Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
#1669679 12/09/08 07:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Hi all, I haven't been here in awhile. If you remember me I spent a very long time in limbo. My husband although having walked out on our family refused to admit to a relationship with ow - who he moved in with and lied on more than one occasion. He also was a horrible cake eater constantly telling me he was moving home and showing up for "love". GAL was very difficult because it was always met with anger, resentment, and intense paranoia by my H that I was "with someone".

Finally after discovering for the thirs time in 8 months that he had been lying about where he lived Sunday I got H to sign separation papers. He would still not even admit that he talks to ow but in a fit of anger did sign.

Yesterday morning when he came to pick up my daughter he pushed me against the wall and put his forearm to my throat and when I mentioned the police he said I could kill you right now. If you remember my story this is not the first time he has been violent but it is the first time he was completly sober and we were not fighting.

I thought I should get it on record and that maybe he could get a warning. I guess there are new laws in ontario to protect women. I had no choice, he was arrested and spent the night in prison awaiting his bail hearing. His mother just called he has been released into her custody. He is not allowed to call me text me or be within 100 metres, if he is to see my daughter it will be at his parents house where he will be forced to live and they will pick her up here so there is no contact.

I am happy the torroizing texts and calls will come to an end, I wish it was much less dramatic. I really am worried about him. And I feel so horrible for my daughter.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,049
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,049
I am glad your are safe. Please don't let your guard down. Why do you feel horrible for your daughter? You did not do this. Your job is to protect yourd aughter and no way in hell would i let him see her even at his parents house.

I would make it were a social worker had to present. WE had to impliment that with my sister, and she had to pay for it out of her pocket.(she is the crazy one)

Did I ever "think" she would hurt her kids? No But we as a family decided we couldn't live with an "I think". We just needed to know the kids were safe and at that point in my sisters life it was a gamble. That was years ago and she has since proved that she is safe after many drug therapies and counseling. She was in a bad place at that point in her life and right now that's were your husband is too. Stay strong for daughter and prepare yourself for a lot of pressure from those that you love to drop it or let it go.

Why should he get a warning? Isn't that what he was giving you?


M:47
M:18
D16, S19
1st S 1/08-5/08
Reconciled/May 7, 2008
Left again Nov 9, 2009
I Filed: Nov 17, 2009
Final: April 14, 2010
EX walked away from kids too



Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
I am so glad you came back here because you know you will get a ton of support and not just me chatting away with you. I love you to pieces and I don't want any harm to come to you or your sweet angel.

Put the cops on speed dial on your phone just in case...pretty please.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,350
Snow, you did the right thing. Violence cannot be tolerated because, as you have seen, it escalates. I am happy to hear that his time with both you and your daughter are only under controlled circumstances. I wish you the best going forward. You should not feel bad for him, he made his own choices and he needs to live with the consequences. The legal system deals with bullies. It is the only thing the bully understands.

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
Hello, dear friend,

Like everyone has already said, you did the right thing. Violence and threats of bodily harm should never be tolerated. You know we support you 100% here.

We're glad to see you're taking care of yourself and your DD.

Hugs and blessings and prayers.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
There was one thing I was never good at, setting boundaries, I always answered the phone, texted back, ect. I am not sure if in the last 10 years there has been a day that I did not speak to my H. And never 2 in a row in the last 13. Now we will not speak for at least a month maybe years depending on what the results of his trial are. It is sad. But the boundaries have been set for me.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
When is his trial? How much trouble is he really in? It should be alot but I don't know much about how that works.

Don't you dare feel bad for going to the police. Your H did this. He became violent and you did what any person in the same boat would do. You don't need to put up with that stuff!

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
Hey Snow. You did what you had to do. I think it just would have gotten worse if you didn't do something about it then.

I am thinking of you. I think this 'forced' space you will have will give you time to heal and your H time to realize things will be changing.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Snow, so glad you are back posting here!!! I couldn't have made it through this past year without this place, and I think it is a really good support system. It sounds like you are doing everything you should be to protect yourself and your family. You should be proud of that! Your H has some problems he needs to work on, and that is something he needs to do for himself. You have my support 100%!!! ((((Snow))))


Me 53
D18, S24
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
I spoke to MIL a few times yesterday as I am required to for arrangements for D5 and finances. She treated me different yeaterday then she did the past two-I thought she was very angry at me.

