D13 sent me a TM earlier on this afternoon asking what time I would be home so I was optimisitic that this sh*t might all be over. I couldn't have been more wrong.
When I actually did leave work I rang her to let her know the boss had held me up and I would be later than I said. She told me she was going ice skating with H, OW and S16 (and poss his GF I don't know) and that she was staying over at Hs again. I did my best to keep my cool on the phone but she detected the sadness in my voice and commented on it.
When I got home she was here with two male friends of hers. She knows she isn't to have boys in her bedroom but that's where they were. I called her down. She came down and the first thing I did was give her a hug. I then asked her who was here and she confirmed what I thought. I gently reminded her that she wasn't supposed to have boys in her bedroom and she practically laughed in my face.
I then told her that I had no problem with her seeing her dad but I didn't understand the need to stay the night again. She said she just wanted some space for a while and she would continue to stay as many nights as she wanted.
I damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I tried talking to H again explaining by encouraging her to stay all the time was preventing me from acting like a responsible adult and tackling her about her behaviour at the weekend. He said I needed to discuss it with her. I told him I had but that I needed him to back me up and that when he came to pick her up I wanted him to come in and discuss it with us both. He refused. I asked him why he was refusing and he hung up on me.
I sent him a TM telling him that the least he could do was be supportive like I had over S16. I asked him why he couldn't be civil and what was he afraid of.
I asked D13 what she was doing about food as I thought she would want to eat before she went out. She informed me that she would be eating with H later.
I feel like between them they are squeezing me out of my own family. The harder I fight the worse it gets. I REALLY need some good advice here as I'm going stir crazy with worry.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
It appears the kids are calling the shots here. Forgive me, but I am unclear to your status...Is a divorce pending? If so, make sure you have a clear and easy to understand parenting plan in place. Then, if the kids do not comply with you, they will be unable to hide at H's house because then HE will be in violation as far as the courts are concerned.
Sometimes love is not enough with kids. Sometimes we must make choices they disagree with because it is what is best for them. The kids will not understand until they are adults but someday they will understand...
I feel differently to this than View does....If I may...
I think, and I thought that last time too, with your son, you should set your kids free, let them make their own choices here. NOt because they make the right choices, but because they need to have the space to MAKE those choices, or it will come back to haunt you one day and then it may hit much harder than it is hitting you now !
I can only imagine how horrible and hard this all is for you, and I know it must be the hardest thing you've had to do even... but you can do this !!!!
DB your kids ! xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I am sorry that you have so much on your plate right now, it all seems so overwhelming.
You asked for my advice but I will tell you in advance, you won't like it.
They are all sucking you dry, and perhaps it is time to let them go and live with their Dad. The drama they cause you is just not worth it and they are now old enough to make that choice.
If they can not follow your rules, then there has to be a consequence. They are rude, disrespectful and out of control and the older they get, the worse the situation will become.
It is time to step back and let them go.
As far as your Husband goes I don't think you have ever truly detached from the situation completely. You are still being manipulated by him and spend far too much time wondering about him and the OW, and their antics.
When are you going to put Alison first and allow yourself to have some happiness?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
You have been so supportive of your H during his difficulties with S16 and look where it got you .... nowhere! Now you know where you stand, Alison. Your H thinks you a fool .... he manipulates you into being a responsible parent, while he is just getting what he wants out of you. Then, he stabs you in your back. Don't feel bad for supporting him though ... you were doing this for your S16. I agree that, perhaps, you should let your D13 decide, but for her bad behaviour there should be consequences. She will not do as told, but there must be something she holds dear, i.e. her cell phone. Take it away for a time until she conforms. If this doesn't do it, then perhaps it's time for her father to deal with her and she can see how 'wonderful' it is there with OW where she will have to compete for her father's affection and love. At least you've had the best part of their childhood ... treasure those memories and let him deal with the crappiest part of their childhood (the teen stage) and eventually after all that, they will come back to you .... believe it. In the meantime, live your life. Live YOUR life.
Just some thoughts, and not sure how much this will help. Your STBXH is a fool by responding like this. He is only damaging his own children ... and for what? You can play his own game and let the kids know why he truly wants them at his home .... so he pays less money for their upkeep (but, I know you won't do this because you really care about them ... I think they will figure this out themselves eventually ... although, he is probably telling all kinds of lies about you, so maybe it's time to defend yourself). Not because he has undying affection for them ... he proved that by breaking up his family.
Don't cling to your house ... I am learning in my own sitch that there is no emotional value in stuff, even a house. If you have to, sell it, pay him his money, and find somewhere where you don't have to associate memories of your family. Life is different now ... let go of the past ... move on. Life is too short. Still, I know how you must feel.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Alison - I'm really sorry this is going on in your life right now. I know it's terribly difficult for you.
Alison - now is the time to really use those DB skills. It's time to understand them and practice them. I'm not talking about the last resort or getting a life - I'm talking about changing the way you behave and that in turn will change the way others around you behave towards you.
I know you've done a lot of work on controlling your temper and staying calm under pressure - but there is still a part of you that seems to want control the people around you and the events in their lives. You are the only thing you can control - the rest is up to the other individuals and the universe.
What would be a complete 180 for you? I expect something along the lines of a casual comment to your daughter that it's up to her where she stays and you'll see her when she's ready. Alison I promise you that if you did that to your daughter, sincerely and from your heart - rather than guilt trip her with sad voice and needy discussions - she will come around quicker than a fly to a BBQ.
Another golden rule of DBing is to never show your hand. By saying stuff to your husband like "you've taken everything else from me don't take this" gives him so much more power than he actually has over your life. Don't tell him a bloody thing. Don't give him any ammunition against you. You know he'll use it - he doesn't have your best interests at heart. I know that's hard to understand, God knows it took me years to understand my X no longer considered my interests a priority, but they just don't and they are not going to for now.
