you just were not ready to hear.

I hope everything is going well for you......Haven't heard from you in a long time.

Ian

I totally agree. I'm in a different place, not angry, not trying to 'control'

I need to start over.

Thanks Ian.


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frank_D Offline OP
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and a lot of people did give me sound advice. It was in the wrong context, yet sound.

I'm out of 'anger'. Looking for serenity. Not reconciliation. Just serenity.

thanks Ian.


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Originally Posted By: frank_D
and a lot of people did give me sound advice. It was in the wrong context, yet sound.


What I mean is that the advice didn't take into account how messed up I was emotionally at the time. I don't think even I realized how bad it was.

The advice I got was great, it was just that I was in no position to act on it because of my own issues. I valued everyones input. Thank you Ian, Jack, 25yrsmlc, AmyC, KerryK, FIB, etc, etc,


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Frank -

Do you think you are broken or disillusioned about someday having another relationship? Are you looking forward to dating?

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