She said she had some "stuff" to bring for me. It was money that I had been owed on November 30(and told I wasnt getting), my garage door opener, my car keys, keys to my doors (all things I have been asking for for months) - there was also an additional $200 for money charged to the credit card, and a credit card cut in half - one that he must have taken from a drawer in my house iin the past few weeks.

She said that H had gone on his own and got information about anger management and a name of someone he can see in the area(I think it is something chemical). She made some sort of comment about the trial and that it has been a hard year and a lot of stuff might come out - LIke "It might come out snow that you contact him by text and phone"

I said "and why wouldnt I? Until the last few weeks he was still claiming to want to move home. I said I do not care what comes out I have nothing to be ashamed of. " My H was very odd, we would get along day to day as long as everythign was going his way so yes I responded to texts and calls. It was if I went out that the harassment would start.

I just feel so lost, I am glad this is coming to an end, but then I think about the holidays and the fact that it will be 6 weeks until I get to speak to him. I think about Christmas and how awful it will be in the afternoon. And then I think about New Years, and the fact that it was New Years day last year I found an email that said "Happy 2008 OW I like to call this the year of you and I" and that is what started it all. And it has been such a waste of an entire year of my existance.

I have so much to say but most of it is moaning, and I really should be getting ready for work. TTYL, Denise


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
We will listen to you moan. That is what we are here for plus it gets it out of your system. Your MIL will most likely only hear H's side of everything and she is probably pretty mad at him but easier to let some of that anger out on you. (Remember my MIL who wouldn't tell her son how mad she was at him because then he wouldn't come see her?? But she could sure get mad at me!!)

Keep posting, it helps.

hugs, kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Originally Posted By: Snow White
And it has been such a waste of an entire year of my existance.

I feel like that sometimes too, I could say the same. But you know I've learned a lot this past year, learned to set priorities, take time for myself, work on my confidence, make new friends here and in my little town, etc. I've probably learned more in this past year than any, more like 10 years of learning I've done in this past year it feels like. I think all my Rs in the future are going to be better and if I do wind up with a loser, I'm going to be outa there faster than you can imagine. So maybe we haven't really wasted this time even though it feels like it sometimes? Karen


Me 53
D18, S24
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Originally Posted By: karen43
Originally Posted By: Snow White
And it has been such a waste of an entire year of my existance.

But you know I've learned a lot this past year, learned to set priorities, take time for myself, work on my confidence, make new friends here and in my little town, etc. I've probably learned more in this past year than any, more like 10 years of learning I've done in this past year it feels like.So maybe we haven't really wasted this time even though it feels like it sometimes? Karen


Karen,

you are SO right. I have made a group of new friends, I have played ball in the summer, started kickboxing, and am going to do pole dancing tonight I hold myself different and people notice. I am no longer "just" a nice girl, I am an attractive confident woman. Thank you, I have a little more pep for the day now.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Quote:
and am going to do pole dancing tonight
I'm so glad!!! Wow!!! And details???? (I'm sure the guys will want to know even more than me)!!! \:\) Karen

Last edited by karen43; 12/11/08 10:22 PM.

Me 53
D18, S24
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Originally Posted By: karen43
Quote:
and am going to do pole dancing tonight
I'm so glad!!! Wow!!! And details???? (I'm sure the guys will want to know even more than me)!!! \:\) Karen


Ok by the time I had to go I really didnt want to, but it was a blast. And a good workout. The way it is set up you can go for a priviate lesson or up to 4 people - there are 2 poles - and you split the costs, so it is only you and your friends there. It was fun and a good distraction in the evening.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Hi all,

Tough day today, although H has been gone 8 months, for the first time today he is taking D5. He has always just came to see her here, mostly because even though he left he was in constant pursuit of me. On Sundays - we were a family.

Since the court order he cannot come here, MIL picked D up this morning at 9, she will be spending the night there, and going to school from there in the morning. It is finally a big dose of reality about how much things have changed. And it only took a full year to get to this point.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Sorry about the rough day Snow. \:\( I think that is the hard thing for me now is not being able to see the kids whenever I want. In a lot of other ways, things are better for me though, and maybe for you? Things have gotten a lot better in the past year too for me although yeah lots of changes, and I think will also for you? You know your quote on your sig line is true: you do deserve better, and your life will get better. (((Snow)))) Karen


Me 53
D18, S24
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Hi all,

I am really struggling. I actually did very well during the period of no contact. While I worried about H, I really finally was able to drop the rope. I didnt worry if he was going to call and what he was doing when he didn't and I didn't have to worry about whether or not he was going to be mad everytime I did something with my friends.