Forget trying to be friends with him. Forget trying to have a relationship with him "for the sake of the children" it's too early for you guys to do that and the attempts you make to have that relationship seem to backfire. There is a lot of water that has to flow under the bridge before you and H can have that sort of easy relationship and the bottom line is my friend - you may never have that relationship. You know what - even if you don't, you will be OK.
Finally, I completely understand how much you want to stay in your house and I know how fundamental that feeling of connectedness with a time and place is throughout this harrowing journey. When my X and I split our finances, I bought a house for myself in the same area we lived - even though I should have purchased in a more affordable area, decorated it very similarly to our family home and lived there with a huge mortgage for a couple of years. I realise now that I was staying in the same area because I wanted to be available to him if he came back. I talked the talk about being "over him" and "moved on" and all that - but while I stayed in that place, with our foster daughter I subconciously thought I was still connected to him.
About 18 months ago, I accepted an opportunity to work in another state at the other end of Australia. I rented out the house, organised the foster daughter and moved up here. It was when I physically moved that I really started to heal.
Moving house, or downsizing is not the worst thing that could happen to you Alison - indeed it may even be the thing you need to take you to the next place in your life. Having your own space, in your own place to start your new life is a very powerful opportunity. It's also fun to get a new house and make it the way you want it.
Girlfriend - please stop clinging to what-could-have-been. Move on as though he is never coming back - then if he does you'll be in a better place to have a better marriage - if he doesn't you've got a head start on your future.
DB your kids. You know how to do it. It works.
Thinking of you as always, V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Just to clarify the issue of me potentially loosing the house isn't about connections to the past it's about the fact that b/c I have been there so long and my mortgage is relatively low that to buy somewhere smaller in a decent area will be way out of my budget. My house is currently worth approx 8-10 times what we paid for it. At the moment the money I have agreed to pay H (although a large sum of money) does not come anywhere near to the 50% that he will be entitled to if I have to sell it.
BND you said I wouldn't like your advice but actually I totally agree with you. I've no idea why my children have grown up with so little respect for me and it hurts like hell.
Several of you have mentioned not backing H up if anything else happens with S16 but that, to me, poses another dilemma. If I do what with S16 what H is currently doing with D13 I'm just perpetuating that bad behaviour. How does that teach my children good values for life?
As for implementing consequences with D13: Whilever H is coming and picking her up, virtually straight from school, I am not being given the opportunity to put those consequences, whatever they may be, into place. I was trying to make him understand this last night when I phoned him. As her father I have no way of enforcing him to do what I ask. As for a parenting plan he has refused all along to take part in such an important way forward and the English courts allow children over 8 to have a say in where and who they live with. If money were no problem I would instigate a child custody case but I couldn't be certain of winning b/c whatever D13 ended up saying would play a major factor in thier decision. If she categoricaly stated she wanted to stay with him that's exactly what the courts would put into place.
I wrote the first part of this message about 3 hours ago and have only just come back to finish it. I've communicated with my L via TM and she has given me some reassurances that my worst fears should not be realised. So I am feeling a little better.
I've also spoken to D13 and although she is going out again with H tonight (the weather wasn't good enough to ice skate last night) she has said she will probably sleep at home tonight.
I can now breathe a little easier
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Thanks BND. My D18 showed signs of huge disrespect before any of this happened. She actually got a lot better once H left. Maybe she could sense things that we couldn't see b/c we were too close to the situation. Who knows?
D13 is not staying here again tonight. When I came home she had the same two boys here again. My freezer door was wide open and there was bits of bread everywhere. I had no choice but to reprimand her over this. Then I heard her say 'don't throw that at my bedroom wall' so I went upstairs to find out what was going on. They were using a flannel to wipe the make up from yesterday off the mirror but the boys were then just throwing it at her bedroom wall. I made no bones about my discontent. I told them this was my home and that they should show some respect. I told them it wasn't a playground or a doss house and never would be. They looked very sheepish and muttered sorry but I don't think for one minute they meant it. They all left pretty soon after.
I then went back upstairs to survey the 'damage' for myself. At this point I realised that they had taken some of S16s things from his room and brought them down and strewn them all over D13s bedroom floor. So I ended up texting him about it as I didn't want him to think at some point in the future that I had allowed them to run amuck with his things. I did try ringing but he didn't answer and then sent me a message saying he was ice skating (clearly D13 didn't go again tonight).
Not long after this D13 came back (her 'friends' waited outside) and promptly announced 'I'm staying at Dad's again tonight'. She flounced out and then I heard her talking to someone outside so I looked out the window to see if it was H. It turned out it was S16. He came in to see me. He said he had been questioning the boys about what had happened and they had admitted to doing some of the things I have described. He asked me how I was and I told him I was upset by D13s behaviour and that H was not backing me like I had him when S16 was himself acting up.
He tried asking D13 about it all but she just gave him the same lippy comments as she had given me and flounced out again. He said he would have a word with her as it wasn't fair that she was trashing the house. I told him that it was not his job to do that I only wanted to make him aware that his possessions were being messed about with. However I also made it clear that I was grateful that he was prepared to help.
S16s friend who is older and has his own car was sat outside waiting for them to take them back to Hs so neither of them could stay any longer. So I gave S16 a big hug (I haven't seen him for 6 weeks), told him I loved him and he left. I doubt I will see him again in a hurry if past experience is anything to go by but who knows.
I've been checking on the internet the info that L gave me. Don't want to go into any details just in case but I'm a little happier about my house now.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15