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Hey bridgestone,

what are you studying? I'm working on a master's and have to do the summer school thing too.

I didn't mean to indicate that best friends with sex is enough. I think the best friends part is what carries you through those periods of losing other connections and hopefully sustains you while you start reconnecting in other ways. But those reconnections are vital. How they happen is tricky, though, and I guess that's where I was heading.

For instance, my W was annoyed because I stopped being enthusiastic about going to parties. But the parties she always wanted to go to were with her colleagues who only talk about their work. I tend to be somewhat shy at first in social settings, so had a hard time mixing and she'd never stay with me and help me mingle. So it wasn't enjoyable for me. I liked the people, though, and enjoy going to parties.

So how to reconnect on doing things socially in that situation? Both of us would have to give something because it won't happen naturally - I'm not in her field and she doesn't have my shyness. But if we made an effort to understand what each other needed and then tried to meet those needs, it'd work.

So not sure if that's a good example of what I was thinking or not, but no, best friends with sex isn't enough. You need to meet each others needs. But I don't think that comes naturally - I think you need to work on it and communicate with each other about what those needs are, how they can be met, and how far you're willing to compromise so that the other can realistically meet them.

lodo

PS - one other question. In my sitch, I'm in a master's program and W reinstated into a PhD program. So times were pretty intense at our house. 9 years ago she started a master's and broke up with me 3 months later saying she didn't think we had enough in common. Last fall, 3 months after starting her PhD, she moved out saying we didn't have enough in common. Since you're in school yourself, how much do you think the new experiences and pressures of school add to the dissatisfaction at home?


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hi,
thanks for explaining a bit more what you meant.

I agree that compromise is important. communication is vital about those needs & how important those needs are, is it a 10? or a 2? on a scale of 1-10.

H & I are very different about what are our MC called our absolutes. That became abundantly clear in counseling. We never made it to the compromise part or even understanding of mine, for various reasons.

I am in a PhD program for the past 7 years and yes it added pressures that played many roles directly and indirectly in our splitting.

Misunderstandings of what I needed for support when trying to complete dissertation resesarch with a full-time job, 2 teen-agers, a 2 hour commute, a spouse with an 80 hour a week job, and a major professor who is certifiably nuts became rampant in the relationship and his anger intensified because I was not meeting his needs the way I used to. I changed the rules of the game, he did not like the realities of what he agreed to do when I went back to school.

I will now lose my job because I did not finish my PhD in time to keep it. It needed to be done by this August, it will be done by December. There is much bitterness over that.

There are not many jobs in my area that can use people with my experience & education level. Moving to where those jobs are means moving my D. away from her Dad or me away from her. I'm not ready to make that choice yet.

As a plaque above my kitchen sink says.. it is what it is.


Divorced 03/2010
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Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

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Oh bridgestone. I've gotta tell you how much your post hurts. In so many different ways. I'm supposed to be preparing for a presentation tonight, but had to stop and respond to this.

Communication? On a scale of 1-10, communicating needs is 10, but I think we're guilty of always letting it slide. Saying "I won't rock the boat over it this time", but those times build up and then it's too late. The saying "never go to bed angry" is pretty much the truth - I'd rather stay up all night and figure out the compromise then let it build up.

Your absolutes? Not sure what that might be - can you give an example? If your husband never understood yours, is he trying to now? If so, is he doing a good job or a crappy job?

Your description of the program is what tore me apart. I work at a university and see so many of these situations play out. You'd think I would've appreciated my own, but no.

My W tends to retreat when she gets busy, and rather than offer her support, I took offense. I didn't understand what the experience was like and I bet your husband didn't either. Even if he'd done his own PhD, it's different when you're in the experience.

And I'm sorry, but how the hell do you work on a PhD with a full-time job, 2 teenagers, a 2 hour commute, and a spouse who's never there?! That is craziness! My god, what have you been going through? And how have you survived?! With prof on top of everything you must have felt cornered and crushed at the same time.

So I have to admit that 9 years ago I wasn't supportive when my W changed the rules of the game after starting school. I didn't support her. And I suppose I didn't support her when she started her PhD, though I thought I was just giving her space. And I was pursuing my own grad degree work and thought she understood I needed support/understanding too. Anyway, that was the final straw. She slept with OM a month later. The kicker is that he is a major part of her thesis and if she wants to pursue the narrow field she's in, she'll be encountering him for the foreseeable future - my demand that she never contact him again fell on deaf ears since it threatened her career.