No contact ended last week. Since then I have been an emotional disaster. H has been very kind. In that he has come to the conclusion(or at least he says) that he wants to come home. He loves me and everything he did was wrong. He wants his family and his life back. He has been going to therapy and claims that the therapy has helped him see why he did what he did and how to control his anger and work on his other issues.

It is so hard. It took me almost a year to be able to step forward and realize that my life is different and there would be no going back. And now I dont think there is any possibility of getting by what has happened. The only thing is is that I struggle a great deal with lonliness. And it is very difficult for me to say no to something - something I did want more than anything for a very long time - when my other choice is nothing.

If anyone watched Desperate Housewives last night I identified so strongly with Susan. I feel like I need someone to make me feel whole.

Help!


Last edited by Snow White; 01/12/09 12:12 PM.

Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
I think he needs to show you and not just tell you that he has changed. In our past conversations you were pretty firm about moving on with your life and that you were done. While there are no guarantees about what the future holds for you, you did have some possibilities present themselves.

I wouldn't change a thing unless your H can show that he has turned over a new leaf and that there really is no contact with OW. Hope that helps.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
I understand completely where you're coming from Snow. I'm rapidly getting to the same point as you are at right now.

I agree with Kat. IF you decide to even give him a chance, make him WORK for it. Make him PROVE he's worthy of YOU.

Keep us posted. Throw out your feelings here. We'll help.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
Hiya Snow,

I agree with the others. Have him write a no-contact letter to OW, the content to be approved by you, and the letter to be MAILED by you (so that he adds nothing). Suggest a transparency plan (new cellphone #, with detailed billing, the bill to come to YOU, exchange daily schedules, keylogger on his computer, etc.) and see what he says.

His sincerity should show itself soon enough.

Puppy

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
Oops -- should have added:

Considering his recent threats of physical violence, I would additionally suggest that this "Period of No-Contact and Transparency" be done while he lives somewhere OTHER than your home, and that it be for a MINIMUM of six months before you'll even CONSIDER him moving back in with you.

This should be non-negotiable.

Puppy

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
Hi Snow,
I havent posted to you before. But reading your last post I recognised your emotions since I was at the same spot 3 months ago when my H after a year of separation said he wanted back.

Sadly for me, my H didnt/doesnt go to therapy and although I agreed to give him a chance, 3 months later we are stuck because he does very little (at least that is what I see) to convince me he really meant what he said. On the other had I didnt do it with the excitement I would have months ago. As I usually say, Universe did give me what I wished for, but with a great delay. It felt as if right when I had things "in order" again, he came back to mess with my emotions and life again.

Of course, all sitches have similarities but major differences as well. I sincerely hope your H shows you he realy means his words and backs them up with actions.
Good Luck,
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 255
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 255
Hi Snow,

I hope for a recon for you if that is what you want and is healthy.

Please continue to focus on your safety and that of your daughter. There are programs for men like your husband to deal with anger management and violence. He may benefit from that assistance. It can be addressed, but he is the one who must make the commitment and do the work. It is not your responsibility.

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
Originally Posted By: Snow White
I feel like I need someone to make me feel whole.


Hello, again, dear lady,

Let me state up front that I truly understand what you are saying about the loneliness -- the pain and the anguish of having a hole in one's life following the loss of one's spouse. Of that I am certain we all understand and commiserate. But taking that to the point where you feel you need someone else just to feel whole -- that is a danger sign.

I am concerned for you because this may indicate a diminishment in your own self-worth.

Snow, you are a beautiful child of God, as each and every one of us are. The hard lesson we have to learn is that there is no other human being on the face of the Earth that we need to be whole. The only being we need to complete ourselves is God Himself -- and without that Relationship (big "R", please note) we cannot be complete, not really ...nor can we complete someone else.

I wish I had known that long before now.

