I know you did not ask me but I wanted to comment.
Do not play games. Do not ask questions to see the reaction. Do not take cheap shots. You do not want to say anything that will cause you regrets later.
If you have decided to stand for marriage restoration do so with dignity and honor. Continue on focusing on yourself, making improvements for yourself, become more spiritual, learn to lean on God. Spend this special time becoming closer to your son. But while you are doing this do not compromise your integrity as a woman.
They become jealous and curious all on their own without any prompting from us.
My xh has for the last 2 months or so (since our divorce was final it seems) been really distant and mean when I was near him. On the phone he seems more relaxed and we can talk easier, as long as he his alone or not busy. We sometimes talk for 30 min and longer. BUT, when we are face to face he seems to be nervous and gets ANGRY really easy. I really cant explain it, if he thinks I am gonna touch him, he gets angry. He has been working out and I went to touch his chest, just kinda playing around, and he freaked out almost. Told me to STOP! As long as their is distance between us he is much better. Why is this? Then today he really was ugly when he thought I had been with someone else. Tonight he got angry again and hung up on me. The other girl (not woman) was there and I am sure he was putting on a act for her but then again he is nasty without her there too sometimes. Maybe he was still mad from today. I only called because of son. I try not to use him as an excuse to call, but sometimes I get weak just to be honest. I am doing better though I go a week (5 days) now without calling, so its getting better. He (my ex) said today that he did not mind me calling this morning because he knew I needed to BUT in the past when I went for a few days without calling, I would call alot the next day. I told him I wasnt doing that anymore that I had moved on and thats when the conversation started about me and someone else.
As far as the ow (girl) goes, he says they are not steady, but she has spent the last 4 or 5 days at his house all night. He says I dont understand that shes just somebody. Anyway I try to steer from talk about her because he doesnt like that but somehow it happens. I am working on that too. I do think he still cares though but is forcing hisself away from me. He never would admit it in a lifetime though.
If I had to be divorced I was hoping it could be civil. I feel like I have really tried here lately but he know longer wants to be friendly. I think it scares him. I did get off on a rough start, but he cheated while we were still married, seperated but married. He seen nothing wrong with that, he thought seperated was good enough. NOT ME!!!
Are they normally this tense and angry with the left behind spouse if there is someone on the side? We have a child and he is 18 but he is hurting from this. BUT when my ex is with the ow, he doesnt want to be bothered with me or whatever I have to say about his child. AND THIS MAKES ME ANGRY!!!
I know exactly how you feel. I too have really struggled recently with letting go! I had been doing pretty well, then I learned that H was dating, and my heart broke all over again! And my mouth started flapping and the words just kept pouring out even though I knew I was making a mistake!
But each day is a new day, and you, like me, have to find a way to really LET GO and take care of ourselves!! Really, we have to do it!! It's our only chance to move beyond all this either with our H's or not.
Your H, like mine, needs to be angry at you in order to justify in his mind the fact that he walked away. Don't buy into it. Don't even give it the power to hurt you.
Hang in there!!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
you suffer from what BND calls "analysis paralysis" He is what he is right now and that is not anywhere near the man you married or would want in your life.
They lie , they cheat, they spend.....the order varies but they all do it. Mine had a child whore too.
the only way he can miss the life he had with you is for you to leave him be go dark, no contact except an life or death emergency, end calls first, be non-existant. DONT tell lies and stoop to his level. Take the high road.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
you suffer from what BND calls "analysis paralysis" He is what he is right now and that is not anywhere near the man you married or would want in your life.
They lie , they cheat, they spend.....the order varies but they all do it. Mine had a child whore too.
the only way he can miss the life he had with you is for you to leave him be go dark, no contact except an life or death emergency, end calls first, be non-existant. DONT tell lies and stoop to his level. Take the high road.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
we had a pretty bad argument today and then later I called him after he had time to calm down. He just wants to be left alone, and I have to respect that and move on. We still have financial issues and that is mostly what we fight about. He said today that he couldnt stand the fighting for us to please stop and that he wanted to talk to me once a week or so. I feel like I need to go completely dark as I have been told or else I am getting no where with myself or him. He said everybody was telling him he was in MLC and he disagrees, he says he is just unhappy. I tried to explain that unhappy is part of it. He wanted to know where I got my info, he said I could read whatever on the internet that I wanted to read but he was JUST unhappy. He said things like this new guy will make you happy dont worry (I could hear scarism in his voice) He said you must like it, then he catches himself and says thats fine i want you to be happy and leave me alone, I dont want to know your business and I dont care. I can tell it bothers him. Can I ask what you all make of this reaction from him, about me and someone else? also, why do you think he wants to talk to me once a week or so. done they usually leave and never look back. I mean he really has no reason to speak to me, his son has a phone.
SSL, I just caught up on your thread. I hate to say this but I am shaking my head in frusration that you are not listening to what people are trying to tell you. Snodderly especially has been giving you FANTASTIC advice. She has helped me in the last few years, please listen to her, she knows what she is talking about.
Quote:
we had a pretty bad argument today and then later I called him after he had time to calm down
Why call him at all?
Quote:
He just wants to be left alone
He is telling you want he wants right now, please listen.
Quote:
I have to respect that and move on.
But will you? You need to find away to move forward (This is not to be confused with giving up).
Quote:
I feel like I need to go completely dark as I have been told or else I am getting no where with myself or him
Yes, Yes, Yes!
Quote:
I tried to explain that unhappy is part of it. He wanted to know where I got my info, he said I could read whatever on the internet that I wanted to read but he was JUST unhappy.
No, No, No! People in MLC don't believe there is anything wrong wtih them, it's everyone else with the problem. Stop trying to convince him otherwise.
Quote:
He said things like this new guy will make you happy dont worry (I could hear scarism in his voice) He said you must like it, then he catches himself and says thats fine i want you to be happy and leave me alone, I dont want to know your business and I dont care.
This is MLC talk, take it with a grain of salt. They all say the same crap.
Quote:
also, why do you think he wants to talk to me once a week or so.
Because he doesn't want to let you go fully but at the same time he doesn't want to be tied to you either. He already told you, he wants to be alone. He wants to do what he wants when he wants and doesn't want to have to keep in touch with his 'mom'.
Quote:
I mean he really has no reason to speak to me, his son has a phone.
They always find reasons to speak with us, but let him call you. Stop calling him, unless it's a real emergency. Stop depending on him, he is not your husband right now. Learn how to become independent. Fill your time with stuff for you. As we like to say around her, GAL (Get a life). He may be out there for a really long time and you need to find yourself. You need to work on you and leave the rest to God. Snodderly has been ending almost every post to you with "read the MLC Resource Threads and Archives". Have you done that?
SSL, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I see my old self in you. I just want you to listen to what everyone is telling you. We have all been down the same path, yours isn't any different. I am sorry you are here, but if you are willing to listen you have come to the right place.
MrsH thank you so much for being blunt, its the only thing that seems to get my attention. I dont want any of you to think I dont listen or dont appreciate your advice. I believe everything you all are saying. I am sorry, I am just so darn hard headed. I need help. Again I am listening. Please dont give up on me. Snodderly I thank you are great! Please be patient with me. I have more to write later.