Is losing your job a for sure thing? We've had many students in the same position, but most of them have been able to work out a deal. If not, yes - you should feel bitter and I'd say you're justified. So then what happens?

You don't need to make the choice about moving yet, but I think you should eventually make the move. I've lived in a small community where the quality of life was high but job options were low and it drove me crazy after 10 years. Now I'm in a place where there are great job options and I can make enough to travel. Much better. I have friends, though, who are doing the opposite. So far they've made it work, but I can see the strain starting to accumulate.

Thanks for responding. I must say it is always nice to come across one of your posts. Take care, lodo


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Going to start my own thread.. I feel as if I'm hijacking this one.

Thanks for the welcoming reception by all who have been supportive here.
Welcome to those who are new..

Peace to you.


Divorced 03/2010
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Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

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My New Thread

A collections of Postings from various forums where I put my different parts of my sitch when I first got here.. hopefully it helps paint a better picture of where I am at.


Divorced 03/2010
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Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

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Hi everyone, I am new here and although computer savvy, not quite sure where I should post or even BE on this site. AND, SHOULD I even be on this site? All I know is that Wednesday my fiance/domestic partner showed up with a truck to move his stuff out of our home after many threats to do so over the last several months. I am left with the bills, the hurt, the pain, the "what the heck?" feeling. COULD I say it is all him? SURE. But that would not be fair. HOWEVER, I missed a lot of signs early on and want/wanted to make it work. I am coming to see he is fairly immature and RUNS from relationships (he has been married 3x by 32, we got together when he was 34...I was 36, married 1x prior to my HS sweetheart for 14 years). What am I needing? I guess mostly the support of the 180 degree turnaround technique. I have been strong for the kids (my kids called him Dad and his son saw me as Mom) and not contacting him. I am not contacting him even though there are bills to pay and I have no idea where I stand. he would see that as "pushy" and annoying. When he left he said "we would for sure be talking, that we would see each other again, and that maybe we would work things out down the road." UH? Hello? I have tried and standing there watching him load the moving truck in a matter of a couple hours without talking with me I am left to think HUH? DATE? He will be "seeing me" and "talking with me later?" Does he know how much he has hurt me? I just want to stay focused....strong and not panic that "I am not worthy or loveable." I have not heard from him since Wednesday morning and I am not calling....no, I am NOT calling.


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Butterfly
If you are still here & checking, please post in the Newcomers thread.. it gets much more traffic than this one does & I'm sure you'll get a bunch more response over there.

Chin up..


Divorced 03/2010
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Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

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Hi there, I am an LBS and have been DBing for 18 months, about 2 months after WAW left.

I just wanted to say that I think many of you have made a brave choice and noone should put up with verbal or physical abuse. Good on you. Those that were flaming are just mad, and that's an easy place for an LBS to be before we start to look at how we contributed to the problems ourselves.

My question relates to my sitch; 18 months down the track after W did her WA; a EA progressing to a PA for WAW after seperation(lasted about 3 months); we go on holiday together to "see", things OK but not great, she retreats (I don't push the R discussion, maybe I should have?); my Dad dies, WAW is absent during that time and now is angry with me, her family etc.....

any advice on how to get out of this limbo???

Kiwi

Last edited by kiwi000; 01/29/09 08:46 AM.

--------
Me; 38
W; 34
1 4yr old S
Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs
Bomb; 15 June 2007
Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008

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Kiwi - I think the best thing you can do is let her go. It will seem like the last thing you want to do but she aint coming bak to you like it is.

Sh maybe needs a chance to see what she is losing. she cant miss anything if you are smothering her. My H did this and I looked back but to late for me. My was years in the making and breaking. Might not be to late for you.

Nothing to lose ........

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Hi, I am wondering if this might be the right spot for me. I enjoy the support of people on this board but am not sure I fit in any of the forums anymore.

My husband had an affair and left. I db'd for many months and finally gave up. We have a signed separation agreement and are undergoing the transfer of the deed of the house. NOW he decides it is his life's purpose to be my husband, and I do not want it anymore.

I want to get along and I want him to be ok but I do not want the M even though he now wants to work on it, is this the appropriate place, am I now a WAS even though there is no one living here to walk away from?


Me~34
H~38
D6.5

EA/PA-DEC.07

Moved out~Apr.13,08
Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08
No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
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