So if this is how you are truly feeling, to this degree, then I caution you to please tread lightly. Your H may or may not be sincere in turning a new leaf. But either way you are very vulnerable right now.

I am praying for you, dear friend.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
See here is my problem. I do not want him back. I guess the reason I came on this morning is to find some sort of support for the fact that I feel very weak because I am lonely but in no way see a future for my M. I feel that I am being worn down by the fantasy of things that I wanted for so long, and because I am currently "alone" working on it seems like a good alternative.

The problem is it took me a long time - forever it seems to decide that this R was over. I am so afraid of being sucked back in.

Maybe this is not the correct forum to be discussing how to avoid a relationship, but I guess that is what I am looking for.

Really - I do believe that my H wants the M that he sees that he has done things wrong, however, it has been a year, a year of lies, cheating, emotional and sometimes physical abuse. It has been a year of being degraded and of watching my daughter suffer through someone who just could care less. So then I think - does it matter that he knows now that it was wrong? Why would I want to put my life and my daughters back in the hands of someone who could hold them with such little regard, someone who is capable of these things.

But like I said, I also believe in love, and I want to be loved and have someone to care about me and am afraid of settling because I do not have that, and I do not have that because I hung on to this for so long.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
What NoCode said. That was beautifully and eloquently stated.

Puppy

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Hey, Snow. I agree with what Puppy said. I also think your H should be willing to do some MC with you or Retroville or something like that as well to prove he's serious about this. Karen


Me 53
D18, S24
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
Originally Posted By: Snow White
See here is my problem. I do not want him back. I guess the reason I came on this morning is to find some sort of support for the fact that I feel very weak because I am lonely but in no way see a future for my M. I feel that I am being worn down by the fantasy of things that I wanted for so long, and because I am currently "alone" working on it seems like a good alternative.

The problem is it took me a long time - forever it seems to decide that this R was over. I am so afraid of being sucked back in.
Maybe this is not the correct forum to be discussing how to avoid a relationship, but I guess that is what I am looking for.

If it matters, I understand completely. This is how I felt EXACTLY. I decided to give it a chance. We didnt have any history of abuse etc. There was no safety issue for me or my kids (he has been a great dad). We were "friends" a year later, comfortable with each other. I wanted to make sure this wasnt salvable, for my kids and my peace of mind. I still have no idea what the "autopsy" will say. Most of the times it feels "a little too late"... (and he is not living with us yet)

I cant give any advice on what to do. I just wanted to say, I understand.
xxx
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,947
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,947
Originally Posted By: Snow White
The problem is it took me a long time - forever it seems to decide that this R was over. I am so afraid of being sucked back in.


Feels like that statement right there was just calling my name....

Hi, Snow. ;\) I am glad to see you opening up and looking for the support you need. It can be really hard trying to get through it all on your own.

So how does one avoid being sucked back in? Good question. It's happened with me a number of times, and what I have learned from the past few years is this - you must stand up for what you need, want, and deserve. There is no other way, especially with sitches that involve any type of abuse such as yours, mine, and many others here. Settling for anything less will not help you because once your H feels he doesn't have to really try all that hard, he just won't. So what does that tell you about his sincerity to change and make it right with you?

And more often than not, Snow, you have to be VERY firm. Solid as a rock, never wavering. Don't let him make you feel powerless because you are not. You have it all within yourself, and you would be letting him know what doesn't fly with you anymore. He needs to learn, and I like to think of it as giving lessons with tough love.

Anyhow, if it is truly as you say, that you don't want him back, then be upfront with him. If he acts like he doesn't understand, then I would explain to him what has led you to this decision. The emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, how he has hurt you repeatedly with lies and all else, and it is because of all that...not just the infidelity....that you do not trust him. He has given you absolutely no reason to. Words alone are not enough, and a little kind gesture here and there isn't enough either. Consistency is a must.

Mistakes/slip-ups WILL happen though...but it is how he REACTS during those times that will be the key.

(((((Take care, lady)))))


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Hi everyone,

Thanks for stopping in. H is going to anger management counselling and wants me to go to marriage counselling with him. He has a lot of homework with his counselling and it seems to be helping him. He is very different than he has been. But I guess once I finally got over that hill it is just too little too late. It actually makes me angry that he is at this point now. He was given so much opportunity.

Then I think is it because of the month of no contact. If I had done LRT months ago could we have been at this point?

I appreciate the comments and the support - that is why I came this morning - I needed my friends that understand.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
I saw you were home sick. I certainly hope you don't have what I have. Two weeks of this stuff is long enough! Hope you are doing better otherwise.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Originally Posted By: kat727
I saw you were home sick. I certainly hope you don't have what I have. Two weeks of this stuff is long enough! Hope you are doing better otherwise.

kat


Actually...I stayed home to watch my little cousin win the showcase showdown on The Price is Right! And went and pciked up Wii Fit. Good thing no one from my work is on here!

I am sorry you are still feeling sick, I keep looking for you to chat but never find you.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 13,424
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 13,424
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
Mistakes/slip-ups WILL happen though...but it is how he REACTS during those times that will be the key.


Where have I heard that before? \:\)

((((((GF))))))
((((((Snow))))))

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Oh don't worry I check in. Just trying to look for some more paperwork I need for the L for the impending B. I will be much better after this is behind me! I'll look for you tonight!

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Ok.

You know how the unfaithful partner rewrites history to make it seem nothing was ever good, he was never happy ect. Now my H is trying to rewrite history again. Now it is that he has always loved me, wanted to be with me this entire last year and was afraid, that I have always been his only true love ect.

Today I offered him my "extra" laptop. We have 2 because this summer he bought a second one for me after in a fit of anger he threw the first one against the back window of the car...The original laptop had been a 30th birthday present. He says he can't take it because it was a very special gift from him to me. I said I don't think of it that way and he acts hurt - to me it is the computer he threw in a hipocritical fit of anger cause he thought I was at a man's house.

I feel like I need to bang my head against a cement wall.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
Snow,

You don't need this. ANY of this.

When he says things like "I always love you" to you, just say "I'm sorry this didn't turn out the way you say you wanted it to," and be done with it.

Hugs,

Puppy

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,371
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,371
Hey Snow. It must be so frustrating to have this come now. The only advice I can offer you is to search your heart and soul for what you really want, what you really deserve and what you really are willing to do.

In the end, you can only choose for you and you have to make those choices for yourself.

If you really don't want it, then do what Puppy said and be done.

((((Hugs))))


M:39
H:39
K:S14;D8
T:22yr
M:15yrs
S:12/28/07 EA/PA
3/14/08 OW preg
11/17/08 born
12/12/08 his
~~~~~~~
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option


Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
I know we all know this. But wow relationship talks are really annoying if you are not interested in the relationship. It doesnt matter how sincere the person sounds or if they cry.

I can imagine how the WAS sees this now. I am at the point where I would rather not see or speak to my H if the R is going to come up.

I have previously stated that I am not interested in the R. But I am not stupid enough to believe that I could not be swayed. Maybe some DBing on H's part could make a difference, I am sure that I would respond differently if there was no R talk, if he was kind but distant. But he is smothering, and I am not offereing suggestions because I believe that the end of the R is the healthiest for me.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
Unfortunately for your H, MWD and Dobson and others describe this very effect -- when the WAS come to their senses about the R and decide they really do want to keep or renew it, often times the LBS has already been forced to move on and to adapt to a world without the wayward one. The relationship has flipped 180 degrees out of its prior phase.

DivorceCare calls this the line of reconciliation - the WAS moves away from the line at first while the LBS stays camped on it awaiting a response from their spouse. And just when the WAS returns back to the line, the LBS has already decided to move away from it.

It is too bad that these WAS tend to do so much horrible, senseless damage to their R that it often cannot be recovered, even when they change their minds. Karma can be a b*tch, as they say.

I think though, Snow, I would advise you, no matter how adamant you are in ending your R with H, that you remember your own pain when this shoe was on the other foot. Even if you do maintain your distance and ultimately decide to end your M, which I would fully understand given all the h*ll your H has put you through, I think for your own peace of mind you would be best served to treat your H with compassion. Stand your ground, absolutely, but don't be guilty yourself of his sins against you.

I know you know this, dear friend. I just felt the need to remind you and anyone else listening that an eye-for-an-eye is to our own detriment. Taking the higher road will free your conscious to take whatever path you ultimately decide.

Hugs and blessing.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 2,866
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 2,866
Snow..

I am sorry that you have to deal with any of this. A little like too little to late.

Nc said it perfectly. I think a lot of us are getting to that point, some more than others. I can definately see how all the deciet, lying and abuse can bring you to this point, I really can.

I see myself drifting in the other direction, Im not at the point you are, but everytime something terrible happens it just one more nail in the cofin.

Hang in there..You do what is best for you and your D. You will be ok.

\:\)


me: 37
H: 44
Married for 18 years this june
S7
S3
porn issues, and much more... since 7/06

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Things seem to be calming down, H is less agressive in his want to reconcile, although he seems very depressed.

Nocode, thanks for the post. I try very hard to treat H well. He is and always will be someone I care about very much and I do not enjoy hurting him regardless of what he has done to me.

I also seem to be faring a little better emotionally but you know hormones, everyday is different!


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
Hey!

I hadn't seen you post in so long. I did a random search today and your thread popped up. Sorry you've been dealing with some drama, but sounds like things really have shaken your H's world up.

Hope you are doing well!

Have a good week!


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
Happy Valentines Day, Neecy.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Thanks TAL, Michele, No Code,

I haven't been around so I didn't know this thread wasn't just dead.

I am waiting, for a day when things get easier!

I have now been contacted by the income tax department because they think I am fraudulently claiming that my husband doesn't live here and want me to pay back the Child Tax Benefit. And the lovely thing is is that none of the items (and they want 3) that they have listed as sources of proof even exist!

I have scheduled myself for IC starting on Monday - it is over the phone so we will see if that works. I need to really discuss my urgent need to have "someone" as I discussed earlier in this thread.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
What items did they want?

You have a freaking separation! Send them a copy of that. Send them a copy of his lease or a letter from his parents or whomever he's living with saying he is living there.

GL with counseling.

(((((BIG HUGS)))))


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
I spoke with someone from tax who was less than forth coming. I hunted him down - which is something that was easy for me to do with the fact that I work for a different agency for the same gov't he does. It looks like I have to send every piece of evidence I have and even then it is a big decision on their part.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster lately.

As I discussed previously in this thread I finally came to the decision to move forward - away - from my marriage. This was not an easy decision and its not one that I am not constantly thinking about.

This week everything should be final for me talking possesion of the house. I have been on pins and needles about it. But when the lawyer called to say I have to come in and sign, I felt like I wanted to burst into tears.

I have an interview this week - it is 5 hours long, it is for the job I have wanted since I started at my place of employement. I am scared and excited but I feel like if I miss out on this I will start spiraling down.


The thing about no longer "working on" the marriage is that I feel like I have no vision of the future. Like what now if I'm not working on something.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all my GAL stuff cause its like I have something to do everynight.

Am I on speed how many different thoughts are in this thread!


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
LOL

Good luck with your interview!

Your vision of the future is now entirely what you make it. It's about you and D5 and no one else. So enjoy it, be a little selfish, enjoy the time with your D5, and make some time just for you.


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
I just got back from my good girlfriends house. She is a person that I met through my GAL activity this summer playing slo-pitch. She insisted I come over today and cook. She is tired of my pathetic eating habits. Last night I ate stove top for dinner - just stove top.

So we cooked up all my meat, brown rice, egg noodles, and whole wheat pasta, brocolli, squash and sweet potatoes and I have 8 individual meals plus a little container with a bunch of stuff that can be a few days with sides.

I know how to cook, I am an excellent cook but really just can't be bothered for just me - and D5 has a very small list of choices.

So this is a good thing.

Tomorrow is daddy and D day, I am going with 2 girlfriends to see "He's just not that into you" I read the book its a pretty good laugh.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Originally Posted By: Snow White

Tomorrow is daddy and D day, I am going with 2 girlfriends to see "He's just not that into you" I read the book its a pretty good laugh.
Would you mind posting about the movie after you see it? I read another book by him, they call it a breakup b/c it's broken and that one was funny too. Karen


Me 53
D18, S24
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Its just funny the way the he writes since it is from a guys perspective and the way he discusses how we women do things like play the answering machine message for each girlfriend to see her take on how he sounds and if he means what he is saying.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
My computer has a virus. Not just any virus. Every website I go on has side and top ads for penis elargement. Just what a lonely LBS needs!

Sometimes you just have to laugh.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
What kind of sites you visiting?


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Originally Posted By: Hope4us
What kind of sites you visiting?


Actually, I think I got it trying to download a free version of For Women Only - because I couldnt get it in the book stores around here and on amazon it kept saying invalid state even though it let me pick the correct country.

Anyways, I'm all clean now! \:\)


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
Do you use Internet Explorer? I've found since I switched to Firefox that I don't have any trouble with pop up ad's, etc.

It's a free download and it's a great web browser. I would strongly recommend it to anyone who has trouble with ad ware/pop up's etc.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,848
Yeah, Firefox is SO much better.

All the hacker crap is targeted at IE, Firefox has better security and cooler features anyways.

Another good one is Opera.


Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
Well I just got back from my movie. I thought it was great. The first five minutes were priceless and mostly quoting different things in the book where it focused in on woman after woman giving advice to her friends like "He really likes you he is just intimidated." Or "He really likes you he is just getting out of a relationship" or the opposite "He really likes you but has never been in a serious relationship" All stemming from the very first instance we get of this from our mothers where the little girl on the playground gets pushed and bullied by a little boy only to be told by her mother, "He must have a crush on you"

There was a big section dealing with infidelity and I could see my married friend peeking over at me now and then getting uncomfortable. But it is what it is!

I have received 3 e-mails from my husband tonight which are part of the therapy he is taking. One listing things he is sorry for. One listing his happiest moments. And one listing what he finds valuable about me(not sure how this is part of his individual therapy)

They are breaking my heart. I do not understand why this had to come after the final breath was taken from our marriage.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
I had my interview today. I think it went well, 5 hours is very long but I am glad it is over.

I also met with the lawyer today and signed everything for my new mortgage. H is to sign tomorrow morning and I will have officialy bought the house from us. I am sad. I am relieved because it has been a financial struggle to pay the debt and the house together and this will be easier but it is just one more chapter coming to an end.

H doesn't know yet that I met with the lawyer today, just that he needs to meet tomorrow. I contacted him to ask if he wanted to have dinner tonight. I am just sad and know that he is sad and asked if he wanted to have dinner after D's skating. I hope it is not unfair or misleading to him to do that.


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Hey, I know it is sad. It is something coming to an end. But it is also a new beginning. You have taken control of the situation and are handling it. No one could ask for more. A fresh start.

Several of us are at that point it seems, for some of us the end was a bit more drastic(yes me). I think it is a little scary but exciting too. Starting out on your own. In a way it feels like moving out on my own for the first time except I have these four little people calling me Mom!! (Don't tell S16 I said little people, he thinks I am calling him short! lol)

We are going to be awesome. We may stumble everynow and then but we are also here to help each other up. I hope you get your job. That would be icing on the cake. Good luck!

Hugs, kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
So I had H over last night cause I was sad for old times. And we spent the entire time arguing about the A. So I guess it made today easier. As of 7:00 this morning I am now the sole owner of my home. H signed as he said he would but then sent me some bitter texts.

He feels very hard done by. He feels like I am coming out on top - and to some extent I am. Financially I am better off than him but I did work for that and I am not responsible that he ran up debt behind my back and didn't pay it so ruined his own credit.

I do not want him to be in a bad spot finacially but I had to protect myself and my daughter and make sure she still had a nice house to grow up in. Its not her fault this happened.

He thinks I am better off now - without him here. I may actually be slightly better financially. But I guess what he dosen't realize is that he was my everything. I would trade anything in this world to go back before the A and have things turn out differently. Or even the time immediately following me finding out and have different choices.

He said he lost everything today - everything he could ever say he owned. If you will allow me a minute for self pity in the last year and a half I have lost the following some to larger extents than others:

My Husband
My Marriage
My family unit
My belief that I was special
My belief that love conquers all things
My trust in people
My faith
My belief in marriage in general
My trust in men(more contributed to the married and dating men hitting on men)
My integrity
My pride
My morals
My dreams
My extended family
My vision of the future


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 777
It looks like it is time for me to give up posting again. Posts followed by angry texts and phone calls don't help in my healing process. I am really more at a point where I come here to journal so I guess I will find somewhere else to do it :-)

Take care all,

Denise


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
What, did he come on and see your post? and then give you grief? I am so sorry that this is happening. You always know where to find me.

hugs, kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard